z

Young Writers Society


12+

First part of my new project.

by cookiesandcream20011


There was once a world where angels and demons lived alongside humans for many, many years. They were happy. They lived in harmony. But the humans always looked up at the angels and down on the demons. This made the demons tormented with the idea that they were inferior and that they were being overruled and soon they would end up forgotten. Their leader Azanagin, who was the mother of all demons, decided that they could not take any more. She then decided to organise an uprising against the Angels. 

Michael, one of the seven archangels discovered Azanagin's evil plan and soon stepped into action. As he was the angel of war, it was his duty to protect his people and Michael would stop at nothing. He forged weapons. He raised an army. He moulded a plan around the idea that he had to save Earth and the humans from the danger that lay ahead. He was very knowledgeable and he knew what Azanagin was capable of.

Unfortunately for Michael, Azanagin was one step ahead. She was already prepared and she was ready. Michael decided that there was no time. So he sent some of his finest soldiers in search of a very special angel. Her name was Evangeline. She was a very powerful angel. Evangeline was mostly known as the 'bringer of good news'. She could foresee the future and this was valuable to Michael. He wanted proof that Azanagin was going to make a move. But he did not have to get Evangeline. Evangeline came bursting through the doors of his office. In which was located on a cloud. A beautiful white building with silver interior. Evangeline was out of breath and panicked. She had already seen what was going to happen. Michael soon made a move. He gathered his army and flew down to Earth.

Azanagin was already there. The demons were terrorising the humans. Spilling blood down the streets. The angels were soon in the middle. White feathers coated with the blood of their owners and the innocent covered the pavements of the streets. While the angels fought of the demons, Micheal, went in search of Azanagin who had put her tail between her legs and ran off. Because she realised her fate. The angels had captured all the demons.

Michael raced down the streets frantically searching for Azanagin. He found her. She was cornered. But Michael knew that this was a bad idea. As a wise man says, ' never corner your prey. As they soon become the predator and you the prey. ' Azanagin was having none of it. She tricked Michael in lunging at her and she slipped away. Michael soon caught up with her but he knew that it was too late. Azanagin had raced to a field. And that was for one specific reason. She needed space for what she was about to do. She was standing in the middle of the field. She mustered all the strength she had and she opened her mouth. And screamed. All the angels fell to the ground in pain. The ground shook. Michael, being overwhelmed by the pain slipped in and out of consciousness. But out of the blue, a bright light flooded the field. In a flash, the demons withered away to nothing and disappeared.

Michael, along with the other angels realised the damage. Thousands of lives had been took. And the majority of them were humans. Michael then made the decision that as the demons would soon make the fiery underworld their home, they would take to the skies.

150 years later...

In a town, not far from the centre cloud, a girl named Seraphina was having an argument with her mother. Seraphina was a typical teenager. Rebellious, moody and wanted to explore. But Seraphina's mother, Angelique was having none of it. " Seraphina Evangeline Ray!!! You are a young lady! Instead of exploring and getting your wings dirty, you should be looking for a husband." Angelique flounced around the room. Her blonde locks flowing down to her waist.

Seraphina's mother was a typical angel. She had beautiful blonde locks which usually flow down past her waist. She is quite tall. Angelic blue eyes and the typical angelic features. Whereas Seraphina took after her father. Sera had medium length copper hair. She was very tall for her age. And her eyes were brown and often accompanied with far off, dreamy look.

" Mother, what if I don't want to look for a husband. What if I actually want to live my life instead of being expected to act like the perfect wife that men expect you to be. I know I am a lady but not the lady you think I am. I am a lady who is strong and love is submission. I will never surrender. Father always told me I am a fighter and that I will be." Sera slumped down onto her bed. " Fine, whatever Seraphina but just remember. The fate of this family is in your hands." Angelique took one last look at her daughter and then walked away.

It was conversations like this that she did not like to have with her daughter. She was always reminded of the death of her husband. Who became a fallen angel. They said that he was dead but Angelique knew that he was not. He was out there. Somewhere...

