If the silence of this night was transformed into the sweetness of your voice,
my heart would jump of emotion. If the brightness of the stars
that watch the night, be transformed into the tenderness of your eyes, mine would be filled with joy. If tonight you feel what I feel for you, you can not imagine how happy you could make me. But tonight I'm unhappy because you do not feel what I want you to feel. Tonight I'm unhappy because the silence does not become the sweetness of your voice, but the bitterness of your contempt. Tonight I'm unhappy because the stars do not reflect that tenderness in your eyes that I would like to see. Tonight I say to you , I'm afraid to go to sleep, I don't want to see the daylight tomorrow, because I can not stand another day of your contempt.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
It looks like the formatting of your poem got messed up. ^^; If you can, try to fix it.
You've already used the word contempt. Since this is such a short poem, reusing a word comes across as too repetitive.
Overall, not a bad poem. I like how the tone changed from beginning to end and how simple this poem is. You need to be a little more careful with your spelling and grammar. I've pointed out a couple of spots and made suggestions. The formatting really does need to be fixed, though, since right now, it's a bit hard to read.
First of all, welcome to YWS!
The last part of this sentence stumbles just a bit, perhaps if you were to say "you can not imagine how happy you could make me" -or somethingNow for the review:
Also, I'd like to suggest you line up your poem so that it has fewer words on each line, just for the purpose of making it easier to read
All in all this is a great poem, and the fact that it ends on a low note really makes it stick in your memory- great job, and keep on writing!
~Mel