Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Romantic

E - Everyone

Lucky Stars

by creativeusername23


The woman who wears rainbow shorts and dances through the street at night was not always so.

The woman was once born to a mother and father. She wore all black and seldom smiled. The woman was once a girl, one who took her life for granted. The woman was not always a gentle soul; as a girl, she threw words like knives, basking in the anguish she inflicted upon others. These knives symbolized her power, her innate feeling that she dictated those who deserved love, and those who did not, a wicked privilege bestowed upon her by her parents, who believed in nothing less than perfection. Appropriately, the girl never dictated her choices - beyond the former discussed. She had little freedom and hadn’t explored what extraordinary power she had. She moved with urgency and pointedness. She never took a moment to savor her limited time here. All mistakes which would later haunt her.

And years later, they did. The woman who wears rainbow shorts and dances through the street at night was running when we collided. She was strikingly thin, and my bulky frame shattered her mortal shell. As that crumbled, her inside pieces came cascading out.

I’ve never believed in supernatural events; but, I think fate brought us together that night, for she was so vulnerable. If not for some extraordinary workings, I would never have understood why she accepted my invitation on a date that night. If not for some extraordinary workings, I don’t know why I would have even asked. Perhaps I took pity upon her and wanted to help her rebuild her broken self. And so we did.

That night, as we searched for her shattered soul in the bottom of shot glasses and beer cans, we discovered that her past self would be no more. We instead set out, searching to make her anew. She confided in me, how she had treated others, and treated herself, mostly drunkenly, yet that doesn’t make our moment any less real.

She always gave me so much credit, for helping build her back up. My favorite mantra of hers, which she keeps close to her heart each day: “My darling, don’t forget the past, nor regret it, but use it as a tool. Savor the moment, for it may never happen again. Most importantly, don’t let the future come before you beckon it. You are in charge of these, the latter especially.”

And now, as I watch my angel in rainbow shorts as she dances through the streets, I smile as she lives out this very mantra. She grasps a light pole and flings herself about the corner where we first kissed. To some, she may seem distracted as she hums her most favorite tune, eyes closed, yet I know she is wholly and completely immersed in her moment. And as she finishes her grand performance and begins her stroll back to her apartment, she lay a hand on her stomach and looks up, and she thanks her lucky stars, her angel, her husband. Me. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 376
Reviews: 19

Donate
Thu Nov 25, 2021 5:59 am
PoetryMisfit wrote a review...



Hi there!

I wanted to leave a quick review! First off, I love the way you started this piece; the initial line instantly had me hooked. You do a great job narrating the story in an almost fairy-tale like objective way that gives your piece an air of mystery.

"The woman was not always a gentle soul; as a girl, she threw words like knives..." the imagery in this line is beautiful though the subject matter is rather dark (in a good way).

"...a wicked privilege bestowed upon her by her parents, who believed in nothing less than perfection." Just a suggestion, but I would recommend removing the comma here because it adds an unecessary pause that disrupts the flow.

"Appropriately, the girl never dictated her choices - beyond the former discussed." I'm not quite sure what you mean by "appropriately" in this sentence, but if you mean to say that as a result of what her parents put her through, she never got to make choices for herself, I would recommend choosing a different word because it did throw me off a bit.

"She was strikingly thin, and my bulky frame shattered her mortal shell. As that crumbled, her inside pieces came cascading out." I love the imagery here but I would love to know what you mean by "shattered her mortal shell" and "her inside pieces came cascading out". It's a beautiful sentence, but I think the passage could be a lot stronger with more detail to help the reader connect more with the characters.

"She confided in me, how she had treated others, and treated herself, mostly drunkenly, yet that doesn’t make our moment any less real." To maintain the consistency of your usage of the past tense, the "doesn't" in this sentence should be changed to a "didn't".
I love, love, love the end of your story. Your words crafted a description that was both whimsical and touching.

All in all, you did an amazing job with this piece, and I look forward to reading more from you.

- PoetryMisfit




User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 261
Reviews: 41

Donate
Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:28 pm
View Likes
RealSadhours296 wrote a review...



This story was so, so beautifully worded. My god I love it!

The imagery is so poetic. It kind of reminds me of the older works like Jane Austin, although it certainly has its own air and quality to it. As I read it I felt like I was flowing along with the story, with the emotions, and with the characters.

Speaking of the story, it's quite bittersweet. A man helps a woman who has experienced nothing but pain and heartache find happiness and meaning in life. Even when he dies, she has still been changed for the better. It's so sweet and I wish he was still alive to be there for her! I wish I had that kind of relationship with someone. Relationship goals man.