Back in Seraphina's room, Sera was staring out of her window. There was not much to see. It was mostly just clouded. But it as not the clouds Sera was looking at, she was looking at what was beyond her little life. She wanted to explore. So, Sera decided that she was not going to sit around all day. She decided that she was going to take a break. Go and explore a little. So Sere walked to her closet and changed out of her white and silver, silk robe. She decided to go with the usual. White skater dress with silver accessories to match. And her favourite pair of shoes in which were a little worn down but Sera did not care. She was sick of living up to people's expectations. She grabbed her bag and slipped out her room.

It was easy for Sera to get out. Her house was huge and the maids were usually at the opposite side of the house anyways helping Sera's mother with her dilemma's. Sera quickly ran down the marble stairs and bolted to the exit. But then she heard a familiar voice behind her.

" Where do you think you are going? ". It was Sera's uncle, D'Angelo. Sera could never win an argument with her uncle so she decided to bluff. " Oh, I am going out to meet with Faida. We decided that we need to spend more time together and I am really bored in the house. " You see, Faida was Sera's best friend. They had been inseperable since they were kids. Sera knew that her uncle would fall for Faida. " Oh, of course. Well, I will let you go and have fun. And tell Faida that I am asking for her parents. " Her uncle then walked away into the endless hallways of her mansion. Sera then slipped outside.

It was a beautiful day outside. The bright light of the sun flooded the clouds. Blue sky was all around. Sera was happy to be outside. She was never one for being stuck inside. Her mother always knew since Sera was a baby, that she was born to fly. Her powerful wings propelled her at record breaking speed and her slim body cut through the sky like a razor. Sera braced herself, ran and leaped. Her wings shot her up into the sky like a rocket. Sera screamed with excitement. Sera then headed for her favourite place to go, the cloud library.

After about 10 minutes of flying, Sera had finally reached the library. It was a tall, regal building. Marble like all the other buildings with silver and gold decorations. Sera climbed the stairs and pushed open the heavy wooden doors and stepped inside.

The library was magnificent. Rows and rows of bookshelves filled the rooms. Some of the bookshelves reached the ceiling. But Sera was not here for the books, she was here for something else. She walked down a corridor with lots of rooms. Files. It was forbidden for a visitor to go in but Sera was not interested. She walked some more, turned a few corners and she was there. In front of her stood a room. It was locked. As usual. But Sera had the key. Sera walked over to the silver name plate which read, 'Observatory'. She then flicked the sign open, and in the sign there was a little silver key. Sera took the key. Locked the silver plate back in place and turned to face the lock. Sera sighed. The lock was a bit of a pain but with a little bit of twisting and tugging the door finally creaked open. Sera looked behind her to make sure nobody was watching and she then sneaked inside closing the door behind her. The observatory was a mess. It was brimming with books and notepads. Sera really had to clean the place up a bit. Sera dumped her bag down on an old wooden table. The observatory was quite large. It had a podium in the middle of the room in which the telescope stood. It was a huge brass contraption with quite a lot of complicated gears. It stretched up to the roof where a window was conveniantly placed. And around the room there was lots of bookshelves with journals and god knows what on them.

Not only did Sera enjoy exploring she also enjoyed astronomy. She believed that the stars held the key to unlocking her destiny. But that was not what Sera was here for. She was here for something else. Sera walked around the large podium, clambered over the piles of books until she reached a bookshelf at the far end of the room. She then, on the middle shelf shifted all the books to one side to reveal a hatch. And then with the flick of a switch opened up the hatch.

Sera coughed loudly as a cloud of disturbed dust rose into the air.

Thank you guys for reading it and part 2 is coming soon!!! 


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53 Reviews


Points: 73
Reviews: 53

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Fri Jul 28, 2017 5:28 pm
jamgalloway wrote a review...



First of all, I see you're new here so welcome! If you have any questions or just want to talk or whatever, just let me know. :)

Alright! Now for the review.

I think one of the biggest problems with this is the lack of variety in sentences; the majority of sentences here are short ones. When writing, you want a combination of short, long, medium, all kinds of them to have a variety. It also makes it flow together smoother like that. With mostly short sentences like right now, it's not as smooth-sounding and it pretty abrupt a lot of the time.

