16+ Violence

Abby walked out on Halloween night

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

PreviousNext

*This story is under my folder titled “Abby’s disappearance”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. This story is based off a Halloween tale from my story “31 horrendous Halloween tales”, which you can find under my folder “31 Halloween tales”. And Eerie is a character who appears in my story “31 Hellish Halloween Tales”, which is under the same folder I just mentioned. Now, I hope that you enjoy!*

Introduction

On one Halloween night, Abby Peterson disappeared. Just like that, she disappeared into thin air.

At least, that’s what everyone was thinking. Abby was merely taking a walk to look at all of the Halloween decorations. Nobody else was there on the sidewalk she tread on.

But Abby knows what happened to her. Abby’s going to come back.

When she comes back, everything will be set right.

Chapter One

Abby ran her fingers along the velvet wall, her only way of navigating. A few seconds ago, she was walking down the sidewalk of her neighborhood, admiring all of the Halloween decorations, until she felt that someone (or something, perhaps) was following her and then, she felt her skin peeling off…

Then, she ended up in a dark place that seemed to be made of velvet walls, from what she felt. She didn’t know how long she was walking, where she was, or how she got there at all, but she hoped that one day, she’d find a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel, a-

Was that a warm golden glow of a candlelight in the distance?

Chapter Two

Abby sped up towards the light in the distance, her thoughts swimming at the prospect of freedom. She didn’t know what the purpose of that light was or if it would help her at all, but all she had to do was get a little bit closer, see what it was all about…

The candlelight glow expanded into blinding white light, like she was looking directly at the sound, and then, with a shrill ringing sound that seemed to crawl into her ears, the white light popped away like fireworks and she found herself standing in a grand living room with black hardwood flooring, purple velvet walls, and at the top of the stairs, with both hands on the baluster, was a pale man with long, black hair wearing a velvet black cloak over his clothes. His eyes were a stone, steely gray, but his lips quirked at the suggestion of a smile.

Abby couldn’t believe her eyes. Was she really staring at a stereotypical vampire?

Chapter Three

“Salutations, Abby. It would have only been a matter of time before you discovered me. I’m glad that you finally found me, though. My name is Augustine. I already know everything about you. I’ve been following you on that sidewalk, you see.” Augustine said, letting go of the baluster but staying right where he was.

Abby clenched her fists, sweat running down her body. His words didn’t sound right at all, she dreaded what he would say next. What did he want? Why was she in the dimension at all?

“You‘re here because your love for Halloween is exactly what would make you a great monster. As a monster, you would only be allowed to come out on Halloween night, and you would have to frighten at least twelve people all in your neighborhood to stay alive. If you don’t, you die. I understand that this is a lot harder to do now because people rarely get frightened these days, but that’s why I’m here. To teach you. To guide you. Now, don’t fret. We will be back in the human world momentarily.” Augustine said, his voice smooth like a clear lake.

Abby felt her whole head rolling as the world began to tilt to one side, like when she would tilt her dollhouse to one side to watch the dolls fall and pretend that they were in an Earthquake.

What did Augustine mean about turning her into a monster? Why would she want to scare people? Something about the way he worded “scaring people”…did he mean scaring them as something that would shock them for the moment and then soon forget, or actually traumatizing them? What did he mean? What did he want?

The world twisted away and once again, Abby saw nothing.

Chapter Four

But soon the nothingness had cleared out into her block in her neighborhood, except that it looked as though she were watching it from a blurry filter and it was…Halloween night again?

“I’m so glad that it’s Halloween night again! Aren’t you? It’s just such a thrilling, wonderful time! It’s made even more fantastic by the fact that you don’t have any skin! No more of that pesky skin in your way!” Augustine exclaimed delightedly, patting her shoulder.

Wait, what did he mean by no skin? She felt her skin peeling off of her, but that didn’t mean that she really lost her skin, right?

Abby looked down at her body and screamed a bloody, gargled scream when she found that she was all squelching muscle and spindly bones, no skin covering her body. What? How? And why? What did he want with her? Why did he take away her skin? What was the point?

“Don’t be sad! You’re pretty now! Being monstrous is the prettiest way to be, because you’ll get to scare people more! But we can’t waste our time any longer! The night is just starting, we must begin with the spooks!” Augustine beamed, his gray eyes sparkling.

