Dreamcatcher

Hey, I just read this and I'm going to try to review it. (This is my first time reviewing, sorry if it's terrible).

1. I really liked it. I haven't read anything like this. I feel like there may have been too many details, but it was interesting. Maybe add some dialogue or something. The descriptions were fantastic, but I kind of had a hard time focusing because were so many. And also, who's the narrator? Where exactly is he/she and what's going on? This would be good information to slide in there. This story has tons of potential.

2. There are a few grammar mistakes I'm going to point out, sorry if someone else already said it.

"It hovers toward me and I am over flown with bubbly airy joy." Overflown is one word and there should be a comma between bubbly and airy.

"Sparks of gold fleck my vision as I reach out my hand so I can capture the source of this ecstasy, so I can hold, feel it, telling me without a doubt that it is real." I think you might want to reword this, it's a little hard to follow. Maybe "Sparks of gold fleck my vision, telling me without a doubt that it is real. I reach out my hand so I can capture the source of this ecstasy, so I can hold it, feel it." Something like that possibly.

"Marzena. A chill runs down my spine, I glimpse around searching for the otherworldly voice whispering in my ear but I find no one to match it to. Marzena it taunts louder this time. Marzena, Marzena, Marzena repeats in the same mystical phantom of a sound increasing until it is roaring in my ear. I sense it, so near, but still I can not place it, well, before I look up that is."
Something is speaking, or at least the narrator thinks so, so it needs quotations. And-this is just a suggestion-I think rewriting the last sentence would be good.
I think this would be better(in my opinion, do what you want)-"'Marzena.' A chill runs down my spine and I glimpse around, searching for the otherwordly voice whispering in my ear but I find no one to match it to. 'Marzena,' it taunts, louder this time. 'Marzena, Marzena, Marzena,' it repeats, in the same mystical phantom of a sound, increasing until it is roaring in my ear. I can sense it, so near, yet I still cannot place it. Well, before I look up, that is."

"like a addict in recovery" This should be an, not a.

"How can something so present so real so alive just vanish?" This needs commas. It should be "How can something so present, so real, so alive just vanish?"

"My resent towards all the others" This might be better as "resentment toward". And also the whole line should probably go a little more like this "My resentment toward all the others-the ones who got their dreams-is stewing and sizzling inside me."

"No matter how hard I work how hard I try I am not blessed like the others." Needs commas. "No matter how hard I work, how hard I try, I am not blessed like the others."

3. There are a few lines that seem to be direct thoughts that should be in some kind of italics, I think, because otherwise it's confusing.
Examples: "That hideous word repeats over and over again in my head. Gone, gone, gone gone, gone." The gone's should be italicized.
"It does not matter, what is the point?" This should either be rewritten or italicized. I don't know if it's a thought or not.

4. Favorite line: "The corridors are darkening and I feel my heart quickening beat by beat every time a second is shaved off the clock ticking towards Sapana." I just really liked it, don't ask me why.

Sorry if this was too long, I did my best. Overall, this was really good. It just needs a little shaping up. You seem really talented and I hope you follow up on it. Let me know if you want anything. Or if my review was terrible, that's cool too, haha. Good job, have a great day!

Hi Just read your piece - I thought it was really good - the description in particular was really good, I felt entranced in it and really want to know what happens next!! - good stuff!

Just got a few grammar nit picks - i've put the words that could be changed in [ ] and put a potential replacement after it ...


The corridors are darkening and I feel my heart quickening beat by beat every time a second is shaved [of] off the clock ticking towards Sapana.

The traditional Sapana wear is not helping as the heavy fabric draped around me seems to be squeezing my body, slowly suffocating me like a snake killing its prey. I’ve always hated the Sapana wear, an array of white, brown, and black littered with strings of dreamcatchers framing the attire. Yet I know I must wear it because of the superstitions it follows. The color white, to grace you with wings that carry you high enough to reach your dream. Brown to keep you tethered to the ground, just in case you fly to far. But most importantly, black to cloak you with the unknown, the essence of all dreams.

^ By the way, I thought this bit was really clever

As I scan my surroundings, my eyes take in every detail of my [peers] peer's expressions hoping to find someone, anyone, who is as terrified as me but every single one of them has the same look of ignorant bliss.