Another thing I want to address is your writing style. This reads like a bedtime story someone would tell their kids, and that's not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but I don't feel like it's working here. This style is something I've seen people use in the past, but as a whole we've pretty much moved past it at this point. The only way I see it working is *maybe* if this was a short story, but I don't think it is. So, I think you should work on that. Go to first person if you have to, or stay in third but change the style. The majority of things we know about Sera is because you just straight up told us. There was too much telling, and not enough showing.

Also, and this just my opinion, but I think the beginning with the angels/archangels/demons would work well within the actual story with Sera. Like, let's say you just start the story with Sera, and somewhere down the line someone tells the story to her, she learns it some other way(like through a book or something), or she recounts it in her head, having already known about it. Personally, I think it'd work very well as someone telling it to her if she doesn't know about it, or her recounting it if she does. That way it's brought up when it's necessary instead of just extra information we know right at the start of the book. I'm hoping it'll be relevant to the course of the story as well, otherwise it's kind of unnecessary.

If you need any help, just want to talk, want me to edit or review something, go into more depth or show examples on something I said, or whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Right now this feels kind of cliche and needs some work, but there's no reason it can't be made into something much better. Hope I didn't come across too harsh and this helped. Good luck!




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Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:04 pm
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Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a review!

You have a nice concept here, with angels and devils with the angels having that fear of the demons taking over the world. I've seen a lot of stories dealing with that sort of thing but I think this story might be different (if you make it your own story, that is). Anyway, onto the review. When I was reading through this small piece, I noticed how this chapter seemed to be an info dump on what was going to happen. Which is fine, in most cases. However, in the beginning paragraph, it seems to be very monotonous because of how many cut off sentences you have. For example:

There was once a world where angels and demons lived alongside humans for many, many years. They were happy. They lived in harmony.


For this, you can easily change the wording and have it in a better format; of course, you could keep it like that but it seems to sound better when you combine the two sentences. One way you could do this is by simply placing the 'they were happy' and 'they lived in harmony' somewhere in the previous sentence. For example:

There was once a world where angels and demons happily lived alongside humans for many years (or) There was once a world where angels and demons lived in harmony alongside the humans.


It depends on which one sounds better to you (but personally, I like the last one).

This made the demons tormented with the idea that they were inferior and that they were being overruled and soon they would end up forgotten.


This almost feels like a run on sentence. I think for this you should just focus on what the demons are feeling and how they are going to try and "stop" it. For example, you could even combine some of the ideas together to just have one big thought; like a listing of some sort.
In some parts of this chapter, there is very little description. It might be best to have that inside of this to give the reader some clear image about what is happening. Like, you could describe Azanagin something completely different and that could change the reader's thinking as to what she might look like (if that makes sense).

She then decided to organise an uprising against the Angels.


Angels shouldn't be capitalized because it isn't a plural noun and you don't capitalize it again anywhere in the story.

Her name was Evangeline. She was a very powerful angel. Evangeline was mostly known as the 'bringer of good news'.


Most of what is happening here seems to be a lot of info, for example, this part: Evangeline was mostly known as the 'bringer of good news'. ; while that does seem like some info we could possibly have, it doesn't seem important to the story or anything that could happen. Another thing I want to focus on is again the cut off sentences. Like I said before, try imagining the sentence in your head and if you want to cut it off but continue it from there, use a comma. For example, you could easily combine her name was Evangeline and she was a very powerful angel. into one big sentence. Like this: Her name was Evangeline, a powerful angel. It is more compacted but still makes sense.

But he did not have to get Evangeline. Evangeline came bursting through the doors of his office. In which was located on a cloud.


Again with the cut off sentences xP; in this case, you could get rid of the period and replace it with a comma, right at the end of office and the beginning of in.

A beautiful white building with silver interior.


When it comes to describing buildings or anything of the sort, it is probably best to keep it with the main idea. Like you were to describe a dog as friendly or mean, you could say "the dog was friendly". The same idea can go here by saying Michael's office was on a cloud. It was very beautiful white building with silver interior (also you could even go into more detail with saying what the other angels were doing or if there were stairs and such. Little details like that can create a lovely painting inside of the reader's mind ;) )

While the angels fought of the demons, Micheal, went in search of Azanagin who had put her tail between her legs and ran off. Because she realised her fate. The angels had captured all the demons.


