hold your fire, heavens

(I'm a fan)


I really enjoyed this! I like the vivid images you use here. They do wonders at bringing this poem to life.

In the second line, you have my eyes "are" lost, and does that work? Because you're not exactly speaking present-perfect, I think "get" would better replace "Are".


The wrapping paper metaphor is weak. You need to strengthen it with an adjective, perhaps discarded paper, crumbled, ruined, -- I don't know. You need to back it up, dearie, because it's not as strong as it could/should be.

Aside, I really, really, really enjoyed this. You should definitely write more; I'm curious to see what else you can write.

June

Hello!

*blinks.*

Dear gods! This is lovely! You know, I really like tonight, because your poem is the third in a row that I haven't had any corrective suggestions on; it's also probably one of my favorite that I've read. Ever.

hold your fire, heavens;
the skies are all at war and we're here
throwing out our dreams like wrapping paper.

Hey there!

Gosh, this is lovely. The imagery used and the way it's all written is really beautiful. I've reviewed A LOT of poetry in the last few days, but yours is standing out to me right now.

Favourite lines have to be:

our divorced world, muted only by the decadent spill
of pixie-dust explosions and gunfire.

galaxies diminuendo and fade away
leaving alone the thumb-tacked wishes of desperate soul

First welcome to the forums. Next I would like to express how intriguing this poem is. This was my favorite part.

hold your fire, heavens;
the skies are all at war and we're here
throwing out our dreams like wrapping paper.
crystal fragments smash and mix with
ebony-empty blood
hanging soundless on a
canvas
over salted, raining eyes.

I loved this poem, you did a bang up job on it. I find it funny, some of the best poetry I've read lately has had no capitalization, and has little or no punctuation...I guess it just goes to show, don't judge a book by it's cover. My favorite part ->

god can be so blatant when he's hopeless
and the greeks are so artistic when they're dying
above a painted mask of darkness over
our divorced world, muted only by the decadent spill
of pixie-dust explosions and gunfire.

Hello, colorful,
I would say ask some more people to review your writing because it's not fair that it just sits here without any comments. So I'm changing that now.

colorful wrote:the night is beautiful when it's cold out.
my eyes are lost in the fourteen karat stars
shimmering and twisting into words i can't escape
- we're blanketed by this sheet of dimming beacons
but it's all so clean cut in the winter. #8040BF ">don't like this phrase, and I think it needs a hyphen. Though I'm not sure in this context
.
hold your fire, heavens.
the skies are all at war and we're here
throwing out our dreams like wrapping paper.
crystal fragments smash and mix with
ebony-empty blood
hanging soundless on a
canvas
over salted, raining eyes.#4080FF ">Love this stanza. Wonderful Imagery
.
god can be so blatant when he's hopeless
and the greeks are so artistic when they're dying
above a painted mask of darkness over
our divorced world, muted only by the decadent spill
of pixie-dust explosions and gunfire.
.
crashing
into glass and aluminum
galaxies diminuendo and fade away #4040FF ">is that the opposite of a cresendo? lol sorry to ask
leaving alone the thumb-tacked wishes of desperate souls
mocked by wounded soldiers of the sky.
.
i don't feel like watching stars die tonight.

thank you so much

That was an amazing poem. please write more.
♥ emoticon220