love in the midst of war

I lay on my back on my stiff cot in me and Liam’s tent. The brick-hard pillow scratches at my neck, my feet ten inches from the edge of the bed since I’m so much smaller than it’s made for. Stomping, war cries, and chanting fills the air in the space between me and my brother, wherever he is. Training somewhere, maybe eating. I don’t have an internal clock.

I shift onto my side, my hand dangling next to Will’s elbow. He smacks it away playfully and I make a dramatic show of pain, rolling off of the cot and landing on the hard floor next to him. He flicks my hair and I stick out my tongue at him.

Ten seconds later, my head is on his lap and his book is sitting shut tight next to him, his attention all on me. “Hi. What time is it, do you think?” I ask him, dropping in a greeting even though he’s been in the tent since early this morning. I think he spends more time here than in his mother’s cabin.

“Hello, Sammy.” He responds almost immediately, his eyes flicking to the edge of the tent’s walls - drapes - what are they called? A bit of light spills in through them, hinting somehow at what time it is. Though we both know Will doesn’t need to look at that. He’s obsessed with dates, times, down to the second. “It’s about 1500 hours.”

I groan, dragging my hands down my face. “Liam won’t be back for another two hours!” I complain, pouting slightly. “I wish I could train with him.”“Hm.” Will hums, twirling the curls that spring off my head. “Why do you want to be a soldier so badly? I mean - you told me that you hate the war, and also, you’re only ten years old. Is there any reason other than you want to be with your brother?”I remove my hands from my face and stretch my palms to the ceiling, flexing my fingers. “I wish the war would end because I want us to win, I don’t hate that we’re fighting for freedom. I hate that people are dying, and that my brother might be one of them. If he dies on the battlefield and I’m not alongside him, I…” I don’t know how to finish the sentence, so I clear my throat and shift the topic. “You’re also only ten! And you’re actually doing something other than sitting around in a tent all week.”

Will’s face flushes. “I sit in this tent with you all the time!”“But you’re always reading your anatomy books! You’re such a nerd!”

I snatch his glasses and sit up, holding them up high even though we’re both sitting down. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who’s shorter than me and also my age, so I use that to my advantage any time possible. “HEY!” He yelps, snatching the glasses back and fixing them onto his face. I think he’s prettier with them anyway.

“I’m a medic. I’m not a soldier. And I’m Maria’s assistant, I barely do anything.” He waves a finger in my face. I snap at it with my teeth and he pulls away.

“Why are you a medic, anyways?” I ask, leaning my head against the cot. “Liam says it’s a woman’s job. Not - not like all the other men! He’s just never seen a male medic before.”

Will sighs, following my lead and leaning against the bed as well. He fidgets with his thumbs. “Well - I started learning about wounds and anatomy and all when I was really little. Because of Maria and my mother. So I was a medic when I was younger too, and I guess it made sense then.”I tilt my head so it rests on his shoulder. “Why did it make sense then?”The silence after is almost deafening before he speaks again. “You know Elise?”I laugh. “Of course.”

“Well, she wasn’t always a woman, was she?”

I stiffen a bit at that, but he referred to her as she, so I think it’s a genuine question. Slowly, I nod. “No, not always.”“Well, I’m like her.”Confusion pecks at me. “You want to be a girl?”

Will laughs awkwardly. “No! I mean - I’m the opposite. I was a girl…now I’m not.”

“Oh.” I think for a moment. I look at him. I observe his features. They haven’t changed. He still has glasses, and thin pink lips, and a blond mop for hair. I don’t think he looks different at all, really. “Okay. Cool.”

Will opens his mouth as if he’s going to speak, then closes it again. He pulls away and turns to me so we’re face to face instead of next to each other. “Have you ever kissed someone?” He asks suddenly. My face goes red.

“What? No. I don’t even know any girls our age. And no one would be attracted to this.” I wave a hand at my unkept black curls, thick brows, bumpy skin. The dark burn marks up and down my arms. Will seems to think this over.

“Has Liam ever kissed Elise?”

I burst out laughing. He looks genuinely shocked. “No, of course not! Elise is our sister, silly! What - did you think she and Liam were lovers? She is - she is not in love with him! I think he loved her like that for a while. But she said no. She’s our sister.”

“Your sister? But… she’s…” Will doesn’t finish the sentence.

I do it for him. “She doesn’t look like us. Well, Maria doesn’t look like you, and she’s your mother, basically, right? Or… one of them, I guess?”

Will nods slowly. “Don’t - don’t tell anyone, but Maria said she has kissed my mother. Have you ever heard of a woman kissing a woman?”

I shake my head vigorously. “No. I think people don’t like that. But I wouldn’t care, I mean, if Elise kissed a girl. Like her friend Sylie.”

Will thinks again. Each pause gets longer. “What about a boy kissing a boy?”

I shake my head again.

“Have you ever wanted to kiss a boy?”The question makes my ears ring. I lift my eyes off the ground to his, and there’s some emotion in them that I haven’t seen ever before. “Yeah,” I whisper. “I think I’d like to kiss you.”

Will’s face is pink. Mine is red. “I don’t know how,” he admits.

“I don’t either.” I shrug.

“Do you want to try it?” He asks slowly.

I nod even slower.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

He closes his eyes, and I take that as a cue to do the same. Darkness overwhelms me, and then I remember to lean in so my lips clumsily land on his. I remember to pucker my lips. He does too. It isn’t a good kiss, really. We don’t know what we’re meant to be doing. It lasts maybe two seconds before we both pull away, gasping for air even though we weren’t drowning.

I break the silence. “That was okay.” I press my fingers to my lips. “I think.”

Will runs a hand through his hair. “You didn’t hate it?”

“No.” I shrug.

Will opens his mouth, closes it, then opens it again. “Do you… do you want to be…more than just friends? Do you want to be like my mother and Maria?”

“Lovers?”

“Yeah. Lovers. Do you want to be?”

I think. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” He smiles.