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Too close

by courtneymarshall11

                             it came our of no where
                         it hit me with a large amount of pain
                            i couldn't tell if anywhere cared.
                         i just laid there, not being able to speak
                        no limb was able to move, i was shocked
                     tears streamed  down my eyes and down my cheeks.
                       the ambulance soon came, flashing lights everywhere
                     i was in the back of the ambulance now, couldn't tell if i was dead
                       then i heard a voice;  "it will be okay" it said.
               what was i suppose to believe? i was in an extreme amount of pain.
could barely breath from the car hitting my side and smashing me to the ground.
  i could see myself, sitting in the hospital bed. mom was at the end of it. cryingg.
dad was in the corner of the room, his arms crossed and a deep frown on his face.
   why was mom crying? i was alive from what happened. that voice said it was okay.
   i looked at myself. it was expressionless, pale skin and little hint of embrace.
the doctor came in and gave my dad a handshake and looked at my body.
  all of them left the room, and a nurse came in. she put a blanket over me, head to toe.
what was she doing?! i couldn't be... i just can't! NO!
although i had to take it in.  i was  now dead.

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827 Reviews

Points: 28751
Reviews: 827

Mon Feb 04, 2013 7:30 am
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, Courtney. Welcome to YWS!

This is an interesting concept. I think, however, it should be converted into a more poetic form if you're going to say it's a poem.

It has a rhyme scheme, but just because it rhymes, doesn't mean it's a poem. It's definitely more of a story.

In poetry, you're going to want to use less words for more effect. You're using many words, and while we know the story, I'm not particularly blown away by it.

Let's start by getting the basic idea and story. A girl is hit by a car and doesn't know she's dead (pretty cool story, by the way. Love the idea).

Now, when I write poetry, I tend to focus on the images. You might not write like that. You seem very story driven by the way you write, but a good poem includes both story and images. Let's start at the end, shall we?

You've got the image of a white sheet being pulled over a corpse, yes? Good start. It seems as though in your piece that the soul has already left the body. But what would happen if the soul was still attached? What if everyone knew the body was dead, but the soul was still feeling what was happening to the body?

Perhaps focus on the color. White sheets. What does white symbolize? Usually, white symbolizes purity, new beginnings. Here, however, it symbolizes death. Is death sterile here? Is death pure? As a poet, it is good to ask these questions of yourself, and focus on the answers you find in your words. Here is how I would write the last stanza (this is only an example. You're the poet, find your own answers to the questions you must ask):

Sheets shuffle softly over my skin.
It is time for my new beginning.
Cover my face, nurse, and leave.

You can see what's going on, right? (It's not very good; it was composed for an example on the spot) Try to create images with as little words as possible.

Good luck on your writing. I hope that this review was helpful. Again, welcome to YWS!

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662 Reviews

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Mon Feb 04, 2013 6:18 am
dogs wrote a review...

Once again my lovely lady, WELCOME TO YWS! If you ever need any help or a review please post a message on my wall or send me a PM any time! Ok now on to the important stuff,

So this is a lovely piece of poetry with great amounts of potential in it. A good topic, the only problem I find in it is that it's really more of a short story instead of a piece of poetry. In poetry you need your writing to be shorter lines that get your point across smoothly and clearly. Right now your lines are a little too long to effectively do either. Yes it is poetry and yes you have the leniency to use grammar or not use grammar, but I strongly encourage using capitals at the beginning of each sentence. It just makes everything easier to read and it looks cleaner.

Ok continuing, I think a absolutely magnificent writing idea such as this has such great potential for a strong and captivating beginning. Maybe try starting with the fact that you're flying, gliding peacefully through the air as you pass by a sparrow. And then your face hit the pavement... that excellent contridiction of going from peaceful wonderful and lovely position into extreme pain as your shattered teeth embed themselves into your cheeks and crimson life trickles down your hair. Something along the lines of that.

