love exists

Ok, I have to say there were many mistakes in this particular story...but don't worry, my next installment in my own series will look worse. ^^; There were many spelling and word use issues in the story throughout (such as wrong "their", "there", and "their" usage) And even excited is spelled "exited". You definitely need to read over your writing before you publish.

Also, the story jumps around needlessly with no set manner of transition. I'm not one to criticize for cliche's because I do it too, but I'll just say that you should not repeat the "so-and-so years later" pattern, it just makes the story difficult to read when you do that.

I know this is a first draft, but even with first drafts, revision is essential to the process...I hope to see more and watch you improve! ^^

Hey there. I just wanted to say your outline was really good, a lot better then mine, keep yp the good work!!

yeh i liked the story cause it really related to everyday teens and their lives. If it was a longer story i think it would be really effective! Next time if you do a story like this try not to rush it too much... anyways gud work

I thought it was good.
Although it went way to quickly.
If you want to write a short story, come up with a topic that won't seem rushed even if it is really short.
I still thought it had a good plot.
It would be a fantastic novel.

firstly i think this story goes through things too quickly. it seems more like someone explaining something to someone else when they don't have much time if you know what i mean.

Maybe you could slow it down a bit, add some adjectives and dialogue.
it would be really good if it had more description of the surroundings.

behind the mountains the midnight blue waters float under the full moon.In front of the waters a wooden dock sits.


There a girl sits.About the age of 14,she is exited about the last day of school.

Tired,she [url]drug[/url] herself up the steps of her fathers [url]2[/url]story house to her bedroom.without pulling the covers down,she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow

At school they read and they wrote untill the final bell rung.
Then [url]her[/url] and Lilly went to the mall where she met up with cody and Aaron
After [url]awhile[/url] the 2 groups got seperated.Ella with Aaron and Lilly with Cody.
while walking in and out of stores,talking about each other and everything,when they got to the subject of relationships and friendships.Aaron said he liked her,more then a friend,and she admitted it back to hi.He asked her to be his girlfriend.She said yes.

Behind the mountains , the midnight blue waters float under the full moon.In front of the waters , a wooden dock sits.


There , a girl sits. About the age of 14,she is excited about the last day of school.The day when summer comes,no more homework no more early mornings,just time with friends.Her name...Ella.

I presume you're trying to construct a mysterious aura around your MC...and I'm sorry to say, it's not working. The secluded area, the eclipse at the end (which is supposed to only have three dots by the way) it's just too cliche. There are many ways you can make her seem different....Or else, I can be completely wrong! Anyways, just a thought.

Tired,she drug ??? I think you meant dragged herself up the steps of her fathers [b]2 [/b] 2 should be spelled out. two story house to her bedroom. W ithout pulling the covers down,she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow.

BRRRRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGGG { This is really cliche and sort of childish in a way. It's not exactly a problem but style wise, it looks pretty juvenile.} . The sound of her alarm clock {I think we understand that it was an alarm clock, no need to drag it out...This would sound more concise: "She awoke with a start at he sound of the alarm clock." Also, you're using passive voice here and that's a no-no. Make your MC do the actions rather than being acted upon. } made her wake up instantly and jump out of bed.After her shower she picked out her new jeans and a pink babydoll top with a green belt in the middle.


At school after her dad dropped her off, she met up with her best friend Lilly and [b]they walked to their homeroom class in the last day of 8th grade.Unfortunately, Lilly's assigned seat was at the other side of the room,while Ella had to sit by a [s][b]this[/b[/s]] kid [b] named Aaron[s], that was[/s] He arrived a couple months ago and is now really popular. Ella didn't and probobly never will be labeled as a popular kid but, she still had to sit be him.She did like him,but like a friend He liked her to but he wouldn't admit it in public.They only hung out once when Lilly dated his best friend Cody,and she didnt want to go alone so they each took their best friend on like a double date.



At school they read and they wrote {I don't like this. It's elusive and doesn't give the reader anything. Change it. untill the final bell rang.
Then her and Lilly went to the mall where she met up with Cody and Aaron
After-awhile the two/b] groups got seperated.Ella with Aaron and Lilly with Cody.

[b]While walking in and out of stores,talking about each other and everything,when they got to the subject of relationships and friendships.Aaron said he liked her,more then a friend,and she admitted it back to hi.He asked her to be his girlfriend.She said yes.

Ok, this is just...not very well thought out. I'm not trying to be mean but, your characters are like puppets with no opinions of feelings. Ella just seems to like Aaron because he's popular and I still have no idea why Aaron likes her. They randomly hang out in the mall after you specifically said they've only hung out once. There are a lot of plot holes and it sounds really incomplete. Since when do you just ask someone to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm guessing you're pretty young so I won't say anything but if there is no dialogue! Not one exchanged between your MC's!! A lot of telling, but no showing! They are lifeless in this piece


TWO WEEKS LATER

They got along perfectly.No kissing or hugging,just really close friendship.
They got their chance to go to the movie....alone....and they took it.
She rested her head on his shoulder,he played with her hair.They held hands for the first time walking out of the theater


Their first fight came one week and three days later.She told him he wasnt putting any effort into the relasionship,and he spoke his feelings.They came to an agreement and were fine.Even when they fought,they never broke up.The one thing that they had in common was that they loved each other

Wouldn't life be just wonderful if every couple just "came to an agreement"? detail, please? At this point, I feel nothing for Ella or Aaron.


NEW YEARS(one week later)

They sat together in his basement getting ready to watch the ball drop.When it did he whispered her name,she looked over at him,he grabbed her face and they kissed.

He said "I've {Since you're using first person, you can't say 'I' from his perspective. Or else there has to be quotations.} been wanting to do that but i wanted it to be special!"

The Bad News

Just before the last week of summer,Aaron had to confront Ella that he was moving...far away At least tell us where. She cried,He cried.They didnt want it to end,but it had to.Ella moved on busy with school and other stuff,but she never had one moment where she didnt think about Aaron.She had an empty hole that only he could fill.

I liked the last line, it was first ounce of emotion from Ella. You should've expanded on her pain and agony instead of just throwing in the one-liner


5 Years Later

No.She never forgot him even at 19.She had moved out of her dads house and into an apartment far away.She had just moved in and was settling in,when the door opened and to her surprise it was Aaron...All grown up.It was like a movie, picture perfect.That night they talked.They talked the whole night on her couch side by side,finally together again.He told her he loved her and he never stopped thinking about her,She told him the same.It turns out he was it the apartment just below hers.They would never have that empty hole.

Five years have passed by and they're still acting like they're little kids. No emotional growth. Where is the maturity? Where are those awkward moments?



6 more years later



They got married straight out of college and had {Watch the tense, you were using past tense, keep it that way.} a 6 month old boy.....and a 2 year old girl.Their names....Lilly and Cody,the ones who got them together[/b]behind the mountains the midnight blue waters float under the full moon.In front of the waters a wooden dock sits.

Whew! How do I say this without being harsh...Um, that wasn't exactly good. It sounded like an outline before you actually wrote the piece. Actually, it would be a really good outline. If you'd expanded it to say the least, it would've word. Split it up! you rushed through everything without dialogue. And with the numerous grammatical errors, it was boring at times. There was one dialogue in your whole piece. I don't think there's a way to fix this without starting over. Tell us about Ella, what kind of person she is, we need to relate to her in order to feel for her. So spend a chapter about her life, and then slowly she sees Aaron, not random meetings in the mall.

Please, please, please re-read your work before you submit. The grammatical errors were basic and wards off many reviewers because it shows that you don't really care.

That's all I have to say and I'm sorry if I was being harsh..let's just say I could've said worse things about this piece...but I didn't want to dishearten you. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter because it is a good story line. It's the execution that needs work...a lot of work.

I don't understand the whole mountain thing in the beginning, it doesn't play in to the story at all...just a thought.


PM me with and questions about my review. I'll be glad to read this again once you re-write it.

Cheers,

--starry.

Firstly, you need to have a space in between your period and your next word. You also need to use speech marks when people are talking and to make the line of speech separate from the main text. This helps with confusion.

This entire story moves very quickly, and one loses the thread of what is going on very early. You’ve not described anything to us. You’re merely telling us what happened, with the bare bones, no flesh or explanation. As readers we need to gain a picture of the events that are happening, this comes through description.

The use of so many “years later” is awfully cliché and in this merely brings about the impression that you didn’t know how to continue, or wanted to finish really quickly. Which is sad because I think you made an effort to play through the years. You also seem to have a system wherein nothing can go wrong. Or if it does the issue is solved immediately. This does not happen in real life. Try making some dialogue between the two main characters. Have them describe their worries and issues and fears.

I think you’ve put some effort into this, and that’s lovely to see. The problem is mainly in the lack of description. The description and dialogue will stop the story from moving too quickly and will allow for the establishment of a true character, one we can love and believe in. Have a look back over this and think on the description and dialogue. I think you can fix it up and make it into a well developed narrative.

PM me if you write anything more, I’d love to read it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.