‘OW!!!’ I cried, why is my bed so hard? Uhhh and I think I cramped my neck!!! I tried to get comfortable but then with a loud thud, I fell to the stone floor beneath me. That actually hurt. Duh, of course. I’m like, why wouldn’t it? I opened one eye then the other, huh? Why was I in the living room? Oh!!! I scrambled up and went to my bedroom to put some party clothes on. Silly me, I must have fallen asleep while waiting for the birthday girl, Mia, my sister, to get up. I ran back outside just before Mia got out of her bedroom.
‘Happy Birthday Mia!!!’ I cheered, just enough to make her smile and jump in surprise. ‘Aww, thanks Coco!!!’ she smiled. ‘Hey Mia, yawn, Happy Birthday sweetheart!’ mum came out of her cosy bedroom, followed by dad. ‘Yeah, you too Birthday girl!!!’ dad said tiredly. ‘Looks like someone’s sleeping in today, the very special day!!!’ dad remarked. ‘Well, not anymore!!!’ Danielle, my big sister said grumpily. ‘Well anyways, Happy Birthday Mia!!!’ Miss Grumpy smiled weakly. ‘Ok, cut the drama, I’ll fry up some pancakes for all of us. Mia darling, can you help me? Poor Danny seems a bit tired. The rest of you’s do whatever you want’ Mum said.
Isn’t it just so obvious? Mum never ever asks me to help her with anything. She either asks Danielle or Mia, ‘coz I’m the youngest in the family, Mia is the middle and Danielle is the eldest. I’m 10, Birthday girl is now 13 and Danny, that’s what we call her, is 16. Just after I entered my room to write in my secret diary, first I heard two screams then yelling and shouting. I panicked, I quickly ran to our huge kitchen where I saw a huge, blazing fire, most likely caused by the gas flame, on the now, dirty but weirdly and surprisingly still, polished stove!!! Danny appeared at my side. ‘Hey, what’s going on? People these days, they just do whatever they want’ she said annoyingly. I didn’t get what she meant but I replied anyways. ‘I think there’s a fire in the kitchen right here…actually I’m pretty certain there is’ stating the obvious.
I scanned the scene, not wanting to be included. Mum was running frantically, Mia was…Oh My God!!! Her eyes were…were…were red!!! I pinched myself. OW!!! Ok I’m certainly not dreaming, I looked again, yep her eyes were surely red. Am I going crazy? Then another crazy thing happened! Mia’s eyes turned blue! Like a sky blue! Oh My Holy God I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! I didn’t notice this before but the fire was gone!!! There were water everywhere but there was no sign of any buckets or anything that could extinguish the fire!!! But I think it disappeared only seconds ago because you could still hear the sizzle (even though the stove was not even burnt! Not one tiny millimetre!!!), and you could see the smoke rising into the air.
Everything went into a blur after this ‘accident’; no one knew what started it so we stayed silent. Mum and dad cleaned up, Danielle comforted Mia because Mia was feeling terrified and shaken, I guessed it was because of the sudden fire attack or she knew started the fire somehow with her eyes, by accident. Oh, and me, I just stood there like a lost sheep. Yeah, lame right? But then after a minute past, Mia went to her bedroom with two cups of water and a lighter. I never did this ever to any of my sisters but I couldn’t help being curious after what happened and the changing colour of her eyes, so I followed her or what looks like spying on her. But just as she walked she crept into her bedroom she shut and locked the door in my face! But luckily there was a big keyhole, so I peeked into that and there was a clear view what she was doing. And what she was doing would take your breath away. With a move of her delicate finger, the water in one of the cups followed her finger, just like playing the flute to a hypnotized snake. Just then someone laid a hand on my shoulder and I screamed without thinking. ‘Omg, shhhh!!!’ said a startled voice. I turned around and it was Danielle. Thanks a lot!!! ‘Omg you scared me Danny!!!’ I hissed. But before she could reply Mia opened the door a creak. ‘What are you doing?’ she whispered. ‘I saw what you did, do you have magic?’ I asked.
