Published November 10, 2011
Your delicate little head was meant to rest tenderly on my flesh,
protected from the cold of this world.
But I forgot how cold can seep,
even into the tiniest of crevices.
You had warmth in your last hour,
as you breathed your even breaths.
You were wedged between man’s best friend
and your meadow of carpet fibers.
But cold is tricky;
cold put on a mask of warmth and took you away from me.
You were smothered in heat,
too much love and you suddenly forgot how to breathe.
I forgot how heavy the weights of life were
and how delicate the fragile frame of your shoulders was.
In a careless moment,
I let you carry the heavy stones
and you broke into pieces I couldn’t put back.
You stared at me blankly with your neck twisted and misshaped,
a shadow of whom you once were.
Your body was smushed,
deflated in the moment of your defeat.
As you drifted into an eternal daydream,
you took a piece of me.
Coldness creeps into my soul slowly as I wish for just one more minute.
I’m freezing, and my puzzle is broken,
for forever,
maybe.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
This poem is beautiful.
I love how you expressed sadness in this poem. You used imagery really well throughout, and your word choices were super wise.
I did not get the ending though. It still had the same voice, but the wording seemed a little detatched.
I was actually a huge fan of this piece. The imagery was compelling and didn't just serve as awful useless fluff thrown in because it's a poem (which can often be a trap with images so vivid). I also had no clue that it was a duckling, honestly it came across as a mother of a baby with Rapid Infant Death Syndrome. The thought of a dead infant fit perfectly until the line
and then it sort of moved on a different track for me because now it sounds like the death was an accident. I thought maybe this element could be introduced earlier. But other then that little inconsistency, I really enjoyed the piece. Keep it up.Thers
Crescent,
Immediately, I thought the narrative and imagery was moving, if a bit sad. Without the spoiler I would've never thought it was about a duckling though - I mean, the way it's written, it could be about anything.
These two lines make a lot more sense once you know what it's really about. I really like this overall - it brings a lot of themes to mind and there are interesting lines:
One thing I don't like is the ending. There was no mention of any puzzle, so it caught me off guard, and the impact just seemed a bit weaker compared to the rest of the poem. Mind - the sound of it is excellent.
Some nitpicks/suggestions:
you/I choice: When I read "you and I" - I think immediately to the human story. It's like using two points of views at once - there's direct immediacy and intimacy with the readers, it's an experience that we all go through. You and I is tricky, because normally when a writer uses "I" the reader fills the shoes of the speaker/character as the narrative moves along - everything the speaker experiences - we experience it as this speaker/character. Empathy in a sense. When you put "you and I" together - it becomes a bit muddled, because we're trying to figure out the speakers. Is "you" supposed to be the reader? Is "you" the writer? Or is "you" a third party. So that's one reason to be careful, especially in poetry here word-choice is everything.
In many ways, this is a poem that speaks to all of us. We have all mourned. But this particular poem stands out because it's about you as an individual, right? And the experience of one individual duckling. I think a 3rd person rewrite would actually help make it better & make this stronger. Although, it would mean for a lot of rewriting that may or may not change some meanings. Something to think about.
You mentioned stanza breaks. There's a natural grasp of stanza breaks here. Think of a line as a sentence. Think of a stanza as a paragraph. But poetry is a lot looser. A "poetic sentence" doesn't have to be whole. It could simply contain an idea. Obviously, there's a lot more complexity to this - but that's a basic way to think of it.
Really, it's a beautiful piece. The sentiments are all there.
~ as always, Audy
I agree with Solly. It does sound like a child until you get to a few certain lines which explain its really about a duckling. The spoiler is really good
Hi there crescent.
When I first started reading, I thought this poem was about a little kid. Then when I read about 'men's best friend', I got terribly confused. And then I kept on reading and I simply couldn't understand. Guess it kind of made it funny. Thanks for the spoiler. But this poem is truly beautiful, even if it's about a duckling. How the beauty and love is not only in humans, it's in every living thing in this world! Great job!
~Solly<3
Hi there crescent.
When I first started reading, I thought this poem was about a little kid. Then when I read about 'men's best friend', I got terribly confused. And then I kept on reading and I simply couldn't understand. Guess it kind of made it funny. Thanks for the spoiler. But this poem is truly beautiful, even if it's about a ducklin. How the beauty and love is not only in humans, it's in every living thing in this world! Great job!
~Solly<3
Relax about the stanzas, for one, because they seem fine to me. Also, nice job with the punctuation. Full stops and proper pauses gave this poem an easy flow. However, and maybe it's just me but the rhyming seemed a bit off. Like, take for example,
Other then that, which actually isn't a big deal and is just a minor nitpick to my OCD brain, this is a really good poem. The overall meaning is clear and the title ties extra meaning into the point of the poem. All in all, very nice piece of work and keep writing.