Augustine wrapped his arm around Abby’s shoulders and began to lead her towards the town, the blurry filter of the world never faltering. Her heart was racing with panic and dread as she thought of how he acted much more mature and collected in the other world than he did in the human world, where he seemed to have the excitement and understanding of a little boy.

What did he want? Why did he slightly change the way he spoke in different worlds? What was his deal?

She couldn’t just let him tell her what to do, she needed answers.

Chapter Five

Augustine led her down the sidewalk, arm wrapped around her waist softly but not without strength. Abby couldn’t move away from his grasp, his nails seeped right into her sinewy red muscle. But she wasn’t going to just do whatever he wanted with a smile on her face either.

“Why are you doing all of this? What’s the point? Can I get my skin back and then can you let me go home?” Abby asked, her tone laced with annoyance and hints of fear.

Augustine laughed lightly (or at least attempted to, she could hear notes of harshness embedded in), and he stopped in front of a house that seemed to have Trick-or-Treaters head straight towards as their first option and boomed:

“I’m doing this because it’s fun! Watch and learn, Abby. I’m gonna scare the bejesus out of those kids!”

Augustine then let go of her and ran off towards a group of young Trick-or-Treaters going towards the house, a slight crackle appeared in Abby’s vision like broken glass as he did so.

Chapter Six

Abby made a run for it as soon as Augustine was jump-scaring a group of children, but no matter how far she ran, the blurry filter never left, and she was pulled back to Augustine after she had run three blocks.

Of course, if she had escaped successfully, there would be the dilemma of having no skin. But what if she got her skin back after escaping? What if…she still didn’t know why Augustine was holding her hostage and making her scare people?

Abby had to stand back and watch as Augustine bared his teeth and claws at yet another group of kids, seemingly running off a “scaring children” high.

Abby sighed, reminded of older kids who did the same thing when she was younger. It used to make her think that the older kids were so powerful, that they had seen and done monumentally horrible things, but as a teen herself, she started to see it as pathetic. Why would people feel the need to scare those younger and more vulnerable? Did they not have anything more valuable to do with their lives?

But it wasn’t like she could leave, could she?

Chapter Seven

“Did you see that? Me scaring all those kids? Did you take it all in?” Augustine asked with bright eyes, clasping Abby’s hands with his own. He had just finished scaring the children and joined Abby where she was, for she was unable to do anything but watch.

“Can you please let go of my hands?” Abby asked, for she could feel the blood trapped within spill out into Augustine’s own hands and it was not exactly a pleasant feeling.

Augustine let go of her hands and pushed her forward, begging that she frighten the next group of kids. She could still see the blurry filter everywhere, but she could also see a thick purple line in the air…

What was that?

Chapter Eight

Abby reached out towards the thick purple line, unsure if she was exactly doing the right or wise thing, driven only by a persistent curiosity over what it may be, over what could be waiting for her if she did touch it, and then…

The purple line broke and spilled into an overflowing liquid, purple bubbles bubbling away from the air and onto the ground. The blurriness popped away the same way fireworks would, except not as loud. The purple liquid grew and grew into a puddle, so big that Abby jumped away, startled by how fast it was growing. Augustine called out to her, but she didn’t run towards him.

The purple liquid built up into a wall, then splashed onto Abby.

Chapter Nine

For a while, Abby was falling down a spiral of infinitely glittering purple, spinning and twisting away like the squishy, stretchy glitter balls Abby used to play with when she was little. But with the twisting spiral, she could see skin forming back on her body, stitching itself together on her, making her look less unsightly…

The glittering purple seemed to get closer and closer to her until it was like when she pressed her face against the TV screen when she was little, and then it popped like fireworks.

Abby had her skin back. The blurry filter over the town was gone.

Except, when she was standing on the sidewalk of her town, the sky was a dimly glowing blue with pink streaks, a sign that it was the evening. There were Halloween decorations and Trick-or-Treaters, but the cars were painted more brightly and shaped more toy-like than the cars Abby saw, and some of the people who weren’t dressed up in costumes were dressed up in a more formal way, like dresses and suits. It looked just like…like…like…

Like the 1950s! Not only that, but the man giving out candy to children in one of the houses, the man dressed up like a vampire…was that…Augustine?

Had Abby really made it to the past?

Chapter Ten

Abby walked up to the house, intent on seeing Augustine’s face and more of what was going on. It couldn’t just be him giving out candy to Trick-or-Treaters, could it? It had to be something more, something more meaningful…

She watched and waited, but nothing happened. Augustine didn’t seem to take notice to her, it was as though he didn’t see her at all.

