Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is under my folder “A deadly race”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=195. Enjoy!*
Introduction
Isabella, her little brother, Christopher and their cousins, Elizabeth and Lily, were only playing a race car video game together. Isabella was not a fan of such a competitive game anyway but she still gave it a try, to make everyone else happy.
But as they played on the controllers, the TV screen seemed to blink, then the colors swooped in closer and closer…
And they were in the race cars, ready to drive by.
If they wanted to escape the game, then they had to get to the finish line.
Maybe they could all stay on track.
Chapter One
Isabella held the steering wheel tightly as the car drove on. She was trying to control it as best as she could, but she was never too good at those kind of games.
She couldn’t see Christopher or her cousins anywhere, only the black wheel in front of her and the blinding sunlight above her.
The car was vibrating so much that Isabella felt like she was going to fall off.
Chapter Two
I had to race here. I didn’t have anybody else with me.
Isabella heard what sounded like Christopher’s voice screaming along with the strange voice in her head. The sky got closer and closer as her car went flying-How?! How was she supposed to hit the brakes when everything felt like it was moving?!!
It was heading back to the tracks, pivoting all the way down.
Chapter Three
Christopher was at the lead with Elizabeth. They both were better at the game than Lily and Isabella. Isabella was the worst, Lily was alright, but Christopher and Elizabeth were better. He could hear her laughing in the car next to him as he sped on.
He couldn’t help but scream with excitement, for they were really in the game! It wasn’t every day that something like that could happen. Because Elizabeth was at a tie with him, he had to beat her. He had to better than her so he could gloat about it once they got out, which would absolutely happen. Why wouldn’t it happen? It-
His hands…what was happening to them?
Chapter Four
Skin was peeling off of them, falling on the brakes, where his feet had rested. Blood spotted the sleek black inner surface of the car.
Christopher could feel it coming apart, as well as the wind rushing in his face and the bumpy tracks. He could feel everything mixed together.
Screams of joy turned to screams of fright. So easily, too.
Chapter Five
Come on, Lizzy. Don’t you want to be the best? Success comes with pain.
Elizabeth did not know where the voice was coming from or where she was, because at one moment, she was driving on the track and the next, she was in a dimension of red and black, with a swirling sky above her and thunder striking every second.
It would have been a very thrilling and cool thing to see…if her heart didn’t feel like it was going to explode and it was all still a video game.
Chapter Six
Lily stopped the car abruptly, wincing as it crashed against a barbed wire fence. She didn’t want to play anymore. It was getting to be too much and too hard.
She unbuckled her seatbelt and with shaking, bony legs, stumbled out of the car. Nobody saw her yet. Nobody stopped her.
Maybe Lily could get the others to stop too.
Chapter Seven
“Guys! Stop! Please!” Lily called out, both hands around her mouth as she yelled out for them.
But all of the cars just zoomed past. She couldn’t tell who was her family and who were just NPCs from how fast they were going. Her own voice echoed back to her.
Lily’s legs shook as she kept walking.
Chapter Eight
You should be happy if you have others with you. You weren’t like THIS.
A tall girl was in a pink race car, her long, curly hair blowing in her face as her body seemed to float away from the seat. Isabella couldn’t see her face, her hair was in the way.
The girl’s brown skin seemed to be peeling off of her hands.
Chapter Nine
“HELLO?!” Lily’s voice called out frantically.
Wait, Lily?! Where was she among all the smoke and the zig-zag tracks? Isabella could hear her but she couldn’t see her.
She swerved the car towards Lily’s voice, planning to find her as best as she could.
Chapter Ten
The car zig-zagged on the grass a bit, because it wasn’t the best terrain, but eventually, it came to a jarring stop that propelled Isabella away from the seat.
She scraped her arms and legs on the grass, but got up and brushed off the dirt.
“Lily?!” Isabella called out, both hands around her mouth to better echo her voice.
Chapter Eleven
Isabella heard something that sounded like a voice, but she couldn’t be sure, so she called out yet again.
“Isabella!”
Lily came running up to her from the dark, her skin bruised and dark rings around her blue-green eyes. She was hurt, but at least she was still alive.
Isabella hugged her tight, heart racing as she couldn’t believe that she was holding her cousin, glad to have found her amidst the mess, but oh so fearful of what would happen next.
Chapter Twelve
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. My skin is coming off! I want to go home. Did you find the others?”
“No, Lily. They’re still on the race tracks. Some of my skin came off too. Look.”
Isabella showed Lily her hand, which had pieces of her brown skin hanging off of her bones. Lily gasped, worried.
But it was better for her to know that she wasn’t alone in that. That was what Isabella believed, anyway.
Chapter Thirteen
The race car got faster, so much so that Elizabeth couldn’t hear anything without it all sounding like the same kind of shrieking to her.
And what was that in the distance? That swirling purple-black void?
Elizabeth couldn’t turn away, the car seemed to pull her towards the infinite spiral.
Chapter Fourteen
The spiral got closer, closer, and closer still, until it was a dark purple tunnel, electric blue lights blazing ahead like fast strobe lights.
It looked like a race track Elizabeth was on, but she couldn’t see the track to it.
This was just a game. Until they made it feel like it wasn’t.
