I am a con artist. I help people that the government won’t help. But I screwed up. Now I’m sitting here being integrated by a person I used to know. She is not the first person I want to see put… still at least we were friends... once.
I sat there while the integrator look at my profile, which in my case took a long time. I stolen about 20 cars by the time I was 15. And I started the con game at 19 went to serve at 20 for 5 years then I started to help people that need the help put couldn’t get from the government or other places.
“Andrew what have you done with your life?” the integrator said “helped.” I answered. ”Help who?” integrator asked, “People the government won't help” I replied. “Like who?” she asked. “Jake Wilson who got fired for trying to make sure his company din't fall to the ground.” I retorted.
“Jake was fired for counterfeiting money.” integrator said, “you know his colleague and boss did It Anna” I replied “and your proof?” Anna retorted, “He was fired for it two day before it happen.” I answered, “they found counterfeit in his office that day that was enough of a reason to have him fired and arrested ” Anna said "that his colleague put there.” I reapplied “there no proof of that.” she retorted.
“Not proof that you have anyway” I told her “any thing you want to tell me?” she asked “not yet” I answered she turned off the recorder and look a me and said they can not here me.” Gesturing her head toward the back mirror “my going to drop the keys on the floors you know what to do” she drops the keys and got up to leave. She opens the door and looked back and said, “Hope to see you again”
Right at that moment questions like way did Anna help me and why did she rick her job for me started to pop in my head put I know that the job came first. So I stretch my foot ever so slightly to the key and put my foot on the key and drag it back and waited for a few hours and then I got up and leaned down and got the key by then two other people had ben in there. So it was safe by then I had a guy who was going to keep Anna safe. I walked to the door and opened it I found there was only one guard. I hit a pressure point on the guard neck that made the guard faint nobody else was there which made a lot of sense because it was the middle of the night. I left and went in to hiding.
***
It’s been two weeks since I escaped police and went into hiding the police are still after me put they don't know were.I’m thing of leaving the state for a few month but not before I speak to Anna. She has been on my mine for a while I’ve been wondering why she let me get away. There most be a good reason. But what could it be? if she was caught she could have been arrested and fired. I spend most of my time trying to find a way to contact her. Other than that i have to find a way out of the state. Right then I hear a knock on the door. I grab my pistol and walk over to the door and look through the peephole. When I saw the person on the other side i didn’t believe it, Anna was standing there taping her foot. I open the door, "what are you doing here?" I ask, "to ask you few questions if you don't mind" she replied "and if i do mind?" I ask "you owe me I got you out of that integration” I didn't ask for your help" I told her she rolled her and sighed "your very arrogant you know that?" I look at her and ask, "Are you going to stand there insult me all day or are going to come in?" I step out of the way and gesture for her to come in. she walks in and I close the door. She then stand and look around she then look at me and ask me "so why were you at that bank that just coincidentally got robbed?" "not robbed just donated" I replied "donated my ass were the money Andrew?" "ok donated may not be the best word I think given back would be a better term" i replied. anna gave him a stone cold glare and ask "given back to who?" "jake wilson" I simply replied "jake Willson owed that money to the bank" anna said "they scammed him and you know it" "well scamming someone isn't against the law in their case" she said. i look her straight in the eye and i saw no remorse no sadness of any kind at that point i was pissed off so I said "i feel pity for you this is what the FBI did to you made you a emotionless puppet" the look of rage she gave me i will never forget but I do not regret saying that and with that she left slaming the door.I turn and head to my room, once i got there i went into the coset and graped a backpack and jump out the window.
***
As I land on the ground with a loud thud, after regaining my balance I start taking a back road to get to an old underground train station. There is only one thing on my mind and that was getting out of state maybe even out of the country. It doesn't take long for me to get lost in thought, and the first thing that came floating to the top of my mind was of my first con. When i was about 19ish i got a free car by tricking a man saying i won it it took about a week to get everything together i made a fake letter addressed to myself saying i won a car and where to redeem it and everything the car seller was not convinced until he got to the back to check everything and was dump enough to call the number on the letter which was redirected to a phone of a friend of my who said he was a higher person in the company and somehow the car seller was stupid enough to believe it. Now that i think about it because it was just a bug in his side for some old car, so at the end of the day i got a new car and everything seemed alright until a cop came to my house saying the car was reported stolen and i got an fine but nothing more than that the company didn't press charges after that as long as i didn't tell or do anything like that again, i agreed and made sure i was a little more careful in my next con after a few more tries i finally got away with my first con, what was that con... as i went around a corner and right there a couple of cops probably just patrolling around making sure nothing was happening that shouldn't have been my first and only thought was to take them out. i slugged the first guy and while the other guy was startled and couldn't move, i moved in and struck him between the collarbone and the neck and he almost instantly crumbled to the grow but not before letting out a moan as he hit the ground I went running to the train station and write before I got to the train station I saw someone I thought I would never see them again
...Jake Wilson
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Heya, Geek! Casanova here with a quick review for you!
Anyway, I noticed one thing in your portfolio and decided that I'd get a crack at it. To the review!
