Warning: I am going to rewrite this chapter so please don't read it if you don't want me to mess with your sanity.
“No,” Stella screamed, “You don’t get it Von, I love him.” She sprinted across the parking lot, dashing for Tom’s car while fumbling for the keys. It was too late. She felt sharp pain in her right shoulder. There should have been a knife in her shoulder, but in its place were teeth marks. All Stella could do now was stare into those familiar dark brown eyes. Wow, she thought, I can’t believe he bit me.
Von wasn’t a vampire or any other type of mythical creature; he was just a normal boy, a semi-friend. He was in shock, he hadn’t meant to bite her, perhaps kiss or stab her, but certainly not bite her. Blood stained his teeth, it tasted salty.
“Why’d you bite me?” Stella screamed.
Von didn’t know what to say; he wasn’t even sure himself. “I love you Stella, I always have. If I can’t have you, no one can unless you pay the price.”
“You sick person!” Stella kicked him as hard as she could.
***
Von:
I grabbed her. She was easy to hold. I kissed her. She should of felt something that Tom couldn’t give her, a kiss so passionate. Tom kissed her with words. I knew he wasn’t really a good kisser.
***
Stella:
Von kissed me alright. Tom hadn’t even done that before. It wasn’t like in the chat room. Things were different in real life, he was too shy. I kicked him harder though… He still bit me and stabbed me.
***
Tom:
Tom ran to his car when Justin told him he saw Von chasing Stella out to the parking lot with a knife. What he saw broke his heart. Von had kissed her and he hadn’t even done that before, they’d been dating for three weeks now, three!
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140,645 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Too twilight, Phobez!!!! D:
Lol, I'm not making it into a vampire, no mythical creatures in this story. Sorry about posting this chapter. I realised (haha, I'm using the Brittish spelling) that it doesn't exactly make sense, so I will rewrite it soon.
However, I like the part where Von bites Stella so it stays.
So, here's the thing. It was good. Intriguing and whatnot. BUT I did think it should have been a little longer, a little more drawn out so we could get the full impact of Tom's reaction. To be honest, I think you're going too fast with this piece. These big things are happening, and the effects aren't realistic enough because you zoom by too quickly. You need to slow it down a little more. Let people have their reactions; savor it. It'll be better, trust me
Overall, though, I liked the little twist with Von (by the way, do we know who Von is? Sorry, it's been a couple of days since I read part 1). Also, I agree with the first reviewer (sorry, don't remember the username):DO NOT, BY ANNNNNY MEANS, TURN THIS INTO A VAMPIRE STORY. PLEASE. MY SANITY DEPENDS ON IT.
Okay, thanks. Keep writing! See ya.
Woah woah woah. Random much? Since when did this turn into a vampire story?
Please please don't make it about vampires. It is not classy (haha) and it is overused. Can you just keep this a cutsie romance story?
And I felt like I was missing something. Is there a big jump between your two posts that I missed?
Sorry, but I didn't like it.
Classy