Chapter 1
Quinn
“Don’t be nervous, honey. Everything will be fine.” My mom said soothingly.
“I know, Mom. I’m not nervous. I just…I just don’t really know what to expect.” I turned around. “I mean, back at my last school, everything seemed awesome. Until classes actually started. What if this school is the same?”
“If anything happens, you tell me. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine. You should probably go, though. You don’t want to be late on your first day!” My mom wrapped me up in a big hug before I walked out the door. Our new house was close to the high school, so I had to walk. It was a really chilly day, and I couldn’t help but wonder what people would think of me. No one started in a new school in the middle of the winter. Everyone probably already had their groups, and I wouldn’t be welcomed into any of them. I would spend my lunches and free periods alone in the library reading just like the loser I was. Then again, maybe there would be other new people, and I would become friends with them. Maybe, just maybe everything would be different. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize that I had arrived at the school. It was a big brick building with lots of high windows. It looked okay on the outside, but was it that great inside? Hopefully. Trying my best to appear confident, I walked up to the front door. Taking a deep breath, I went inside. The first thing I noticed was the noise. I could hear little snippets of conversation; people talking about their Christmas vacation, about what they did and the presents they received, and some girls showing off their new hair and clothes. I pulled out my cell phone and looked at the time. Class didn’t start for another ten minutes. What was I supposed to do while waiting? I noticed a bathroom across the hall, and quickly walked over to it. Inside, girls were touching up their make-up, talking about their vacations, and the places they went to. One had gone to the Bahamas, and another to Europe. I had moved. I found an empty stall, and went inside. I leaned against the wall, and took deep breaths. Everything will be fine. Be nice to people. You will make friends. Everything will be fine. Suddenly, the bell rang. I got out of the stall when I was sure I was alone. Before leaving the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. With my long black hair, blue eyes and pale skin, I really was pretty. I sighed, and left for my first class.
My first class was English with Mr.Waterman. He was an older man with graying, brown hair and glasses that he seemed to be pushing up all the time. He didn’t introduce me to the class like I had expected, but welcomed me kindly. There was only one desk left in the class, and it was next to a girl with tumbling blond hair, and sleek black glasses.
“Hi! I’m Sarah!” She said as soon as I sat down.
“Hi, Sarah.” I forced a smile. “I’m Quinn.”
“Omigosh! I love that name! Quinn…I always wished that my parents had called be something more original that Sarah. I mean, Sarah is so common.” She was talking really quickly, barely taking any breaths between sentences. At least she was being nice. Annoying, but nice.
“Girls, quiet down.” Mr.Waterman was looking at them sternly.
“Sorry…” I muttered looking down.
“Anyway,” Mr.Waterman continued. “We will be starting where we left off before the holidays. So take out your copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.” He looked at me. “Quinn, you can share with Sarah until I can find you a copy.” I nodded, and turned to Sarah. She already had her book out and had set it up so that half was on her desk, and half was on mine. “Okay. I expect everyone read it over the holidays like I had asked.” No one answered. Mr.Waterman sighed.
“So, I guess we will spend this class reading. Start.”
“Okay, so were supposed to read up page seventy, and discuss today, but I don’t think Mr.Waterman understands that we have lives outside of school, and don’t want to spend our vacation doing schoolwork.” Sarah whispered. “I read up to page fifty, though.”
“I read this play before” I whispered back. “We finished it at my old school right before the holidays.”
“Oh…do you remember it? Do you have to read it again?”
“No, I don’t think so. I have a pretty good memory when it comes to books and stuff like that.” It was true. I could probably recite Romeo and Juliet easily, but I didn’t say that.
Mr.Waterman, having heard our conversation looked up from his laptop. “Quinn, if you’ve already read it, I suppose you have free time.”
“Okay…cool. Um, can I go to the bathroom?” Without answering, Mr.Waterman handed me a hall pass. I walked to the bathroom for the second time that day. It was quiet n the halls now, and I relaxed. Everything would be fine. Nobody here knew me, so they couldn’t judge me. I had already met one person, and she seemed nice. Everything was going great. Suddenly, I didn’t want to go to the bathroom anymore. Not that I really wanted to go in the first place. I hadn’t checked out my locker yet. I pulled my schedule out of my bag. I had quickly written my locker number and code at the top of the page. Locker number seventy five. It didn’t take me long to find it. It was at the end of the hallway I was in. It was the very last one of the row. I quickly set up my lock, and put my books inside the small space. I looked at my schedule again, I had History next. I found my history textbook that I had ordered online. The school had sent a list of supplies in the mail a few weeks ago, and we were required to buy both a history textbook, and a science textbook. Everything else was supplied at the school. I stuffed the book and my schedule in my bag,a nd checked the time. I still had half an hour before my next class. Mr.Waterman had said I had free time. Did that mean I could explore the school? I ran back to his classroom.
