The Overnight Bus is just something I did when I was bored.
The overnight bus was packed. I knew because my friend, Sophie had phoned me as she got on. “It's horrible, someone's smoking in the back and the won't give any of the old dears any peace!” she had gushed as they started moving. They were due to arrive anytime in the next half an hour. I was waiting inside the fish and chip shop, eating my cooling chips one by one. The night air had a sharp edge to it and I shivered. I pressed my jacket closer to my body hoping it would keep me warmer. Suddenly my mobile rang.
“Hello?” I asked answering it.
“Lucy, is that you?”
“Yes,” I replied. It was Sophie.
“Hi, um...” she lost signal and there was a burst of static.
“Sorry? You lost signal,” I said as it cleared.
“I said; we're going to be late.” Sophie practically yelled back. “Oh, I can't stand it! The drivers practically asleep, the old dears keep grumbling to each other and knitting. They keep stabbing me in the leg. And then the guys at the back won't give anyone any peace, they're drunk and are bullying all the young girls in the coach. Just a minute,” Sophie started yelling at someone at the back of the coach. “Aargh, I hope this doesn't last for much longer,” she sighed talking to me again. I said a few comforting things, then hung up. I went back into the chippy to warm up.
“Waiting for the overnight bus?” said a voice next to me. I jumped and looked up. “What? Oh, yes.” I said. “Me too. My mothers on it. Told her to come in the day. She wouldn't listen. That bus is the worst place for her. I wouldn't be surprised if someone got seriously hurt on it one of these days.” he said. “My name's Jack by the way,”
“Lucy. My friends on it. She's staying at my place while shes looking for somewhere where she can live.” I told him. Anything to pass the time.
An hour later, the bus still hadn't arrived. I looked out of the steamed up window of the chippy and tried to see the traffic. “I think the bus might be here!” I said excitedly. I walked outdoors, and waited on the pavement. Something was wrong. I could tell. The bus was coming to fast. It wasn't stopping, it was going to go straight past us. No, it was heading straight for us.
“Oh my god!” I screamed. “Get out the way!” I ducked to the side dragging my new friend to the side with me. At the last moment, the bus swerved to the side.
I could see the driver, a young guy with red hair, wrestling with wheel trying to get the bus back under control. I looked away for a moment, then looked back as I heard a crash. People were screaming. I feared the worst.
The bus had crashed straight into the next shop along. The windscreen was smashed to pieces, and though the driver seemed to be dazed he looked unhurt.
“Sophie!” I screamed. “Are you all right?” I ran forward, but someone grabbed me and held me back. “Don't!” Jack said. I looked at him then back at the bus. It was tilting alarmingly to side, towards us. I could see people moving inside the bus and that gave it all the excuse it needed to turn over onto its side. I screamed again. Could this nightmare get any worse?
I heard more glass smashing, and someone climbed out of a broken window. “Sophie!” I cried running forwards. Jack was hot on my heels. Someone had opened the emergency doors at the back of bus and more people were climbing out. I still couldn't see Sophie. The last person had come out now. I scanned the crowds. No Sophie. “Sophie!” I screamed this time. Tears were streaming down my face and was shivering. I ran to the bus, and climbed in through a broken window.
Everything was dark in here, newspapers and bottles thrown everywhere. I cut myself on some glass but didn't notice. I could hear someone moaning. “Sophie?” I asked cautiously. A head popped up. “Lucy?” someone asked. I ran forward and gave the figure a hug. “What happened? We were going really fast...” Sophie trailed of. “Come on, we've got to get out.” I told her, dragging her up. “I'm hurt,” she moaned. Knowing Sophie this could mean anything from a paper cut to a broken limb. “I don't care, just get out!” I cried. I pulled and pushed and then we were by the doors. I pushed Sophie out first and I slipped on magazine. I fell forward and banged my head on metal. Immediate pain clouded my thoughts and then I could see blood.
“Lucy!” someone called my name, but they sounded far away. I was cold, freezing, and my head hurt. Now I couldn't see anything. My vision was all red and black. I felt someone pulling me.
“It's too late, there's nothing we can do.” someone said. Everything went quiet for a while, then all I could hear was noise.
Noise, noise noise, nothing else but noise. I wanted to escape, anything to be rid of this never ending darkness, the pain, the cold.
Somebody was holding me, whispering to me. I couldn't understand what they were saying and now I couldn't feel them either. Slowly the noise drifted away to be filled by cold. Gradually even the pain floated away and then I was left with nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing... I was empty as if I wasn't anymore. Then I couldn't breath. I was gasping for air but it wouldn't come.
Then....
Nothing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
I have to say, wow. You know, most 12-year-olds can't write to save their lives.
Your first reviewer was very thorough. Very well done, this was entertaining!
Maybe a descriptive paragraph?
And when you have different people speaking, as in a conversation, you need to separate the dialogues of the different people, so that when each person speaks, what they say is on a new line. Random example:
WRONG:
Dipsy chased his friend round the table. "Tinky-Winky, you have to wear the tutu, we all had to have a turn!" Tinky-Winky ran faster, pausing only to build a barricade of chairs behind him. "Never!" he shouted. "I will not wear the tutu." Dipsy ran faster too. "Come back here now!"
RIGHT:
Dipsy chased Tinky-Winky around the table. "Tinky-Winky, you have to wear the tutu, we all had a turn!"
Tinky-Winky ran faster, pausing only to build a barricade of chairs behind him.
"Never!" he shouted. "I will not wear the tutu."
Dipsy ran faster too. "Come back here now!"
Sorry, that was a weird example. But you get my meaning. (Hopefully; I'm not very good at explaining things.)
Oh, and one more thing: when you say 'Then I couldn't breath' at the end, you should change 'breath' to 'breathe' (note the added 'e'). Breath being the noun and breathe being the verb and all that. Otherwise, when you read this, you'll say in your head something that sounds like 'Then I couldn't breth' rather than 'Then I couldn't breethe.'
Sorry, that was a weird review. Nothing on yours ... But oh well.
Once again, this was very good and I enjoyed it.
God bless,
Ignis
Yay! Thank you!
I liked this a lot! I think it's amazing that you can accomplish this at your age, though age virtually says nothing. The story line was very good. I found the descriptions just a bit lacking, not enough of them – for instance, I'm still not sure what Jack looks like. You just wrote voice. I have no description of the night or anything. You only said it's nighttime. So I'd recommend to work on that.
I liked the main character a lot, and Sophie too. These lines: “I'm hurt,” she moaned. Knowing Sophie this could mean anything from a paper cut to a broken limb. “I don't care, just get out!” I cried.
They made a very big impact on me. I absolutely loved them. I would love to read more of your work, pm me if you have anything. I thought this was great, and so my only criticism is descriptions. Wonderful.
Keep writing! Ofir
Hey, thanks! Will take a longer to the edits than I thought because I am doing my story Dark Tide at the same time.
#00FFFF ">Hey This is really good i like it alot and yeah i agree alot of people write better stories when they are bored including me sometimes i even write things on my phone, well any way I just wanted to let you know I love your story, your fellow writer for Jesus......
Horse
Nope you haven't been to harsh! Bring it on...
I'll set about fixing those problems, and once I've done I'll re-post it.
Thanx for reviewing!
Hey cosby =]
Welcome to YWS!
I love writing stories when I'm bored - that's when I end up making up the wildest characters =]
I did find a few mistakes;
There should be a comma after 'Sophie' and I'd change 'she' to 'she'd'
I'd split these two setences up by changing the comma to a full stop.
I don't really think that you need this sentence as you've already told the reader that Sophie had rung Lucy.
Maybe describe the fish and chip shop a bit. Is it busy? Does it smell of cooking fat? It'll help to set the scene a little.
I think there should be a comma after 'body'
'driver's'
Maybe try - 'the old dears keep grumbling to each other and stabbing me in the leg with their knitting needles.'
You already used 'yell' a couple of sentences back so maybe change it to 'shouting'
This sentence sort of seems a bit of a cop out. Maybe say something like - 'Sophie continued rambling but I assured her that it would all be ok before hanging up.'
Hang on. You never said that she'd left the chippy. I think maybe you missed something out here -
You need to follow the 'new line, new speaker' rule here. It should be set out like this;
-Maybe describe what Jack looks like too. Is he the same age as Lucy? Tall? Blue eyes?
'she's'
This seems a little choppy. Maybe try something like;
'I walked outdoors to wait on the pavement, but I could immediately tell that something was wrong.'
'to' should be 'too'
Comma after 'side' and you didn't mention that Jack had followed her outside. Maybe add that in somewhere.
'wrestling with the wheel, trying to get the bus back under control.'
Maybe add in something like 'immediately' or 'instantly' after 'I'
New line, new speaker.
'and' after 'him'
You're missing a word after 'to'
Maybe try describing some of the people - are they crying? Do they have cuts?
How does she know that for sure? Maybe say that no-one else seemed to be leaving the bus so she knew Sophie must still be inside.
'I' after 'and'
She must have noticed as she's telling the reader that she cut herself. Maybe change it to - 'I felt my leg scrape against some glass but I ignored it.' Or something =]
New line, new speaker.
Cold and freezing are describing the same thing.
Describe the noise. Is it high-pitched like screaming or like a constant buzzing sound?
'to be filled by more coldness'
You're misisng a word after 'wasn't'
Overall, this is quite a good story for something that you just came up with because you were bored.
In future though, just make sure to proof read your work as you missed out words in quite a few places. I want to see you describing more too - use all five senses to enable the reader to imagine themselves in your characters shoes
Other than that, it was an enjoyable read =]
I hope I haven't been too harsh - I just want to see you improve
I hope this review helps!
xDudettex