Hi there!
I wanted to leave a quick review! First off, I love the way you started this piece; the initial line instantly had me hooked. You do a great job narrating the story in an almost fairy-tale like objective way that gives your piece an air of mystery.
"The woman was not always a gentle soul; as a girl, she threw words like knives..." the imagery in this line is beautiful though the subject matter is rather dark (in a good way).
"...a wicked privilege bestowed upon her by her parents, who believed in nothing less than perfection." Just a suggestion, but I would recommend removing the comma here because it adds an unecessary pause that disrupts the flow.
"Appropriately, the girl never dictated her choices - beyond the former discussed." I'm not quite sure what you mean by "appropriately" in this sentence, but if you mean to say that as a result of what her parents put her through, she never got to make choices for herself, I would recommend choosing a different word because it did throw me off a bit.
"She was strikingly thin, and my bulky frame shattered her mortal shell. As that crumbled, her inside pieces came cascading out." I love the imagery here but I would love to know what you mean by "shattered her mortal shell" and "her inside pieces came cascading out". It's a beautiful sentence, but I think the passage could be a lot stronger with more detail to help the reader connect more with the characters.
"She confided in me, how she had treated others, and treated herself, mostly drunkenly, yet that doesn’t make our moment any less real." To maintain the consistency of your usage of the past tense, the "doesn't" in this sentence should be changed to a "didn't".
I love, love, love the end of your story. Your words crafted a description that was both whimsical and touching.
All in all, you did an amazing job with this piece, and I look forward to reading more from you.
- PoetryMisfit
Points: 3296
Reviews: 60
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