What this piece is really missing apart from rhythm is some more pizzaz. Some strong and wondrous imagery that just makes the readers jaw drop because they can actually see the picture you're painting for them with your words. That's something your piece really needs, as a writer it is your job and goal to make the reader feel what your character is feeling now. Every single bone cracking and shattering and each teeth gnashing at each particle of skin. Each drop of blood, EVERYTHING! We need to take it all in and it is your job to provide us with it.

I think you're off to a good start and with a few corrections your can really make this a wonderful piece. If you need any reviews on anything please give me a PM, I'm more then happy to review :) Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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1314 Reviews

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Mon Feb 04, 2013 1:40 am
Hannah wrote a review...

I agree with my fellow Knight, my friend. But first I want to welcome you, encourage you to explore all that YWS has to offer, and perhaps leave some reviews of your own on other pieces once you have the time. But yes, I agree. There is little in this poem, as is, that suggests it is a poem and not a short piece of fiction.

I think what you first have to consider is: what makes poetry (verse) different from fiction (prose)? It's not just line breaks, not at all. Poetry is freed from some of the rules of fiction. It doesn't have to have a plot (though it can!), doesn't have to always use properly-ordered sentences, and doesn't have to space metaphors out over time. You can tell there's a specific tone change between regular prose and poetry that allows certain people to write prose poems, just based on the intense voice of poetry.

We use imagery. We use comparisons (simile and metaphor). We evoke emotions more than we tell stories, though stories can be told, too, through emotions and other channels.

What might be useful to you is if you thought about everything that is not told in the piece you have as it is. What is missing? What didn't you write? Why? Did it seem too emotional? Too deep? It's probably what you'd want to slip into poetry if you chose to rewrite this.

Other than that, I want to point out some awkward phrasing.

a large amount of pain

an extreme amount of pain.

This is the sanitized language that people use to describe pain after it's over. They don't seem to be able to access the pain any longer, so they can't give an accurate description. But we depend on poets to describe things we can't. We depend on an intense, real, if not description then comparison that unlocks the description and volume of pain. Using these stilted phrases evokes nothing in your poem, and perhaps even takes us further from the idea of pain.

myself. it was expressionless, pale skin and little hint of embrace.

Is this the speaker referring to herself as an it? Also, what does "little hint of embrace" mean? What's funny is that this would actually be beautiful in poetry, I think, but with nothing else poetic to back it up, it leaves me thinking in the logical sense of the rest of the piece and makes me say, "hey that makes no sense". Should you rewrite, I would make an effort to keep this line.

Hope this was helpful to you, my friend! (: Let me know if you have questions, please.

Good luck and keep writing!

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Mon Feb 04, 2013 1:20 am
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there courtney, and welcome to YWS. I, Kyllorac, am a Knight of the Green Room, tasked with ensuring that no piece ever has less than two reviews, and so I come to you now with trusty Spade in hand, ready to review. I also happen to be one of the friendly neighborhood mods, so if you ever run into trouble or have questions about how things work, feel free to PM me or anyone with a colored name, and we'll be more than happy to help.

Now, before I get into the review, I'd just like to let you know that one of the best ways to get a ton of reviews is to review other members' works. The more people you review, the more people will want to review you. You can find some information on what reviewing is and how to review here and here.

With all that said, onto the review!

You have a pretty interesting story here, but I'm not so sure a poem is the best way to tell it. I'll be honest. With how this poem currently looks, it made me want to run away because you have a huge chunk of text with spelling and grammar errors, and it just doesn't look like something that would be easy to read.

Another reason why I think this would be better as a not-poem is that you really don't have much poetic language stuffs going on in this. Everything is quite literal, and if it weren't for the line breaks and indentation things going on, this would read like just a regular story. Poetry is a tricky thing to write, but one of the things about poetry is that it still feels like a poem even when you take away all the fancy line breaks and stuff.

This doesn't feel like a poem, and it would take a lot of work to make it into a poem, which I think is too much work since it would be so much easier to make this into a proper story.

But the main thing you need to do, whether you decide to keep this as a poem or make it into a story, is fix all your spelling mistakes. YWS has a built-in spelling checker when you go to submit things, so I strongly recommend that you go in and edit this and use that spelling checker. It will help make your writing easier to read for your readers and also make your writing appear more professional.

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