Published February 20, 2010
I have deleted this in order to edit it I will put more details for a new story so this is unfortunally gone
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140,575 Literary Works • 673,520 Reviews
Hi Cuco,
keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry I didn't get the story much and I think you really need to work on your grammar and spellings.I know you are just eleven year old so don't take this all to heart.You can improve and be a good writer.Others have mentioned most of the things I want to say.You use punctuations,nice description and a more about story.Let me know if I can help you in this. I would like to edit your passage myself,if you allow.
shubhiloves2write
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
There should be a comma between the first 'Ryan' and 'said'.
For names please use capital letters.
There should be a comma after 'things' and then 'So' should be 'so'.
Same here.
And here.
'Doesn't' doesn't sound right here. Changing it to 'He would not put up with it' would be better.
A comma between 'whatever' and 'go'.
'Reason' should be 'reason' with a small 'r' unless it's a name.
A typo here.
This doesn't sound right at all. Changing it to 'was because his friend Amanda that he had a crush on was coming on his bus'.
This sounds like a question so there should be a question mark.
Okay there are far too many errors to correct so please go through your story again. You have many spelling and punctuation mistakes. There is a spell check function so use it. As for the punctuation you will have to re-read it and edit. Your story was very confusing, your sentences were very confusing too. I didn't understand this much.
Okay, to be honest, this was really bad. I did like the idea of the kids traveling through time. Maybe you should make there be less kids or something. Nine seems a little much.
First of all, you really need to use commas, periods, question marks, and other gramatical tools. You basically skipped over that part so the whole story is confusing.
Second, do sixth and seventh graders really talk like that? You need to spice up your dialague, alot. It sounds like a robot who only has a ten word vocabulary. The dialague seems, is, very boring and it made me want to fall asleep.
Third, descriptions. Describe Ryans classroom and teacher. Describe the school and the bus. Describe WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE!!!!! Give Ryan more emotions. More thoughts. The story also sounds like no one person is really speaking. its like there is no narrarator and the story is just blah.
As for description, i am going to describe your new bus driver. Just for an example:
The bus driver sat in his brown chair, a bag of potato chips in his hand. Ryan could hear him cruching, crunching, crunching from the back of the bus. The old man has a short gray beard and no hair. His head shone like a lightbulb. Then, he gulped down the last of his chips as he began to pull out of the school parking lot.