Published February 15, 2011
I wasn't sure about the puncuation, so any suggestions would be great.
Walking through water
My feet cold and wet
The bridge we will cross
will swing beneth us
My shoes sink in mud
all squishy and brown
Jumping over rocks
Slipping and sliding
Wonderful forest
The trees tall and green
The bushes are low
mixed in with ferns
The hill is so steep
Almost have to crawl
Just to reach the top
And enjoy the view
Eat lunch looking out
At bushland and hills
We will continue
very soon indeed
Walk down through the bush
And run into trees
The plants around me
Brush against my leg
We walk back to camp
After a big tramp
So tired and sore
We lay on the grass
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Nice. You tell the story quite well. Personally I think your punctuation is fine but then again I'm no expert.
in the mud? Maybe that would sound better?'We lay on the grass' would be more appropriate.
Your poem is very good but perhaps a little to two dimensional to me. It tells a nice story and that is it. It's great but nothing really stands out but that's just me . Anyway, great job!
edit: I found out you where twelve! wow, that just makes you more amazing.