Chapter Fifteen
A girl, young teen, playing a race car game in an arcade. She wasn’t playing alone. There were others. Friends? Cousins? Elizabeth did not know.
They knew each other well, shouting and laughing with each other with a sense of familiarity. Except the girl seemed a little stressed with how she moved the controllers, her eyes wide in anxiousness.
Kind of like when Isabella played video games with them.
Chapter Sixteen
Christopher screamed when he felt something sharp stab him in the back. His hands let go of the steering wheel, his head banged limply against said wheel.
THIS is what they used on me when I was playing the game. This knife. They said they didn’t mean it, but I knew better.
He saw flashing images of a girl playing a video game, a knife plunged into her back as she held the fake steering wheel far too tightly.
And he couldn’t see anybody else, not even Elizabeth.
Chapter Seventeen
The sky above them swirled more and more, getting closer and closer to Isabella and Lily, like it was going to press down on them.
They never loved me. They thought I played too much. They thought that I WAS too much!
“Who are you?!” Isabella called out to the voice, desperate for an answer, something that would make sense among the madness.
Chapter Eighteen
“Do you like that? You like seeing them struggle when it’s supposed to be fun? You like making fun of them?”
Elizabeth’s head hurt so, so badly. Where was a pillow? When would the game end? Why did one of the kids stab the girl in the back?
“That seems to be something you’d like.”
Chapter Nineteen
EGERIA EGERIA EGERIA EGERIA the name rang throughout Isabella’s mind. That was the girl in the game, the girl killed by her cousins, trapped by her cousins, always racing to the finish line.
“We’re not your cousins! I know it’s not fun to feel pressured when you’re playing a video game! I feel that way too. But we can be friends!” Isabella called out to her.
Lily looked at her, raising an eyebrow, skeptical of what Isabella would say next. But she knew. At least Isabella hoped that she did.
Chapter Twenty
Egeria didn’t say anything. But Isabella could feel her skin being stitched back together, could feel the pain in her body slowly disappearing.
She looked down at Lily and saw that she was starting to be stitched back into place as well. When Isabella looked up, the sky got closer and bluer, the sun so bright it was like she could reach it, everything swirled…
The video game itself began to rot away as all of it turned back into something familiar.
Epilogue
Lily, Isabella, Elizabeth, and Christopher all found themselves back in the basement where they played the video game, only the TV and the game itself was gone.
When Elizabeth and Lily’s parents came to pick the girls up, nobody knew what happened to Egeria or what to make of the events that transpired, until in their dreams, where she visited them from the garden of Heaven, not speaking much, but seemingly content.
They never talked about what happened again, but they didn’t need to. They all knew that at least Egeria could rest, that no one would be able to suffer the way she did, ever again.
And they loved each other enough not to kill one another.
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
This story was great, the characters were great and I loved the unique names!
Now, lets get right into the review.
Introduction:
The transition to the game happens very quickly, going from,
To,
with barely any time in-between. Maybe consider adding more detail or stretching it out.
Chapters 1-3:
Chapter one was very well-written and entertaining. My only critique with this would be a
grammatical error.
In chapter one you write,
which instead, should be "these kind of games"
In chapter three you write,
This should be written as "He had to be better than her."
Also in chapter three, you talk a about how good the characters are at the game, however, the story would flow better if you tried to show, not tell.
Instead of listing their skill sets like you did here,
You could use descriptive words to show how good they are instead of just outright telling us.
The rest of the chapters need a little work with pacing. Because although the fast pace matches that of the video game, it was hard for me to grasp concepts or form connections since the chapters were so short.
I also think that you could spend more time introducing and describing the characters, as it helps if people are able to visualize your work.
I do find chapter eight a little confusing, as during the first two sentences, I have no idea who is talking.
Maybe putting the perspective the chapter is in on the chapter title might help with this.
Also, in chapter ten, you write this,
You say that she was "propelled away from the seat," which implies that she flew out of the car. This most likely would've caused more damage than just "scraped arms and legs."
The resolution in chapter twenty happened a bit quickly and lacked some emotion, not explaining why Isabella's words changed her mind.
It goes from,
to,
without any explanation, which threw me off a bit.
Lastly, providing more of a backstory for Egeria could help readers better understand why Egeria and Isabella are that way towards each other.
Overall, this was a great and captivating story! Have a good night/day, and be safe!
This story was a beautiful and engaging read from beginning to end. I really enjoyed the way the you developed the characters and slowly revealed the emotions behind their actions.
The writing felt natural, and the descriptions made it easy to imagine the scenes while reading. What I appreciated most was how the story made me think about the characters even after finishing it. There were moments that felt heartfelt, surprising, and meaningful. The plot kept my interest throughout, and the ending left a lasting impression.
Overall, this was a memorable story with good writing, interesting characters, and plenty of emotion.
This story was a beautiful and engaging read from beginning to end. I really enjoyed the way the you developed the characters and slowly revealed the emotions behind their actions.
The writing felt natural, and the descriptions made it easy to imagine the scenes while reading. What I appreciated most was how the story made me think about the characters even after finishing it. There were moments that felt heartfelt, surprising, and meaningful. The plot kept my interest throughout, and the ending left a lasting impression.
Overall, this was a memorable story with good writing, interesting characters, and plenty of emotion.