Beside me a [girls] girl's head jerks up and she steps forward, her eyes without any trace of hesitation, the orb flows toward her nearing the golden dream catcher placed above her heart. Once it gets close enough to touch it[inset comma here?] floods inside.


This was my one chance. The importance of that phrase, one [insert another comma here?] is sickening. One. No more next times, once mores, or other opportunities. I will never find happiness. I will never achieve my dream.


Slowly I feel the visions and dreams of my life deteriorate into nothing, unraveled by one tiny thread. So many tears cried, so many words wasted, so many moments annihilated. Truly, all is lost.

^ the ending is very good!

Just a few grammar bits but other than that it is great - keep writing

Hello! I'm here to help edit your piece I'll be using these () within your story so you can see where in the story it is, as well as why I would make that edit. I would also like to say that these are my suggestions, and only you as the writer really know where you want to go with the story, or what audience you are writing to... I hope this helps! XD

Today should be my beginning, but I believe it may be my end. Pessimistic thoughts are launching on my insecurities and attacking my hopes. I am overcome by a gut wrenching feeling of wrongness and I am slightly grateful for it. If proven true, the bitter disappointment won’t also (putting 'also' here seems to make this sentence a little wordy, or hard to read, I would remove it, and leave the rest as is. : ) be slapped with shock. I think that is what makes most things unbearable, the complete blindness you have before an incident occurs. Nonetheless I must reconstruct the mask of confidence I wore before, because today, whether or not it is my downfall or my salvation, is the most important day of my life. Today marks the ancient holiday of Sapana; the festival of dreams and it just so happens that it is finally my turn, as ('as' here is unnecessary and if you remove it it might make this stand out more ans seem like a statement, if that is something you'd want for this part ) I turned 18 exactly a week ago. Today I will be catching my dream. Like my parents, my grandparents, my great grandparents, and all the people of my village have for years and years and years.

The corridors are darkening and I feel my heart quickening beat by beat every time a second is shaved of the clock ticking towards Sapana. The traditional Sapana wear is not helping my case, ('my case' is an add on and is referred to as 'lazy writing' because it is acommonly used descriptive term, I don't personally like that description because there is merit to all forms of writing, but here I feel it takes away from the seriousness of the moment) as the heavy fabric draped around me seems to be squeezing my body, slowly suffocating me like a snake killing its prey. I’ve always hated the Sapana wear, an array of white, brown, and black littered with strings of dreamcatchers framing the attire. Yet I know I must wear it because of the superstitions it follows. The color white, to grace you with wings that carry you high enough to reach your dream. Brown to keep you attached to what you came from, just in case you fly to far. (this sentence is fine, and this is just a suggestion, but what do you think of 'Brown to keep you attached, in case you fly to far') But most importantly, black to cloak you with the unknown, the essence of all dreams. I should be comforted by the presence of these colors, for they only ensure the chances of the success that I will be gifted with. Except they feel like a block added to the tower of expectations and preparations for this day. That tall and sturdy tower tumbling to the ground, and it replays over and over again in my mind.

As I scan my surroundings, my eyes take in every detail of my peers expressions hoping to find someone, anyone, who is as terrified as me but every single one of them has the same look of ignorant bliss. How is it possible that I am the only one suffering through this? Right when that thought races through my brain (I would take the beginning of this sentence out up to here, and replace it with 'then' or 'suddenly' or perhaps another less used word that also implies the brevity of the moment. A lot of writers (myself included) use a sentence in moments like these to get all the details out, however if this was happening, and happening fast, you can take advantage of the momentum you create and capitalize on it with increased 'drama' or 'intensity' if something Suddenly! happens rather then explicitly explaining the turn of events I hear the doors begin to rise and my heart leaps, shocking the fear through me. Trickles of moonlight greet our faces as the sacred field is finally revealed. I can not help but gasp and I notice that most of the others do as well, this secret, this wonder, this mystery of a place has never been taken in by any of our eyes. The village does not allow it, for logical reasons of course. No one wants to be handed their dream too early, but it is certainly a loss for us because it is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. The grass is a lush vivid green and flowers of sapphire blues and ruby reds and emerald greens sprout within it, but the most curious feature is the sky, which is absurdly, a darker deeper blue than I had seen elsewhere that day. As I take all of it in I begin to understand why this is the place of dreams.