What Azanagin does, doesn't seem like something she would do. I think you should describe Azanagin more, like tell us how she is because I can tell you, I was thinking was some evil lady who killed demons that didn't listen to her. Also don't forget about the cut offs.

The fighting scene between them could use some work but for now, just describe some of the key parts of the scene and give it lots of description. If you do just that, then you can have a lovely battle because the reader doesn't know what is going on inside of your mind. You know what's going on inside of your mind so it is best to just describe what you see inside your mind on the paper.

Now we're going into the present, I'm assuming. Since the last bit was in the past, be sure that you change timelines because you don't want to see present in the past or the past in the present; it'll just be all confusing to the reader. Also, I'm wondering what the past will do with the now.

Seraphina was a typical teenager. Rebellious, moody and wanted to explore. But Seraphina's mother, Angelique was having none of it.


Okay so good description of Sera, however, I would put the rebellious bit in dashes. Now, dashes act like road blocks to get the important info away from the non-important info. For example, you could say something about a TV show and how it is either a bad show or a good show. Another thing to keep in mind is dashes and hyphens are completely different. Hyphens are the wooden sticks that hold something like co-writer or non-existent. Anyway, back to dashes. I think in this case you should use two dashes; kind of like this:

Seraphina was a typical teenage—rebellious, moody, and wanted to explore—but her mother, Angelique was not having it.


With dashes, that sentence seems to flow better (I also combine the two sentences together because it makes sense that way. ^^)

" Seraphina Evangeline Ray!!! You are a young lady! Instead of exploring and getting your wings dirty, you should be looking for a husband."


When writing dialogue, it is important to write it in a new paragraph. This site can help you understand a greater depth of dialogue. Also, the mother doesn't seem to have that much emotion (besides the exclamation marks but I'll get back to that). The voice inside your head where you can imagine the character's voice. Now saying that, this goes back to description of a character. You want to give the character a voice so it matches what is going on inside of your head so that when the reader is reading it, they will understand what you are saying.
Now onto the exclamation marks. I wouldn't overdo it with them because it can be overcrowded and messy with it. Just limit it down to one because that can get the message across to show how angry her mother is.

It was conversations like this that she did not like to have with her daughter. She was always reminded of the death of her husband. Who became a fallen angel. They said that he was dead but Angelique knew that he was not. He was out there.


The mystery of this seems to make me wonder who Sera's father is and I think I have a pretty good idea of who it might be but I'm gonna wait until later. Also, much like some other sentences in this chapter, be careful with cut offs.
I want to know more about the mansion and what it looks like. I'm getting some big castle like thing in the middle of the clouded region with completely white walls and some guard foundation surrounding it. However, that could be totally wrong but it is something. Focus on what you see inside of your mind for the mansion and explain it so the reader can understand it.

The biggest paragraph of this chapter looks like it should be cut down to something shorter. From what I am seeing, most of the sentences inside of the big paragraph is just cut off sentences. It makes it sound kind of monotone, however, you can change this by putting sentences together. Also a tip: try re-reading your work before publishing it. I think if you do this, you can see some mistakes you make that are keen to your eyes. Even after someone gives you a review, you can still find some errors in your writing. Anyway, the scene where she finds the observatory seems to go on forever. I would highly suggest just cutting it down to just the important details like what it looked like or something.
The ending to this chapter comes quite abruptly. I think you should go a little farther with the ending as in terms of what she might find there; it could help you figure out what to do with the next chapter of this.

Overall, this chapter could use some fine toning up but that isn't a bad thing. Chapters for novels aren't always going to be perfect and they could always use work. It how authors learn to make themselves better. One thing I would watch out for is run ons/cut offs. Remember: if one part of the sentence can go with another, it is probably best to leave it together, kind of like a happy married couple. You don't want to break them apart if they are happy together. And I did enjoy this chapter. I think it has a nice idea going on but kind of a cliche teenager wanting to break free from their mother's grip and only comes across danger or something.

Anyway, if you have any questions/comments/concerns, let me know and I'll be happy to answer them!

Dino





Is anyone else desperately waiting to see themselves in the quote gen?
— TheCursedCat