Published May 9, 2013
I wish someone could tell me the truth. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? Why listen to them when they are telling lies. Why wouldn’t anyone listen to me?
Water from a crack above my head drips rapidly on me, slowly soaking my already damp and dirty clothes. The cell is so small I can barely move my elbow, if I move my elbow they will get scraped by the rough walls and my head almost touches the ceiling even though I am curled up as small as I possibly can. There is not enough space for me to be able to breathe. It is always cold in here, wind rushing in through gaps of the uneven stone walls, slithering around me and inside my thin, wet clothes. I hug my knees tight to my chest, hoping I can trap little warmth I have left with me.
Rats and mice run in and around me, searching hard enough to find some scrap. I can remember my first night, getting scared when I saw rats and mice running around me, screaming my heart out and hammering the cell door hoping someone would hear me and let me out. But no one came. I was young and innocent and now I realize why no one can hear us down here in the brutal block.
Here in this brutal block, there were no guards; they don’t need then when you are trapped underground. I feel sorry for all the small children that are in the yard block, scared of the dark and deprived of an open space. When they are down here, you can hear them cry but no one will come to their aid. They have to learn the hard way, the way I had to learn. I was very scared and frighten the first night I had to spend in the cell; it was like a burden for me. But staying in the cell for a few weeks I got use to it but I still wanted to see the outside world, to the person I really love, my father.
My eyes are widen I hear footsteps stomping up the stone steps. The door of my cell is flung open and the man in a heavy voice commanded me to “get out”. My legs were stiff for being stuck in the same position from day one. I was grabbed out of my cell causing scrapes to my elbow and hit my head on the low stone opening as I was coming out of the cell. I could already feel the warm red liquid run down my forehead. I tried to show no pain to the man because if I did so, I would face more punishment.
I was still held by the man so tightly that I wouldn’t be able to escape. He took me through long stone step, swiping a key card at every level we reach. I was scared at this stage, not knowing if I am going to face more hardship here. He takes me to a place where I can see rain through the windows; I though in my mind “ how about if he is going to leave me in the rain till I die”, I knew this wasn’t going to happens.
Finally he leaves my hand and opens the final door, I ran as fast as I could into the hallway of C block. I am as happy as I am greeted with the warm air breeze. I turn around to see the guard; he gives me the look, turns around and walks away. I turn around and feel very happy, happy to be alone, to have freedom after all. I walk slowly hearing my footsteps echo. I turn to my right and there is a room for the boys and the left for the girls, it had a sign saying “Visitors Room”
“Lisa”
It was something familiar I heard, I couldn’t recognize it was my name. It had been so long I never heard my name; we never call people by their name here in the cells. There is only one person that knows my name. I look around to see where my name was coming from, even before I know where its coming from, there he was, standing by the boys visitors room.
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,225 Reviews
Wow, I was completly sucked in. You know, I know what it's like to be in a metaphorical cell of mental crulety. You know I cannot say there's anything wrong with this little work here. Others may find this very entertaining. I will say that I do, and you clearly show the many talents you have in it. Anyway, keep it up and all that.
Hey! This story is very interesting! I love your descriptions, they are so detailed. While reading this piece, I could practically see the setting in front of my eyes. I also really like the concept. It leaves your imagination wide open. So many questions popped into my mind while I was reading the story. This could be a really good starting point if you're planning on developing this story into a novel however I wouldn't recommend leaving it as just a short story because it is a little too vague to end at this point. If you continue writing on, I think that it can develop into an amazing piece. I did notice however that you have quite a few grammar issues. They were all pretty simple so just read over your work and you will probably be able to fix all of them. Other than that, there was nothing major that I would like to point out. I really enjoyed this story so keep writing
Wow, there really is great detail in this and I felt like I could see the entire area! There are only a few issues with this, one being that you used "down here in this brutal block" in the fourth paragraph. Its not necessary at all considering you already said where you were in the end of the previous paragraph, and it doesn't affect the flow at all if you remove it. The last issue, which is pitifully small, is that you said "My eyes are widen" when it should be "wider", lol not a huge deal. Welp, other than those two things, this is beautifully written and I hope you continue writing!!!!
The story is quite compelling at the beginning. Especially the way you describe the setting. It reveals the realistic medium of the story. Somehow, it is kind of mysterious, and a mix of intense situation, and I like it.
You should definitely make a next chapter of this work. It is great!
Thanks for sharing! Kudos to you!
Alchemist
This story is quite interesting! I do hope you continue it. I find it very unique. I am curious though. Is this story set in a hospital/asylum/jail?
I found the description of the room at the start interesting. I actually became a bit claustrophobic thinking about it.
Anyway, I do hope you continue this story. I'm very intriuged!
Thank you for your time.
I'll follow you
Thank you a lot. I wrote this story for my English assignment. This story is based in a cell. Thank you. I will follow you back.
There are problems with the description of the cell being too small and cold, if it was so small and he was so tight in there, it would be warm. If the trickle was slow, then it wouldn't be rapidly drenching him. If he was packed so tight then there wouldn't be room for the rats. I have no idea what is going on here. I just hope its some sort of sound and the fury thing. If so, then its been done. It also has a real kafka-esque thing to it. Work on it and refine your writing (OBVIOUSLY, WOW) because it has an interesting concept.
Alright, let me start by saying, WOOT! I love prision/escape style stories. You grabbed my attention from the very beginning and kept till the very end, I was reading just the other day that the fist part of good writing was having a good hook in the beginning, and well, you hooked me.
You described the situation wonderfully, you almost had me feeling a little clausterphobic there for a minute.
There were quite a few grammar errors that I noticed but Chuck10931 seems to have pointed out all the big ones.
The only thing is that I am wondering why they are kept in prison, why would anyone put kids in these situations...and then still allow visitors. MYSTERIOUS...just make sure to clear that up in the next chapter. People like a little mystery(what you have here is fine) but if you never answer our questions we are left in mental fog and you stand the risk of losing us. We want to know what your character knows so that we can relate. Okay?
Keep it up! Nice story, good hook, vibrant description. I am looking forward to your next post.
Keep writing!!
Hello. I am Chuck. Wait! You know that or do you? Anyway.
I loved this story and i'd love to read more. (even though it's a short story)
It pulled me in and I was really stuck into right up to the end.
Okay for starters I noticed that you have some errors.
First mistake:
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See how this revised version flows more freely and sounds a lot better.
Second mistake:
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Fourth Mistake:
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[spoiler]My legs were stiff from being stuck in the same position from day one. I was pulled out of my cell causing scrapes to my elbow and making me hit my head on the low stone opening as I was coming out of the cell. I could already feel the warm red liquid run down my forehead. I tried to show no pain to the man because if I did so, I would only face more punishment.
Eighth Mistake:
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Ninth Mistake:
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Tenth Mistake:
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Okay that is all I can see. You need to read over it aloud and make sure it makes sense. I'm not sure but you seem to be switching between writing styles which is rather confusing.
(You don't need to use my corrected version by the way they were just examples.)
Well that's all I have to say for now. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more!!
Thanks, I will work on it and I shall use some of your ideas to correct my work.