A luminous midnight blue orb floats up out of the grass, circling through the air as if searching for someone. Realization shocks me that it is, because there right in front of me is someone’s dream. Beside me a girls head jerks up and she steps forward, her eyes without any trace of hesitation, the orb flows toward her nearing the golden dream catcher placed above her heart. Once it gets close to (i would remove 'to' here, and the second 'it' after touch enough to touch it it floods inside it. I feel like I should look away from such a private and pivotal moment of someone’s life but I can not tear my eyes away. For a split second the dream catcher’s strings illuminate midnight blue and the light travels from it rushing (Imagine this sentence without 'from it rushing'.. does it sound better?) into her veins, flowing through the strands of her hair, and engulfing her eyes. She has finally become one with her dream.

And with that Sapana has begun. Soon the air is inhabited by a kaleidoscope of orbs. I watch in trepidation as more and more of the people I grew up with are blessed enough to grasp and seize their dream. Every one of them has that look in their eyes, the one robbed of doubt. They all knew it was theirs, the one meant to change their lives. On the night I should be getting the same, I am left in the dust. Marzena. A chill runs down my spine, I glimpse around searching for the otherworldly voice that was (you put in past tense here, but the voice starts up again. How about removing 'that was' ) whispering in my ear but I find no one to match it to. Marzena it taunts louder this time. Marzena, Marzena, Marzena repeats in the same mystical phantom of a sound increasing until it is roaring in my ear. I sense it, so near, but still I can not place it, well, before I look up that is.

Looming above me is an orb brimming full of lustrous molten gold. Pure and simple tears form in my eyes and in that instant I know with complete lack of indecision that above me is my dream. It hovers toward me and I am over flown with bubbly (Bubbly is probably not the right description for this since it is so often associated with temporary things) airy joy. It is like I am becoming liquid gold and the orb above me is melting and oozing into me until we merge together into one potion. Sparks of gold fleck my vision as I reach out my hand so I can capture the source of this ecstasy, so I can hold, feel it, telling me without a doubt that it is real. The minute my hand reaches it something in it gives way and it explodes into dust. As the dust tumbles to the ground it slowly loses it’s golden glimmer and fades to a dark ugly awful grey. Once it hits an awful crack rings through the air and it disappears, dead, but was it even living in the first place? The joy I felt is swiped from me and like a addict in recovery I instantly feel the withdrawal.

I really like this! I want to know what happens to people who don't get their dreams, what getting your dream means, and what can she do about what has happened to her! This is fascinating and I hope you expand on it a little more, this is the perfect framework for a short story! Good job!! XD

Hey! So you can call me meg (or grandpaslippers, if it doesn't weird you out ) and I'm gonna give you my best shot at a review

So first off; I can tell you're talented. You're really great at stringing words together and making it mean something (AKA that wonky thing called writing lol). Something that stuck out to me as I was reading is your descriptions. They're golden, in their own unique way. The description in this story makes the reader understand and connect to the narrator while also painting a detailed picture - like I said, it's definitely one of your strengths!

Overall, this is a good piece. But if I'm very frank with you, it's lacking a polish. You're descriptions are better than great, but there are too many of them. The entire story is one giant chunk of feelings and explanations and details. To a reader, it's hard to sort through all that because, well, the human race as a whole is pretty ADHD.
Now before you get discouraged - there's a lot of potential here! With some fixing up and a few tweaks, it's going places, understand?

So back to the polishing - too many details. In my opinion, I think you need more action. I don't necessarily mean like bang bang, check out my kung fu action. It can be anything; conversation, wit, etc. Or another option is to shorten the entire thing and leave out some of the more unnecessary things.

Okay one more thing and I'll shut up. I'm not sure if this is a chapter, or a short story, or whatever, but I feel like I'm lacking the backbone. What is Sapana, exactly? Who is the narrator, and why is she/he the only one who isn't united with his/her dream? If this information is to come in the next part, then it's not crucial. However, if it's a short story, some simple plot lines would be nice.

Well, that's about all I have for you! I really hope this was helpful to you, because I can see the talent behind the words and I genuinely believe that with a little polish you'll become a great writer! If you need anything clarified or decide my opinion isn't total rubbish, let me know! Have a great day!