The sky had begun to darken into night, the number of Trick-or-Treaters began to disperse, and then…

All of the kids were gone. Before Augustine closed the door, Abby followed him inside.

Maybe then, she would finally get an answer as to what was going on.

Chapter Eleven

Abby followed Augustine to his living room, where he plopped down on the couch and rubbed his hair with both hands, his head facing his knees. He sighed defeatedly, his voice weary and wisp-like, like the dead leaves Abby stepped on the night she disappeared. The way he sat looked as though he had slumped in on himself, as though he had…given up?

But that wasn’t like the Augustine she sort of knew! The one she kind of knew would have been overly excited about Halloween to the point where he was forcing her to do things that she didn’t want to do, so what was the big deal?

“I participated in Halloween. Will you leave me alone now?” Augustine asked, lifting his head up.

For a split second, Abby thought that his gray eyes were looking directly at her, a trickle of fear running down her spine, but then, she heard an equally childish and reptilian voice screech behind her:

“Nope! I’m not done yet!”

Chapter Twelve

Abby turned around and found a glowing neon orange light that pulsed as though it were a beating heart and then, the light dispersed away, revealing a little girl dressed in an orange and black witch costume with gleaming orange eyes, a sharp-toothed smile on her face.

“You said that if I gave out candy this year then you’d go away! Eerie, I swear that I normally give out candy, it’s just that this year, I didn’t quite feel like it. Isn’t it okay to spend time by myself and-“

“Not on Halloween! Besides, even though you did what I asked, wouldn’t it be boring if I just…disappeared? Augustine, you’re going to do great! Just stay right where you are!” The girl-Eerie-cried out.

Abby turned her attention towards Augustine, whose eyes were widening with paranoia and hints of confusion. He looked as though he wanted to get up but wasn’t sure if that was the appropriate or correct thing to do, so he sat there on the couch, waiting…anticipating…

Abby herself wondered what it was that Eerie wanted and more importantly, what exactly Eerie was.

What was she?

Chapter Thirteen

Abby looked to Eerie, awaiting the worst, intensely frightened of her wild orange eyes that seemed to widen every second, just like her somewhat childish sharp-toothed smile, her smooth baby face holding glints and gleams of viciousness like a Jack-o-Lantern with an ancient curse…

“Spooky man with seams of unrest, make him a vampire, care not for his detests!” Eerie cried out in a guttural tone that sounded like there was water clogged in her throat, waving her right hand in the air towards Augustine.

Abby frowned. Was that supposed to be an evil spell? It didn’t sound all that terrifying, if she could be completely honest. It couldn’t possibly be the best that Eerie could do, right? Right. She could do better than that, she-

“AaaaAAHHHH!”

Abby whipped her head towards Augustine’s agonizing scream, that, she didn’t know how to quite explain it, sounded like it was covered in torn-up, greasy skin. It just sounded so skinlike that a shiver ran down her spine, and she thought:

Dang, I didn’t know it hurt THAT much!

Chapter Fourteen

“Now, I can’t have any monsters roaming about in the human world, so I’m going to be sending you to a special place. What you need to do for me is find more people and turn them into monsters. You have the magic imbedded within you, all you have to do is believe in yourself!” Eerie beamed.

Eerie disappeared in a burst of orange glitter, a hole opened up beneath Augustine’s feet, pulling him deep into the ground, deep to where purple smoke curled and twisted like snakes, and then, Abby felt herself abruptly being pulled away, as though a godly hand was snatching her away, and then-

“You were gone for such a long time that I thought you died! What a horrible thought, isn’t it?”

Chapter Fifteen

Abby blinked in astonishment. Standing in front of her was Augustine, holding her right arm. But then, how did he catch up to her? How did he pull her back into reality?

“I guess a part of me wanted you to see the real, true monster that did this to me. It’s been a while since I had some company.” Augustine said, an apologetic expression on his face.

Abby’s mouth dropped open. What…what was he saying?

“It was you who sent me to the past?” Abby asked, for that was what she got from his words. Unless, of course, she was misinterpreting them in some way.