Also I feel like that last sentence is a hint that she's pregnant? If so then one day she'll have a child to pass down her life-lessons of joy too, and her husband can watch in the sky and smile.

I don't see any grammar mistakes right off the bat, so good job. I was a bit startled by such abstract imagery, but that's just because I can be slow, and it quickly grew on me. Keep up the good work, and welcome to the young writer's society new member!



Random avatar


Ahhhh thank you so much!! Yes, I sometimes question this story because of how abstract it is, but writing with that style was a challenge I issued to myself because I had seen it so well done in other pieces of work, so thank you for such positive feedback!



User avatar
2548 Reviews


Points: 265720
Reviews: 2548

Donate
Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:29 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: I think you've done a pretty good job here with this piece. It takes a couple of reads to fully convey its idea, but the plot here is a really wholesome that does leave you a bit of a smile on your face. Its short but I think you still create quite the impact through this piece here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The woman who wears rainbow shorts and dances through the street at night was not always so.

The woman was once born to a mother and father. She wore all black and seldom smiled. The woman was once a girl, one who took her life for granted. The woman was not always a gentle soul; as a girl, she threw words like knives, basking in the anguish she inflicted upon others. These knives symbolized her power, her innate feeling that she dictated those who deserved love, and those who did not, a wicked privilege bestowed upon her by her parents, who believed in nothing less than perfection. Appropriately, the girl never dictated her choices - beyond the former discussed. She had little freedom and hadn’t explored what extraordinary power she had. She moved with urgency and pointedness. She never took a moment to savor her limited time here. All mistakes which would later haunt her.


Okayyy...well, this kicks things off to an intriguing start here. It is a little hard to place exactly where this is going because we have a start that sounds like it would be happy, then we cut to the early years of the same person when they were far less gentle and used to cause all sorts of pain before then moving towards what looks to be something like the reason for the girl's behavior. Its an interesting little rollercoaster of emotions here and as a reader I think this works very well to hook you into the story and give you more than a few things to think about here.

And years later, they did. The woman who wears rainbow shorts and dances through the street at night was running when we collided. She was strikingly thin, and my bulky frame shattered her mortal shell. As that crumbled, her inside pieces came cascading out.

I’ve never believed in supernatural events; but, I think fate brought us together that night, for she was so vulnerable. If not for some extraordinary workings, I would never have understood why she accepted my invitation on a date that night. If not for some extraordinary workings, I don’t know why I would have even asked. Perhaps I took pity upon her and wanted to help her rebuild her broken self. And so we did.


Okayy....things taking some interesting turns there. It seems like whatever sort of flashback the previous piece happened to be, we're now back to the present and discussing who I assume is the narrator of this story meeting said woman when she was in her more gentle state and discovered all sorts of not so great memories. Its a very interesting description there to depict that and it almost sounds like the person has been literally broken open. Its a starting contrast cause that sounds like something horrible, but this seems to be something that's actually healing this person.

That night, as we searched for her shattered soul in the bottom of shot glasses and beer cans, we discovered that her past self would be no more. We instead set out, searching to make her anew. She confided in me, how she had treated others, and treated herself, mostly drunkenly, yet that doesn’t make our moment any less real.

She always gave me so much credit, for helping build her back up. My favorite mantra of hers, which she keeps close to her heart each day: “My darling, don’t forget the past, nor regret it, but use it as a tool. Savor the moment, for it may never happen again. Most importantly, don’t let the future come before you beckon it. You are in charge of these, the latter especially.”


Okayy...so it looks like in a rather lovely twist of fate, things end up working out for this person with the narrator here establishing what looks to be a bit of a relationship there. Its a little less clear with the slightly more abstract images getting tossed about but we can clearly see a bit of a beautiful connection forming here, one that heals whatever continued to haunt this gentle lady.

And now, as I watch my angel in rainbow shorts as she dances through the streets, I smile as she lives out this very mantra. She grasps a light pole and flings herself about the corner where we first kissed. To some, she may seem distracted as she hums her most favorite tune, eyes closed, yet I know she is wholly and completely immersed in her moment. And as she finishes her grand performance and begins her stroll back to her apartment, she lay a hand on her stomach and looks up, and she thanks her lucky stars, her angel, her husband. Me.


Okayy...so that did end up drifting in the direction of a happy ending towards the end there and did in fact end up there with the line seemingly identical to that earlier scene. Its a nice little circle almost and I love this little scene that you end with. Its a great little wrap up to what we had in this story so far.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think you've done a really good job here with this piece. It really succeeds at bringing across this story of someone who was broken but ran into a person than that the ended up changing both lives very much for the better. Its a beautiful little idea and I think you do it really well here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson