Dimension of Music
Imagining music
Sound moves through the soul
Lifting me skyward
Making me whole
Imagining music
The sound fills my ears
The soft vibrations thrill me
They are all I can hear
Imagining music
With passion, musicians sway
Their shadows cast on the floor
Their music knowing the way
Imaging music
Notes of joy, sorrow, hope
Echo in my ears
Replaying in my heart
Imagining music
In a reverie of sound
I sit with cello, resting
Now eager to play aloud
Imaging music
All of my own
Vibrations stirring
I am prepared to let go
Imaging music
The bite of rosin in the air
I bring my hand up
For music sweet and fair
Imagining music
This sound raises me up
I feel my heart pounding
I do not want to wake up
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Repetition, when used wisely and with subtlety, can tie a poem together and help rhythm in a great way, but the idea of using the same line for each stanza (considering how many short stanzas you have) makes it completely monotonous. That was the main problem with your poem.
The other main problem was your rhyming, I don't really feel it elevated the poem at all, and on top of that, you fell off the rhyme scheme in the fourth stanza.
Then in the fifth stanza, you used what I call a "semi rhyme". Sound and aloud, "sort of" rhyme, but not completely.
In the sixth stanza "own" and "go" down rhyme at all.
In the final stanza, you can't rhyme the same word together, it just doesn't work.
I'd kill using the same line at each stanza, diversify your imagery to make it less monotonous. And kill the rhymes to make it prose.
Hope this helps.
Nicely done!
Do reread your poem. The rhyming was off in places and it messed up the flow of things.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. Like Eimear said, this peice gave me inspiration to play an instrument.
Keep writing!
Becca
It seems in this piece like you've managed to scratch the surface, but to a very deep pond. Ahh, terrible imagery and metaphors on my own part so apologies. But I liked this anyhow. Of course, you tell a bit too much and the rhyming scheme is rather off putting but at the same time it is gentle. It sort of even tinkles like a musical instrument, hitting bum notes the odd time. This piece really spoke to me though because I've recently become interested in learning to play an instrument, and it gave me some inspiration.
I'd say it even earns a gold star- but pay attention to the other reviewer's comments on forced rhymes, inconsistent rhythm and basic description. With a closer review of this, you could really have something great.
Eimear xx
Good one.
I don't think that the repetition helps this at all, because I don't quite see how you're "imagining music". The poem treats the music as tangible, it seems to me something quite real and not in your head. So what are you imagining? Little dancing musical notes?
[spoiler]Imagining music
Sound moves through the soul
Lifting me skyward The difference between a good poem and a great poem is often in the details. Instead of fording onward with vague generalities of the power of music, go deeper.
Making me whole
Imagining music
The sound fills my ears As opposed to what? What else would it fill?
The soft vibrations thrill me
They are all I can hear Redundant.
Imagining music
With passion, musicians sway
Their shadows cast on the floor What do they have to do with anything?
Their music knowing the way
Imaging music
Notes of joy, sorrow, hope suspicion, danger, melancholy, fear, bravery, surprise, anger, relaxation and on and on. Why settle for just three?
Echo in my ears Redundant redundant
Replaying in my heart
Imagining music
In a reverie of sound
I sit with cello, resting You've made absolutely no reference to this beforehand. No allusion. Nothing.
Now eager to play aloud
Imaging music
All of my own
Vibrations stirring This is redundant to the earlier "vibrations thrill me
I am prepared to let go
Imaging music
The bite of rosin in the air Keep this one. A unique adjective will always be appreciated.
I bring my hand up
For music sweet and fair
Imagining music
This sound raises me up Redundant to "lifting me skyward"
I feel my heart pounding
I do not want to wake up
[/spoiler]
This wasn't altogether that impressive. Vague and passive language fails to convey the thrill of the music. Your character is introduced late in the poem. Little description. The good news? You're on the right path- practice will do it from here.
I loved this poem. It had a great feel to it - alive and passionate, with a very clear message and imaginitive rhymes. Your a great poet!! Keep writing, you will go places. If you want something to work on for your next poem, I would suggest... A bit more clarity? It wasn't that bad in this piece. In fact, it added to the idea... but I think it's a one-time deal, and in your next poem, try to be more clear next time. This was an amazing piece of work!!
Hey... you stole my idea of repeating the first line of the poem in every stanza. =P
Just kidding. It's really good. I can tell all your feelings that you feel with not just music in general, but the cello itself. The vibrations and passion felt through the instrument and the music it lets out. And guess what. I'm listening to "What I've Done" by Linkin Park right now. Random fact, but it's a good song with a great beat that a cello can hold. I loved your descriptions, I have nothing to say but I really like it.
I like your poem. It has a vibrant feel to it. The ending nailed it. It sound like you have passion for your instrument.