“Yes. How else do you think that I’d be able to send you back here? I’d have to have known where you were so that I could take you back to the present. Now that you know, you cannot change the past, but you can be a monster for-“

“For Eerie? A strange faerie creature? Why are you doing this for her? What makes you think that she’ll help you? What-“

“She’ll kill me if I don’t!” Augustine burst out, tears bubbling in his eyes like those of a child.

But Abby simply rolled her eyes and said:

“From what I got, you’ve been looking this young since the nineteen-fifties. Why would you still want to be alive?”

Augustine sighed deeply. He looked down at the ground, then back at Abby.

“If I die, I’m certain she’ll torment my spirit. She’s ruthless like that. Now, don’t just stand there! Come in and have some fun!” Augustine beamed, the edges of his smile so sharp they looked like they were piercing his eyes, his voice getting a bit too high at the end.

Abby swallowed hard. She would have to do something else to ensure her safety and perhaps Augustine’s too if he didn’t try to hurt her anymore. She had to make sure that didn’t alert Eerie.

She didn’t know how lucky she would be in doing that, but she’d try.

That would make all the difference, right?

Chapter Sixteen

As the Trick-or-Treaters kept coming to the house Augustine took her to, Abby tried her best to scare them, but her heart wasn’t in on it. She knew that the kids weren’t all that terrified when they saw her, especially since she got her skin back. She knew that Augustine was getting annoyed with her, but she also knew that she had to find a way to save him, because maybe if she saved him, then she could save herself.

But what? Should she risk killing him and possibly altering Eerie? Would Eerie know? Was she even that much of a monster like what Augustine showed her? How could she trust what Augustine wanted her to know? How-

“That is not how you scare people! Goodness, you aggravate me!”

Chapter Seventeen

Abby watched as the orange orb in front of her blinked out and in its place, a little orange-eyed girl dressed as a witch stood there, smiling with malice in her eyes.

“Auggie took you on a nice little trip, didn’t he? He showed you everything that happened, right?” Eerie asked.

Abby didn’t hear Augustine say anything, which was odd, because wouldn’t he want to say something to the creature who cursed him?

“Well, he didn’t show you how to be really scary. I can do that with no problem!” Eerie beamed, her voice going an octave lower.

Right before Abby’s eyes, Eerie began to grow taller and taller, her costume ripped into rags, she had grown so tall that she couldn’t stand up straight, and with her height, her hair grew into long, unruly black tufts over her leering face. Her peach skin had paled into bone white, her fingers had curled into claws…

And pulled towards Eerie as though with an invisible rope was Augustine, his eyes wide, his lips pressed close together as though they were glued shut, his limbs pressed achingly close to his body.

What had she done to him?

Chapter Eighteen

Abby caught of a jagged rock on the ground, a rock that was small enough to be held by one hand, but pointed enough to hurt someone.

Without further ado, she ran towards Augustine, bound by Eerie’s magic and drove the jagged rock to his heart. It wasn’t a wooden stake, but she figured it would do the job well.

Eerie’s mangled face contorted in rage, Augustine’s mouth opened as though he were taking a breath of fresh air and then…

The dust came.

Chapter Nineteen

The dust came billowing out of Augustine’s body, his skin crackled away like the last dying flames of fire. An expression of surprise was on his face as the pieces of him wilted away, as he became nothing but a pile of dark clothes on the ground.

Wow. That easy, huh? Just like the vampires in media. I wonder if I’ll be able to go home now. Abby thought as she stared at the pile of the ground, not quite ready to celebrate yet.

But of course, nothing is ever that easy, for Eerie’s smile withered into a scowl, her orange eyes alight with wrath and the tips of her claws seemed to become slightly pointier.

Abby swore she heard a low, rumbling growl from Eerie’s throat. A literal growl.

Chapter Twenty

“Nobody takes away my magic! Nobody! Why, I’ll take you and Augustine to my horror house now that you’ve messed with me!” Eerie shrieked, lunging towards Abby.

But Abby saw the blurry filter around her crackle away like the last dying flames in a Jack-o-Lantern and with it, the town.

Wait…the town?! Where was Abby going?!

Chapter Twenty-One

Abby had then found herself in front of her house. The blurry filter was gone. Kids were still out Trick-or-Treating. Everything was clear.

Still, she couldn’t believe it. Augustine and Eerie were really gone? She was safe? She could live her life without any supernatural-related worries?

Abby walked towards her house anyway. She was going to accept that she was okay in the moment, but she’d be on the lookout for anything odd that may occur.

She would be prepared.

