(verse 1)
okay, I'm sorry I was a little late
I've been taking the time to procreate,
a way to tell you I love you so,
many ideas went out the window
I was mesmerized,
by the beautiful look in your eyes
And every time I close my eyes,
you cross my mind as I lay in bed at night
(bridge)
I try to comprehend these emotions,
but, it'd probably be easier trying to swim 'cross the ocean
(chorus)
All of those times I took for granted
All of those moments and I just can't stand it.
Holding on by just one finger,
I'm praying to God that you would linger.
Taking the bitterness straight to heart,
just to be honest, it's tearing me apart.
I'm digging my grave in the middle of the night
I'm hoping and praying you'll save me,
before I'm buried alive
(verse 2)
My darkest days,
never seem to go away.
I'm struggling with the pain and endless hallways,
that always remain the same.
What's real to me?
Killing myself over a dream that i just can't reach.
My self esteem has taken a beating now and then,
It's not a feeling that I recommend.
(bridge)
I try to comprehend these emotions,
but, it'd probably be easier trying to swim 'cross the ocean
(chorus)
All of those times I took for granted
All of those moments and I just can't stand it.
Holding on by just one finger,
I'm praying to God that you would linger.
Taking the bitterness straight to heart,
just to be honest, it's tearing me apart.
I'm digging my grave in the middle of the night
I'm hoping and praying you'll save me
(chorus)
All of those times I took for granted
All of those moments and I just can't stand it.
Holding on by just one finger,
I'm praying to God that you would linger.
Taking the bitterness straight to heart,
just to be honest, it's tearing me apart.
I'm digging my grave in the middle of the night
I'm hoping and praying you'll save me,
before I'm buried alive
Before I'm buried alive
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
First of all, I'm sorry about posting this twice; I am new to this site and didn't know that replies to reviews don't count as reviews. Second of all, I have written tons of lyrics but reviewed...um...as of now, none, so feel free to think I don't know what I'm talking about, because you might be right x_x
In any case, I agree with many of the criticisms levied above by Mea. The hardest thing for me when writing a song is telling a detailed story and rhyming. I tend to sacrifice story for rhyme, and I may be projecting, but it seems possible to me that, especially in the second verse, you focused too much on getting the lines to rhyme and ended up with somewhat vague statements about the speaker's pain and suffering that rhymed instead of the specific, unique details Mea mentioned. There are many generic songs out there about pain and suffering, and the best way to make your song stand out is to make it personal. Tell your story with the song; maybe replace the lines about your "darkest days" with a detail about an event that made a particular day dark. Or, hey, you have an interesting image with the "endless hallways"; maybe write the whole second verse about how your situation makes you feel like you're walking endless dark hallways in a maze because it feels like there's no escape from the situation you're in.
Another suggestion: if you want to keep writing lyrics, you may also want to get into the habit of counting syllables to make sure that you have the same number of syllables per line from verse to verse. From there, practice speaking the lines in the verses out loud to make sure they have the same meter. Meter is very important in songs (and unfortunately, is often a beast and a half to get right, and requires a lot of practice to be able to do).
You have a solid basis with a lot of emotion behind it, and I hope my ramblings will give you some help in tweaking it. Good luck!
Hey there! I thought I'd come along and review this for you today. I'm not amazing at reviewing lyrics, but I'll do my best.
I like this, overall. Lyrics are very different from poetry, and this definitely has a lyrical feel. I can almost hear the kind of song that these words would be set to - you do a very good job of creating and keeping to a strong rhythm throughout the song.
I will say, it's a little repetitive. To be honest, that's more of a personal pet peeve of this genre in music rather than this particular song, but in particular I think your chorus is a little long, and the fact that it takes up about 3/5ths of the song is what makes it not ideal.
In particular, the problem is that the verses don't tell enough of the story on their own. The second verse especially doesn't say much about what's actually happening to the person, just talking about how the person is feeling. The chorus, which is usually supposed to be the underlying sentiment of the poem and tie the verses together, actually feels like it's carrying more weight than the verses in terms of imagery.
The first verse starts out fairly general, but not bad - the procreate line is interesting. And then it goes into the chorus, which is fair enough. But the second verse, where the rest of the story should have been built, didn't deliver. Again, it's just really general and would benefit a lot from specific, unique details about how the narrator wound up feeling like that.
The odd enjambment of "so" was more jarring than anything for me, especially since the rest of the poem doesn't really go with that style. It would kind of depend on how it was sung, but still.
And that's all I've got! Hopefully this was helpful to you. Good luck, and keep writing!
First of all, I have written tons of lyrics but reviewed...um...as of now, none, so feel free to think I don't know what I'm talking about, because you might be right x_x
In any case, I agree with many of the criticisms levied above by Mea. The hardest thing for me when writing a song is telling a detailed story and rhyming. I tend to sacrifice story for rhyme, and I may be projecting, but it seems possible to me that, especially in the second verse, you focused too much on getting the lines to rhyme and ended up with somewhat vague statements about the speaker's pain and suffering that rhymed instead of the specific, unique details Mea mentioned. There are many generic songs out there about pain and suffering, and the best way to make your song stand out is to make it personal. Tell your story with the song; maybe replace the lines about your "darkest days" with a detail about an event that made a particular day dark. Or, hey, you have an interesting image with the "endless hallways"; maybe write the whole second verse about how your situation makes you feel like you're walking endless dark hallways in a maze because it feels like there's no escape from the situation you're in.
Another suggestion: if you want to keep writing lyrics, you may also want to get into the habit of counting syllables to make sure that you have the same number of syllables per line from verse to verse. From there, practice speaking the lines in the verses out loud to make sure they have the same meter. Meter is very important in songs (and unfortunately, is often a beast and a half to get right, and requires a lot of practice to be able to do).
You have a solid basis with a lot of emotion behind it, and I hope my ramblings will give you some help in tweaking it. Good luck!
this piece is very emotional. you see someone who wants to give up but just doesnt have the will to let go, this then represents how individuals are when it comes forgetting. the meomries that a person shares with someone else is really what keeps them holding on to that person.(that you already mentioned) emotions that a person feels its hard to try to understand how and why but you so clearly stated a simile that it would be easier to swim across the ocean instead,this then shows exactly how hard it is to try to get your feeling back to normal. i love this peace because this explains how i feel right now since im going through something. i like that this can be a song and still a poem