Anyway, the first thing that I noticed is that you need to scan through this for spelling mistakes as reviewers from below. Scan through slowly and try to find them, they're in a few spots and I'm sure you won't miss all of them. Anyway, onward.
The next thing I have to say about this one is that the paragraphs are really long. I would suggest breaking them. Paragraph breaking is when you break a paragraph based on different thoughts, different ideas, and/or when you have the usage of dialogue. And you have a ton of dialogue that starts after the paragraph is started, like in the middle of the paragraph. I would suggest breaking it there so it's not as bad, and making a new paragraph from the dialogue itself. As well as remember to break the dialogue whenever another character is speaking. Not only will it help it be neater, but it makes it so your story isn't as hard on the eyes. Big blocks of text like the one I'm writing now can hurt the eyes, so I would suggest watching out for that.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
nitpicks
Spoiler
but
but
did it Anna.
why
I'm going to drop my keys on the floor, you know what to do.
Maybe instead of that, you can use ********** or some other thing as a transition point, this story is too short and the transition is too big for you to really have much use for a chapter two.
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Plot wise I see the story of a guy(?), who went out of her way to help people she saw as innocent, was caught for it, escaped because of a old connection, and then it just gets confusing. Not because of the writing, but because there is just so little, a general hint at what was happening, and then it ended. Which is a shame. The story of a con artist working to con money and work back to the people who lost their money or job would make for some good reading. Also with a little study you could even go into detail on how the con artist in question gets people back their stuff. Further, in order to fill up the chapter more, since you seemed to mention struggling with that, why not offer a paragraph or two describing the attempted con and the protagonist getting caught?
thanks for reviewing the story i had in my i kind of killed it the main character is a male it based some what on a show called leverage
Hey! I enjoyed chatting with you so I thought I'd review your story.
I really like the concept and how it opens with the con-artist being interrogated! One thing that you should be careful of is the tense of your writing, what I mean is you should try to stay in one tense. For example take these sentences here:
I spend most of my time trying to find a way to contact her. Other than that i have to find a way out of the state. Right then I hear a knock on the door.
You are in past tense and then you make a very abrupt transition to present tense. A way you could do this more smoothly is by taking more time to introduce the new setting.
Like this:
I spend most of my time trying to find a way to contact her. I stay in dingy hotel rooms most of the time, the kind that smell of mildew and have little to no staff. Today's has to be the worst so far, the curtains are ripped and the paint is faded and chipped, the sheets smell like they haven't been changed in weeks. I was lying on the bed when I heard a knock at the door.
I hope you found this review helpful and if not please don't hate me. You should definitely write more! I look forward to your next update!
Oswin
thank you for reviewing i rarely get reviewed any more i will fix those mistakes right now
Hey, glade! Nice username, glader.
There's just a few things I'd like to point out.
Now I’m sitting here being integrated by a person I use to know.
By a person I used to know.
still at least they were friends once.
Since your character is narrating, I think it should say we instead of they. Unless your character is talking about someone else, of course.
“People the government wont help”
Won't.
As EternalRain suggested, you should reformat your dialogue. Otherwise, it was pretty well written. There were some errors, but I'm not pointing them out because I think that's just the way your characters talk.
You've got a good story coming along. The first chapter was short, a bit like a prologue, but it has opened the way for an exciting story of what happens when your character goes into hiding. Good work.
glade is based on a book call maze runner. thank you i did not realized that i said they thank you for reviewing my starting of my book i'm working on chapter 2
ohh... and you commented you forgot to switch to review mode
Hey! Happy Review Day!
Let's get this review on.
The first thing I noticed was your dialogue. It could be better, formatting wise and with punctuation/proper grammar. However, it does have a realistic feel to it, so we're not going to bother with that. Just be sure when you're writing and have dialogue, you put some sort of punctuation AFTER the words and BEFORE the last quotation.
Ex.
"Hi," Bob said.
"What's up?" Bill asked, high fiving Bob.
See that? And also - the formating, you should have it like this, where you indent for every new dialogue phrase.
Hopefully that clears up dialogue.
Now, on to your plot. I didn't quite get it. Like, what is this story actually about? That's the real question, but I don't know. By the first chapter of a novel, you should make it clear to your reader what the novel you're writing is actually about.
Lastly, the chapter did seen a bit rushed. Ways you can fix this are using commas. It's amazing how much a comma does something to make the story feel less rushed and fast paced. Another way is to just slow down everything. Every sentence should be very related and not saying (for example): I went to the store. I picked up some groceries, then left.
It just makes it sound so brief and uneventful, but most of all unneccasary.
This is a great start to your story, though! If you just clear up a few things, I'm sure this will be awesome. Keep writing and reviewing,
~ EternalRain
thank you for reviewing i was trying to make the first chapter a little longer. i'm hoping chapter two makes up for that and about the plot i don't what it is.
You're welcome
It's okay - the length doesn't really matter, it's more about the quality! ^_^
Hey Insane geek really nice book But you have spelling issues in it spread across the chapter so look into that but other wise great job