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Mom, Dad, I’m home.” Abby said. Her parents were in the living room, watching some TV. A commercial for Halloween cake pops was on. Abby used to eat those kinds of cake pops when she was little.

Upon hearing her voice, her parents got up from the couch and swept her into their arms, crying about how happy they were that she was back and asking her where she had been a year ago.

Abby stayed silent as she hugged them back. What was she supposed to say? The truth? They wouldn’t believe her.

Maybe if she just said that she got lost, they’d be satisfied enough.

Maybe nothing bad would happen if she just told them what they wanted to be the truth.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Once Abby’s parents were reunited with her, they told everyone they knew, as well as informing the news. People were overjoyed to see Abby again, but they didn’t know what to make of her return. Nobody knew what happened to make her disappear.

Abby herself didn’t know what to make of it. Did she disappear because a poor, powerless man was under the control of a monster? Was that the reason? Was Augustine safe? Was she safe?

She still tried to think of a lie to tell people about the day she went missing a year ago.

Chapter Twenty-Four

It came to her one night, when she was trying to sleep but couldn’t with images of Eerie and Augustine ingrained in her mind. The lie had come to her! It was so easy, she wondered why she didn’t think of it before!

Abby had pushed the covers aside and ran upstairs to her parents’ room, telling them that she took a wrong turn on Halloween night last year and got so lost she ended up at the local woods! It took her a while, but she eventually found her way back home.

The lie sounded plausible, since the street she went on ended at the woods and it satisfied her parents enough that they didn’t question how she could get lost in the woods and return home without any scars or twigs or any blemishes on her body.

But still, a sense of unrest stirred in Abby’s heart.

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Are you sure you don’t regret your decision? You’d make a great monster.” Eerie’s voice said.

Abby’s spine felt prickled with fear upon hearing Eerie’s rasping, wraith-like voice hiss behind her. It was the day after she told her parents the lie and so while they were busy telling everybody else what Abby said over on their phones in their bedroom, she thought that maybe watching some of her favorite Halloween movies in the living room would ease her mind.

But she didn’t expect to hear Eerie again.

“I absolutely don’t. Working for you would have been a nightmare.” Abby said, hoping that Eerie would take the hint and go away. Sure, Eerie was associated with Halloween and watching Halloween movies may not have been the “ideal” way for Abby to calm down, but gosh darn it, she wasn’t going to let Eerie take away her love for Halloween!

“How do you know? I gave you an opportunity and you didn’t take it. Doesn’t that make you boring? Doesn’t-“

“Will you just quit it?!” Abby snapped, growing increasingly irritated with Eerie with interrupting her sacred movie time. She had turned to face Eerie and found that Eerie was not a little girl in a witch costume, but a gray, wrinkly monster in an orange and black raggedy dress and long, spindly extra spider legs protruding from her back.

But Abby wasn’t even scared. She had seen a whole lot of unsightly things last month and frankly, she’d rather have monsters in her movie screen than in real life. Eerie still wanted to bother her, as though she had nothing better to do with her time. Wasn’t she some kind of all-powerful entity? Couldn’t she do something other than pester Abby?

Eerie disappeared in a quick burst of orange light. Abby watched the area where Eerie stood for a few minutes, just in case she would show up again, but nothing happened.

With a huff of irritation, Abby turned back to the TV, hoping to the universe that she’d never have to deal with such ridiculous things ever again.

Chapter Twenty-Six

As she watched her movies, she heard Augustine’s voice whisper in her mind: Thank you for killing me. I was never able to find any stakes or anything like them myself. You saved my life.

Abby felt a chill go down her back, which she took to be the presence of Augustine’s ghost and just when she was going to turn around and talk to him, he was gone.

Her parents had finished calling other people, the last movie of the day was almost done.

Perhaps the supernatural would be done with her…maybe.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

The day had passed by. Abby was standing in front of a haunted house attraction with green and purple lights glowing on it. From where she stood, she heard screams both real and in loudspeakers.

Abby walked closer and closer until she was right next to the house itself. She walked right up to the door and into the different rooms.

There, she saw scare actors roam about, some of them were clowns, some of them were ghouls, quite a few were vampires.

Amidst all of the strobe lights, Abby thought that she saw a door labeled “Augustine’s chamber”. It was locked, but she didn’t think that anybody was behind the door anyway. Why would they be? Wh-

Abby woke up, the dream still circulating in her brain. Was it really a dream or a message? Was that the place Augustine was going to be sent to? Was he trying to send her a message?

