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142,240 Literary Works • 677,070 Reviews
Hiya gummiebaerrs,
Firstly, I think this is a good poem, with lots of nice ideas.
However, I have a few things I would change, but these are all just my opinion and it could be that nobody agrees with me.
You start the first three stanza's with a similar line. I think, given that they mean the same thing, have them all the exact same words. But thats just my view.
Apart from that, I think any changes I would make wouldn't improve the poem.
Great job.
keep writing!
Hola gummiebaers!
I really like what you're saying here! I think it's super cute and you have a good idea of images and what you want to include in the way of intent and meaning. I do think that the repetition in the first stanzas are working against you here. This repetition gives focus on the less interesting aspects of your poem. I do think that the ending is a little bit too preachy for the poem, you're not giving us enough context or imagery to detract from how abrupt and straight forward the ending of your poem is.
The ending is your key, that is the intent and the meaning for your poem. We aren't getting enough subtlety in the ending though, too much too quickly and far too bluntly. After the quirky and interesting beginning we miss that, we just want a little more from you here. Give us a little more interest. I think you might not even need most of that ending, trust that we understand your beginning clearly.
Thanks so much for writing this! I hope to see more from you. If you have any questions, queries or thoughts, please hit me up.
~ Pen
Hi, Gummie.
I once had a hat that I wore to school every[ ]day.
Lol. I am not going to be harsh with you. I'm going to give you some suggestions. In my opinion, the poem is really cute<3 If I were your grandma, I'd love it. But I felt like it lacked some words and some switches for it to flow better and have more rhythm. You take and leave what you find more adequate, for I know this poem is very personal, and I don't know you or your grandmother well.
Spoiler
It was some shade of blue, [showing off on my head].
It had some kind of wintry design.
But that [isn't] important, [
maybe? it never was].I used to have a hat that I wore to school every[ ]day.
It kept me feeling warm, [secure, and safe].
It kept me “wrapped up” and comforted.
But that’s only relatively important.
I had a hat, once, that I wore to school every[ ]day.
But somewhere along the [road],
I stopped and left it [on the way],
Bringing only the memories along with me—that’s the part to focus on.
You leave behind the small, irrelevant,
Insignificant things;
You never forget the big picture,
The important things.
You leave behind the hats
To take up
The jackets, the coats, the pants.
But you never forget the important things [in life].
The memories are kept safe;
Those that have been your growth
Are never left.
The most important ones we must not forget.
I hope this helped you more than it annoyed you. xD
~Sol