TheQuickBrownFox

I always dream about you.
Too late to make up days when I ran and hid away
Failing to spite and shame you
The first secret scenario
That creeps into my halls
And buries them
Covered in your shadows
Drenched in your intent
We’re out for ourselves
Each trying to make amends
With us inside, our own personal tides
With you and he and she and we
Maybe it wont last being so awkward
My head runs to you as a first thought
Old habits die hard and your tough like a rock
My own burning wall
A personal vendetta
Haunted by two lines charging behind me
Two loops attached to tie me
Bind me
hide me
From myself when im alone
From no voice answering up the phone
For the words left unsaid
For every memory both true and dead
For every single fucking tear ive shed
For the humbling humdrums of humility
For every time I kissed with you and let you inside me
From willing to sacrifice what I mean
From thanking some god
To watching you dream
A creep I am crunching my way through sands
Hourglass figures crumbling come undone in my hands
Checking over my shoulder seeing if..(no its not them)..
Haunted and gun-shy
younger but twice wise
Protect me from the loops
don’t let me
fall for those two lines every time

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SeraphTree
Review

Your climax was good- really grabbed me. :D The first half was a little slow, and your imagery was rather confusing. I couldn't tell if they were going to be hanged, or running, or in a firing line, or... :D Also, in the beginning there seems to be a lack of emotion. In the second part she sounds angry, which was kind of surprising and sudden.

My suggestion is that you read it out loud to yourself, see how it flows, what to change, etc.
PM me if you need anything :D:D:D:D:D



The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price