“Mr.Waterman?” He looked up at me. “Um, would it be okay if I, you know, walked around the school. You know, to get to know my surroundings better. I don’t want to get lost or anything.”
After a moments hesitation he smiled. “Sure, just don’t be late for your next class.” He scrawled a note on a post-it.
“I’ll keep the hall pass, but if a teacher stops you tell them I gave you permission.” He handed me the note.
“Thank you.” I took the note, and smiled.
Derek
I watched as the dark haired girl walked out of the classroom grinning. Mr.Waterman must be in a really good
mood, I thought. He never let anyone skip class. Maybe he was just happy because he enjoyed the holidays. Unlike me. I
was supposed to go to France, but at the last minute our flight got canceled, and all the other flights were booked.
Instead, I spent my vacation playing video games. I couldn’t even hang out with my friends because they were all doing something fun. I looked back down at my book. I had tried reading it over the holidays, but it was just so boring. Fortunately, I had read up to page sixty, so I only had ten more pages to read this period. The girl, I hadn’t heard her name, had already finished it at her old school, so she had free time now. Lucky. I looked back down at my book, and forced myself to get through the last ten pages.
“So…how was France, dude?” My friend Nathan asked as I set my tray down across from him.
“Great, wonderful, fantastic.” I replied. “Oh, and the greatest part? Yeah, I didn’t even go!”
“What do you mean?”
“The frickin’ flight got canceled, and all the other flights were booked, so…no France for me.” I finished lamely.
“Ewe, that sucks, man.” He said sympathetically.
“How was your vacation?” I smirked at him.
“Well, my aunt’s house may not be the coolest place to spend Christmas, but let me just say that she is an excellent cook.”
“At least you went somewhere. Did you get to ride her horses?”
“Yeah, I did. I fell off of the horse a few times, but it was fun.” He grinned. “So, how is school going for you so far?”
“Fantastic.” I said sarcastically. “Mr.Waterman made us read Romeo and Juliet. It took me an hour to read ten pages. Hey, there’s a new girl too. I don’t know her name, though.
“Is she pretty?” He asked.
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I didn’t really look at her. Mr.Waterman let her skip class because she had already read Romeo and Juliet.”
“Are you talking about me?” Startled, I looked up. She was standing there with her hand on her hip, and an amused expression on her face. “I’m not surprised considering everyone else is too.”
“I-well-I-um…sorry.” I stuttered. I hadn’t noticed until that moment how beautiful she was. Her long black hair was clipped back with a green barrette, and her bright blue eyes were looking right at me. Not at Nathan, but right at me. She barely seemed to notice Nathan at all.
“It’s fine.” She sighed. “Can I join you?”
“Oh! Yeah, sure.” She smiled gratefully, and sat down next to me.
“So…you’re new?”
“Yeah…I moved, so I had to change schools. If I had stayed at my old school, it would’ve taken me an hour to get there every day.”
“Well, you’ll love it here.” She looked skeptical. “Maybe?”
She chuckled. “I hope so.”
“I’m Derek, by the way, and this is my friend Nathan.” I gestured to him.
“Hey,” Nathan said.
“Hey,” She looked at him, seeming to notice him for the first time. “I’m Quinn”
“It’s nice to meet you, Quinn.” Quinn…
“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Startled, I turned around and saw a blond girl with glasses. Sarah
from English, as I called her. I didn’t particularly care for her too much, so I never talked to her. Were she and Quinn
friends? I had seen them talking in class earlier.
“Oh…hey.” They definitely weren’t friends judging by Quinn’s slightly annoyed expression.
“Making new friends? That’s good. Can I join you guys?” Without waiting for a response she sat down next to Nathan.
“Sure…” I muttered sarcastically. Quinn, having heard me, giggled.
“Hi, Nathan.” Sarah said brightly. “How are you today?”
“Good.” He said.
“So, um, what’s up, Sarah?” Quinn asked.
“Nothing, really. Just hanging out with you guys!” She grinned. “Now, don’t let me ruin your conversation. Just continue where you left off.”
“Well, we were just introducing ourselves.” I said.
