Published March 24, 2011
You took a path
That led to a better place
Not but 12 years ago
You flew with the angels
To see the man
That stood in so many of your dreams
You sprouted your wings
That you were granted
Too soon to receive
You took his hand
As he led you
To a beautiful place
That you should have not seen
Not yet at least
You tried to fight
But the battle was not won
The enemy was just way too strong
You grew weak
But strong in his eyes
To him it was not a feat
You were told
To not be afraid
But afraid is what you were
You didn’t want to leave
You didn’t want to say goodbye
You just wanted to stay by my side
You took a path
Not but 12 years ago
That led you away from me.
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140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I really enjoyed the poem, it was well written. And the idea very well expressed (Reffering to it as a battle gave it away for me). I enjoyed reading it.
I like how the first and last stanza links, its great how it opens and closes the poem. Although some parts were a little confusing, like, in one moment 'she' is being led into paradise by a mystified man and the next, she's fighting an enemy of some sort. It would be more appealing if you could surface a little linkage between each stanza, although this wouldn't be necessary if your readers were telepaths haha.
Good poem though. Really touching and smooth.
//Abyss.
Neeh, the ending's so sad! Bu-hu.. But I liked it though, it was sweet but touching! Please ass some punctuation though, I get so exhausted without dots cause i forget to breath
Great flow and structure of the stanzas otherwise.. Soo.. ehm. Well, NICE JOB!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Thank You all! And yes it is a true story of my mothers battle with cancer. She died when I was 4 years old on Christmas. Thank You! I am glad it did justice!
This was really beautiful. Good job. I really, really hope this isn't a true story, but I have the feeling it is. Either way, you captured the emotion perfectly.
Keep writing!
LOVEEEE IT~!!!!
This poem is really good! As I was reading it, it made me feel sad, which is a good thing for you
. It was a little vauge but you gave good hints as to what happened throughout the poem. I enjoyed this stanza the best:
You took his hand
As he led you
To a beautiful place
That you should have not seen
Not yet at least
Overall, I great poem, I enjoyed it. (:
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
Very sad, this is. I like your reference to a battle not won, it makes me think of some illness, especially cancer. How everyone refers to it as "the battle". Is that what you were trying to say? Because if so, you did a great job telling it.
Just remember to spell out your numbers. For example, instead of writing just 12, write it out like: twelve. It doesn't clash so much with everything else.
It kinda made me a bit teary-eyed.
Lavvi
My favorite stanza is where you talk about how she sprouted her wings too soon. This is a really good poem. When i read this i noticed you started out talking about her going to this beautiful place with the man from her dreams (presumably god?) Then you go and say she doesnt want to go to this beautiful place. It would be nice if you incorporated alittle of your mother's self conflict in the poem. It might make the poem stronger. But honestly, it is really really good.
I think this poem was very well written. The emotion was clear, and made the vreader feel something, which not many writers can accmplish. Good job, and keep on writing!
Lindsay
"Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights." ~me