Published March 30, 2011
I wrote this a few days after the Christchurch earthquake, so it might not seem quite valid in places, but I'm not sure. I hope my poem is still OK. Kia Kaha!
Earth shaking,
Roofs breaking.
Buildings crumbling,
Rocks tumbling.
Some weeping,
Others leaving.
Many trapped,
Hearts snapped.
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews, they are very helpful.
Hey there cupcake, Ethan here.
So, I thought this was okay. But it could be a lot more. You kind of just have these rhymes that describe what physically happens during an earthquake, and while it's nicely done, and you've accomplished what you've wanted to do quite nicely... I have a question for you.
Why should we care?
What does it matter if the world shakes?
(I also have an answer for you. I'm Mr Rhetorical.)
Because of PEOPLE. It's the people that make it matter, the absolutely horror and devastation INSIDE that really makes this important. There are huge earthquakes of these magnitudes happening all the time, only we usually don't hear about them because they don't happen around people. It's people that's the defining factor between normality and nature and a tragic event.
You have two lines in here that reference people, but not much else. Make use feel for the people and make us feel like we're going through the earthquake. Use imagery and figurative language. I know that you've developed this off a rhyme scheme, but try broadening it a bit. You can definitely keep the rhyme scheme if you want to, but try lengthening this and adding some more emotion to it. Right now it's really basic. Let yourself loosen it up a bit, and I think it'll be excellent. It's apparent you have talent; allow yourself to use it a bit more and reflect it in here. Just some thoughts. Good job.
-Primordiality
Hi!
I like the simplicity but you're not telling us a story or creating an image in our heads. You're stating what happened. But why not tell us the emotions of a relative or someone stuck or someone witnessing it. It would read better if you added more to it. Or say how the prayers are keeping hope alive or something. Because it need to connect with the reader on a sensitive level.
I don't really understand what the message of this poem is. You describe an earthquake quite at face value, and then the last line begins to be emotional, but the only thing I can think of as a message to this poem is that an earthquake breaks hearts as well as houses. But well isn't that obvious? Now what do you think of the fact that earthquakes break hearts as well as houses? Any comment? If so, write a poem about that. 'leaving' was rather out of place as well, as were the last two lines because their syllable count is different and they don't end in ing. Perhaps you wanted to make it seem jarring to the reader? If so then fair enough, but the 'leaving' was still out of place, and generally, I didn't find the poem all that deep.
However, I really do like your idea and if you were to develop it a little further into something more complex and sensitive I think it would make an amazing poem.