“Oh, cool. Well, you all know my name. Sarah. An you’re Nathan, Derek, and Quinn.” She said pointing to everyone.
“Right?”
“Right.” We all said at the same time, annoyed.
“No need to be so grumpy.” Sarah said frowning.
“Sorry.” Quinn said quickly. I tried to disguise my laugh as a sneeze, and failed miserably which made me laugh more. After staring at me in confusion for a moment, Quinn joined in. Nathan and Sarah just stared at us.
I would appreciate it if you commented critiquing me. Please don't be too harsh though. I'm only 13. 
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
I liked it! Can't wait to read more!!!
XOXO Cassie~
Hey there coolperson! I'm Jash, and as promised, I went to check out your chapter. I won't have time though to check out the reviewers above. Here it goes:
#FF0080 ">NITPICKS|#BF0080 ">PAY ATTENTION|#00BF00 ">CHANGED|#0080FF ">REARRANGED
Here we see a usual dialogue tag mistake. When you're using tags, always put a comma instead of a period, and words should be uncapitalized (unless, of course, they are proper nouns).
But if you're not using tags, you go on with usual grammar rules. This is right:
This paragraph is huge:
*will post another one later*
To be continued...
I really liked it, I agree that it is very typical, but i'm sure that won't be forever. The only thing I don't get is why Quinn really doesn't like Sarah. All I got is that Sarah talks a lot, and tried to be friendly. Is that so bad? Please explain why. Other than that, I loved it. Keep writing!
Hello there.
This is a massive paragraph, my head hurts just looking at it. Break it up so it's easier to read. Also, comments are in bold.
No need to repeat you know, it's kind of weird.
Whoa, tray? They have tray's for English class? You skip from English to lunch. Please tell us that the class was over, or something.
These characters need more depth. I feel like I don't even know how Quinn is, and the first chapter is normally when you are able to get so many description at the same time. Sarah seems well develop, and I love how you've described her by showing how she is, not telling. Do the same with Quinn. Show us how she reacts to certain events, what she thinks about some stuff, and her personality with other people. I hope this is coming later, because if not, your characters are pretty flat. Another thing is the story isn't really creative to begin with. I hope you'll find some element to make this story your own, not something we've all read before. Get something more, an extra conflict, an unexpected event... Hope you understand my babbling right now.
Keep writing, and I'm looking forward to reading the second chapter! You can PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or just need more reviews.
-Other One
Thank you! I know it is not that original, but it was the first thing that inspired me. I read somewhere that when you're younger, you tend to write about things that you read a lot. Those little typos, I corrected them after I posted this. What I mean is, I noticed them. Thank you for taking the time to review this! I appreciate it, and I hope I do get better:) I'm going to high school next year, so I'll probably take a writing class or something...Good advice! Thanks again, Brittany.
Hi! Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm Lindsey. Haha, so let's begin with the review. I'll start with my nitpicks first.
Start a new paragraph after this sentence. It's very piled and cramped together which sounds unorganized.
Pay attention to what you need to italicize for thoughts. It can be hard to determine this since it is first person. An easy way to change this is to italicize what thoughts the character is thinking at the present time versus the thoughts and sentences that are in the past time.
Now you are switching to third person? Watch yourself with this so you don't confuse your reader.
Make sure to italicize books and plays.
Okay, so, your sentences are VERY choppy here. Try combining some of these sentences to make the story flow better.
Overall:
This story seems like the typical girl moves to new school, meets a boy, falls in love. Of course, it's only the first chapter and more events will unfold, but it's the first chapter and you want to draw your reader in. I am drawn in to this story, but it's lacking interest. Your characters seem a bit like cardboard to me. In other words, they do not stand out terribly. To make it better, try to show the characters instead of just telling us about them. In the story, you tell us what they look like instead of showing us. Show us why Derek was so upset about missing the France trip. Maybe it was the first family vacation in a long time for him and his family? Something like that. Also, you repeat the phrase, "Everything is fine" constantly throughout the story. Now, I don't know whether you did that on purpose, or not, but either way it's not a good idea. It sounds very repetitive. As for grammar, it's alright, not the best but not the worst. I would just really try to focus on improving your sentence variety. The story would flow a lot more nicely. Try looking at other peoples' works to see their style and sentence structure.
Otherwise, I found it a very nice story, especially for a 13 year old. It has a lot of potential, you just need to practice more with writing. And, don't worry, as you progress through your school years, you'll become exceptionally better. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens with the rest of the story! Keep me updated!
-Lindsey