Young Writers Society

I will publish the updated one soon

p.s Midnightmoon

Will copy and paste some of the grammar fixes from your review,

Thanks

It seems like you've just joined today, probably because you found a place to publish your story to the world. I'm pretty much the same. It's nice to meet you, and I hope you'll grow into an amazing writer.

Anyways, for the review. To start off with, and sorry if I'm a bit harsh, but your story is a complete mess. I'm not one who can easily notice grammar errors, but Midnightmoon had written how some ways on how to fix it. There are a couple of things I want to point out though.

Tom says that he has a boring life, and to prove it, he lists his entire school schedule. First off, Thursday only had three subjects while Friday has 5, two of which are history. Second, if you're trying to explain how something is boring, there are a couple of better ways of doing it than listing a time table. For something simple, just say how every day seems to be the same since the time table provided apparently is trying to say every day was nearly the same.

I can understand most of the story until the "Picasso of Comic Books." Is your character a comic artist? It isn't fully explained to the reader, and they're left to make the assumption based on "Go off and Retire Batman".

You also tend to hype up what's eventually going to happen, which creates an expectation of the reader that doesn't fully realise. I would be lying if I said that a Chinese man in a Martian-like dragon suit was "so horrible, so terrible, so alien" that it creates an earthquake. It's not that strange where I live. I should probably move somewhere else, but let's not talk about that now. You don't have to use elaborate on how weird something, some words do that for you. I'd recommend using a dictionary or a thesaurus if you use an entire sentence to explain something a single word could.

Now, I'm not going to say that calling the man Chinese is racist, but you should probably note that most Chinese people aren't Scottish.

Starting a sentence with "Then" usually isn't a good idea. It's meant to combine two statements.

The last sentence could probably be summed up with the word "worried". Using "Jaw had just dropped off" is more for something shocking. In fact, it's a better way to describe the Chinese man in the Martian-Dragon suit.

Those were some ways you could improve your writing. I can only assume you're young and inexperienced, so don't feel too discouraged at any criticism. The idea you've come up with, while a bit cliched, is somewhat interesting. As long as you improve your writing ability, you could make something great that people would seriously enjoy. I hope you don't give up like many others and write something amazing. I'm sorry if my review has been harsh towards you.

Hi there! Midnight here for a review. So, I'll jump right into this, as I noticed a lot that could be fixed, though overall it's a pretty neat story. It's just how you put it together that makes it really awkward to read and I'm a bit of a grammar freak. . I'm going to break it down line by line, mostly. So, first line;
"It was quite boring,until this.It was Friday, Everyone loves Friday's but not me."
This is all squished together, and that makes it hard to read. First off, there needs to be a space between the comma and the word 'until' and there also needs to be a space between the period and the word 'Friday,' and there should be a period after it as well. "Everyone" doesn't need to be capitalized and "Friday's" should be "Fridays." There should also be a comma after the word. So, with all those corrections, It would be like this;
"It was quite boring, until this. It was Friday. Everyone loves Fridays, but not me."
When it's written like that, it's much easier to read and it's much clearer too. Okay, Second line;
"It was all like "Yay, it's the weekend, Lets all go to the Cinema." I'm just going to rewrite this line, to give you an idea on how it should look.
"Everyone was all like "Yay, it's the weekend, let's all go to the cinema." just change a few of the words. (Love the way you said that by the way, the tone is awesome.)
Third line; "Annoying" doesn't need to be capitalized, neither does "Like" and "te" is supposed to be "the."

Next line; "Headlines" and "Say" don't need to be capitalized.

" Imagine me Tom Price Become Rich." This needs to be changed to; "Imagine me, Tom Price becoming rich."

Next line; "So" and "Still" don't need to be capitalized.

"But the truth is that Today was different, Today would be superb." Change that to this;
"But today was going to be different. Today would be superb."
"School" doesn't need to be capitalized.
"sad" is supposed to be "said."

So, sorry for the harsh review, interesting story line, and welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here.