Running home with wet sneakers from the lake
chased by a boy who grew up all too fast.
The summer heat settles thick in the air.
You know tomorrow will be a day for last good-byes
as childhood friends set out for the rest of their lives.
But for the moment you gasp at the muggy air.
Knowing you’re not really running from anything
because children don’t run anywhere, just around,
and you promised not to be a woman 'til tomorrow
comments/suggestions?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I really, really love the message in this! Really, it's amazing!
A couple suggestions:
Take out the "you" everywhere and make it "I". Poetry is a very personal thing, it's okay to make it about yourself
I'd take "just around" out at the end of line 8, it's just kind of random and really doesn't say anything astonishing. You also need a period at the end of line 9 :] The last stanza is, in itself, the least stable of the three. I love line 9, but 7 and 8 don't work up to it really.
But in all seriously, I loved this! Bravo!
Running home with wet sneakers from the lake
)
chased by a boy who grew up all too fast.
The summer heat settles thick in the air. - Suspenseful much?
You know tomorrow will be a day for last good-byes
as childhood friends set out for the rest of their lives.
But for the moment you gasp at the muggy air. - AH! REPETITION! YAY!
Knowing you’re not really running from anything
because children don’t run anywhere, just around,
and you promised not to be a woman 'til tomorrow
NOOO. To short. And nothing to critique because it was all good. MEH. Everything was so descriptive, and so poetic (as it should be. its a poem). I loved it!! KEEP WRITING!!
Its too short, but what you have here is good.
It was different to say the least. Someone mentioned before that it was "Peter-Pan-esque" and thats what i gathered from it too. Not a bad thing at all, more poetry should be this innocent! I guess what i'm trying to say is that the idea behind it was great but it could have been written a tad better. I enjoyed it though. Good work.
The first stanza was great, well-paced, but the rest was not as strong and it seemed to fade as it went along. Good stuff, though.
I like this poem alot, the first and last stanzas really explained what the poem is about. I really enjoyed this, two thumbs up!!!
Wow...I love your writing style...that's all I can say. You do a really great job. :Two thumbs up:
I could really excited by the first stanza which I thought was pretty interesting and quick, but I dunno the poem felt like there could be more too it and developed. Nice topic though, Peter-Pan-esque. Ah only to be a child again.