Was he talking to her?

Chapter Twenty-Eight

On the pillow next to the one she was lying on, she saw a folded parchment of paper from the moonlight wafting in from her window.

Abby grabbed the paper and folded it open:

“She wanted me to find more people for her. She would have kept me in that house if it weren’t for you. She was planning to send me there, she had a whole room. So really, thank you.”

Abby folded the paper back up and put it under the pillow. She’d throw it out later. Maybe she’d keep it to remind herself of the good deed she did.

But that paper sort of cleared it up about the dream. It was written by Augustine and it was about Eerie. She knew that.

She had more evidence, at least.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Abby kept the note with her so that she’d remember how much her help meant to someone. It was a small thing and she still hadn’t completely forgiven Augustine for kidnapping her and attempting to make her a monster to work for Eerie. She didn’t think that she ever would.

But he was saved and Eerie was gone. Even if Eerie wasn’t entirely gone, Abby would still know how to deal with her. She’d have the confidence to fight back and that was surely meant something.

Not having friends made Abby’s life easier, because she didn’t have to explain to anybody what happened. No one would care enough to ask further. People were all astonished and happy that she returned, but they wouldn’t ask further questions.

That much was fine with her.

Chapter Thirty

Halloween for Abby was full of whimsy and joy, a time where she felt as though she could truly be herself with no apologies. It was a holiday that stayed fun for her, even after what Eerie and Augustine did.

In fact, her Halloween costume when she was seventeen years old was a skinless zombie, representing the monster that Augustine had briefly turned into last Halloween.

She wouldn’t let evil souls ruin what brought a smile to her face. No, it’d take a lot more to dim her Jack-o-Lantern glow.

All Hallows’ Eve would never lose its charm, ever.

Epilogue

Though Abby never spoke of what happened to her on Halloween night with her parents, it still danced throughout her dreams and her everyday, passing thoughts. It even became more apparent in her mind when her parents decided that they’d go to the haunted house in her dreams every October, delighting in the spooks and screams from the “scare actors”.

No, Abby didn’t know where the people came from or why they were taken, but it didn’t stop her from wondering. It didn’t stop her from speculating what kind of torture they went through to become monsters and thanking the universe that she hadn’t undergone their fate.

Halloween has many histories and just like Halloween, Abby was content to only live with its bright sides.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
mycocosm
Review

Hey there,

Back for a second review today! I like this story that you've created, I think it asks many questions that it then answers, comes full circle, and leaves the reader satisfying and with a sense of closure to your story. Good job!

Here are some things I appreciated

Save for a couple of paragraphs with run-on sentences, I think you have some well-paced descriptive language that really paints a great picture of the scenes that you're creating. I especially liked this description of Augustine, I think that it paints a playfully evil nature of your character:

His eyes were a stone, steely gray, but his lips quirked at the suggestion of a smile.


Some of your descriptions are great at not only describing what is going on in the moment, but also give insight to your character. The following is a notable example of this:
[...]like when she would tilt her dollhouse to one side to watch the dolls fall and pretend that they were in an Earthquake.

With this quote you:
>describe what is happening visually
>give us insight into the character, that she plays with dolls and that she uses them not only in the way they're intended. Creating an earthquake for your dolls is not something everyone does, and it gives insight into the grotesque/horror inclination that Abby has.

I appreciate overall the humour that you include in your writing, the narrator making meta references to the fact that what the reader is reading is in fact a story. One such instance I enjoyed was:
Was she really staring at a stereotypical vampire?



In terms of character building, I like the chill vibe of Augustine who is a chatty character and can get away with speaking a lot of expositional dialogue (explaining what is happening in the plot explicitly to another character). It doesn't feel forced when he does it because he sounds like a monster who likes to hear himself talk, at least at the beginning of the story!

I also really enjoyed the whole memory scene, which I find is well constructed.
Spoiler
I also like that is was a plan of Augustine all along for Abby to see this memory, so she could empathise with him and ultimately lead her to saving him!



Here are some things I think could be improved

A general note: why are these different chapters? To me, many scenes feel like a continuation of the action from the previous chapter. I think this could even all work well as one short story, without the different paragraphs. In some moments it feels like you're asking the reader, pay attention, another action is going to happen here, but this is what paragraphs are generally for, so there's no need for you to do this!