‘No, if you want an answer. It’s actually called Blinx for your information, and you, Mia, is a Blinxies. Sort of like pixies but cooler’ a mean, girl tone replied. The mean girl had glittery silver wings with a pixie haircut. She wore a hot pink top with skinny, blue faded jeans and black, leathery boots. She looked like a teenager that could tease anyone that was in her way. ‘Oh and for your advice my name is Miranda and don’t forget that! Let’s get to the point; I’m here ‘coz the head, Mrs. Twixie ordered me to tell you that in three days you’ll have to come with me to another dimension to practise your blinx, or magic as you call it, at BA(Blinx Academy). You’re sisters can come too, but I doubt that they’ll have any Quartz in them’ Miranda snickered. And with that she disappeared, leaving a strawberry scent behind.
‘Weird!!!’ we all said at once, then burst into giggles. ‘I think we’re still dreaming!!!’ I said. ‘Yep, I think so too!!!’ Danny said. ‘C’mon sis’s, let’s forget about it!!!’ Mia said. So we all did.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey cocorox333
Hope you're enjoying the site! Remember to go have a look at some other people's work too and offer your opinion. I'm sure they'd love you for it.
Now to the review!
First major point would be, less exclamation marks please. You pretty much had three exclamation marks on every line of dialogue, even when they weren't shouting. Like this - ‘Yeah, you too Birthday girl!!!’ dad said tiredly. - I don't know about you but I don't shout when I am tired. You only need one exclamation mark grammatically speaking to make emphasis on the dialogue or make it like someone is shouting. Also, try not to use them in the description. Keep them to the dialogue. I want you to create the tension and immediacy of the peril or exctement with your writing and your words, not by littering exclamation marks through your piece.
Next point is sloooooow dooooown. Your pace is so blindingly fast that I kind of felt like I got whiplash by the end of it. One second it was Mia's birthday, then there was fire, there was water, she was going to her bedroom, there was more water, there was a fairy, there was a school. Wow, that's a lot of information to throw at your reader in such a short space of time. Try and pace it out a little. You know what's going on but the reader doesn't and the more you throw at them the more they will shut down and eventually give up. So just think about setting up the suspense, the intrigue. Think about keeping your reader interested, wanting more.
It's a shame that these easily fixable things let the story down because you obviously have a well thought out idea there. You just need to spend some time making it the best it can be
Hope that was helpful. If you have any questions then feel free to PM me!
Bex x
This plot has a lot of potential, but there is a lack of depth. The characters could have a better description with their personality and appearance put into better detail, unless you wanted them to have a sense of mystery.
" 'C'mon sis's, let's forget about it!!!' Mia said. So we all did."
This seems to feel unrealistic since in reality an occurrence like this would not be so easy to forget, maybe another closing sentence would have been a bit more appropriate.
But all in all, this story could turn out to be really interesting.
yea ash
i lack of alot of things><
thnx
First, it makes it much easier to read if you start a new paragraph whenever somebody new speaks, because people are used to it since that's what authors do in books.
The dialogue seemed a little weird. They didn't sound real when they spoke. It sounded like everyone was extremely excited to the point of running around waving their hands in the air. Now, for the fire part that makes sense, but when Miranda was describing Blinx Academy in this part,
She can fit a lot into a single sentence, can't she? The length of that sentence and the amount of information imparted in it made it seem as if she was very excited to be welcoming her to Blinx, but the snickering and such shows that she isn't. If I were you, I would read the dialogue aloud and ask myself if it seemed natural for where you were going with emotions.
Also, there isn't a large amount of description until you get to the end, when she describes Miranda. More description can never hurt, unless you're going for an air of illusion. Describe the smell of the cooking pancakes and how it later changes to smoke. Describe the look of the fire and the sound of the fire. Do they have a fire alarm? Then make it start wailing!
That being said, it's a very intriguing plot. The eyes changing color was very interesting. Are you going to continue it?
kayfortnight ok i'll fix it next time i'll write a story thnx for that^^
and yes i am going to continue it^^