In this section, at the beginnig,
"Nobody else was there on the sidewalk she tread on. //
But Abby knows what happened to her."

there is a change of tense, be careful to keep everything in present or past tense. There are a couple of instances of this, just watch out cause it can through the reader off!

When you describe that Abby "felt her skin peeling off," I'd love to hear more of this! Was it an excruciating experience, or did the skin peel in a sunburn kind of peeling way, easily and without pain? These very intense moments can be great for the reader to build empathy with the character, so use them as much as you can!

Then, in many instances, the narrator asks questions explicitly:
What did he want? Why did he slightly change the way he spoke in different worlds?

I'd argue that you should let the reader ask these questions. If you are giving enough description and context into what is happening to the characters, these questions will logically arise in the readers mind, you don't need to ask them yourself. Trust your reader!

At one point, you write of Augustine:
He had just finished scaring the children

For something so integral to the plot (Abby's new mission is to scare children) I'd like to see more description of this act. Is it effective, are the children scared? Do they run away, do they try to fight?? Tell me more!

This part confused me a bit:
"She could still see the blurry filter everywhere, but she could also see a thick purple line in the air…"

It was unclear to me that this purple line was something tangible, because she sees the blurry filter (but she doesn't seem to be able to touch it), and also this line: how can you describe this line so that it feels like something more tangible, so that the reader isn't confused about what she can touch and what she cannot? To me both the filter and the line are described similarly enough that they seem to have the same qualities, and if she can touch the line she should also be able to grab the filter, if this makes sense?

Then, other explicit telling, instead of showing:
Maybe then, she would finally get an answer as to what was going on.

Again, this should be implied in your writing, the reader is already thinking this, so there's no need for you to point it out again.


Overall, I enjoyed reading this text! You opened up various plot points that in the end you managed to return to and conclude, and I think you developed an interesting story arc, with a lot of context into the characters and their motivations.

Good job, and I hope this review was useful!

Thank you for reading! I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this and the points were helpful! :>

User avatar
Tikaya
Review
Tikaya wrote a review · Thu Dec 04, 2025 6:03 pm

And we are back to our usual shenanigans 😊 Hello!

I find this one a rather weak intro to the story, especially this sentence here: “At least, that’s what everyone was thinking.”
But I like the promise that Abby makes… even if it sounds kinda like she might come back as a vengeful spirit…

Uhm I wish there was … some sorta reaction to her feeling her skin peeling off @.@
Is that rly nothing???

I feel the whole thing with Augustine goes by real quick, we barely really get any physical reactions from Abby. And then he mentions that she has no skin and… well, given how little Abby cared earlier I guess I shouldn’t be surprised abt her nonchalant reaction? Shouldn’t that have hurt? But well, at least her reaction to SEEING it is appropriate!

I like how proactive your MC is this time around. No blindly going around all like “huh I guess I’m a vampire now, CHOMP” or “well monsters are scary, guess that’s what I am now”. Nope! Abby takes one look at this and BOLTS. You go girl!! Even if it doesn’t work, the effort is so so appreciated <3

Oh oh I am so confused but intrigued by her destroying this purple line thing.

It’s Eerie! I know her! She still collecting monsters, huh?
I rly like the way you handle this flashback. Makes me feel for Augustine, at least a little bit. He seemed to be kinda half-willingly working with Eerie before she turned him into a vampire.
Oh what a harsh question “Why would you still want to be alive?” Why wouldn’t he want to? Living is great! But I do like how Abby’s able to push this sad backstory aside like that bc Augustine still chose to do evil. It doesn’t even look like he tried to run away from it all☹

Welp that is the end of Augustine. I’m surprised this went over so smoothly. But … he did mention Eerie had the power to keep his ghost captive…

…again I feel like the reaction to her miraculous return after a year is… kinda brushed aside in an unsatisfying way. If you don’t wanna write abt it, I respect that… but try to at least use more evocative language in the few sentences you deem necessary to describe it.

I do like that she doesn’t let Eerie control her life.
Although I do rly wonder if the haunted house does have tortured ppl in it and if it does, in what way Abby should feel responsible for them, considering she’s the only one who seems to know?
Or are u just saying that the monsters are what they are now, but no longer in danger? Just... working there out of their free will?

Some do. Not all work there out of free will. I have stories about it in my Halloween tales.

thx for reading!



cron
"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns