Published November 27, 2008
Yesterday I thought up an idea for a story, so I thought I would try writing a little. [s]I wrote what is either chapter 1 or the prologue, but I think it's the prologue because it seems rather short. Which do you think it should be?[/s] It is now the prologue.
Also anyone have any suggestions for what to name my main character? Finally, I know it may seem rather confusing when you read it at first, but it is supposed to clear up as you keep reading.
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“No. It can’t be like this. Not now. Please, not now. Sometime later, let it happen. I don’t care when. Just not now. One more second, please. Give me one more second and it will all turn out right. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything for one more second.”
The Timekeeper sneered, slipping the chalk into his pocket.
“Where did that come from?” he asked, hopping down from the little stool and taking a step towards me. “You sounded like you were reciting Shakespeare.” He narrowed his eyes at me, as if he thought I had memorized a script before coming into the awful, dark, room.
“Please, one more second,” I said. The Timekeeper chuckled, and his high voice sent a shiver down my spine.
“And why should I give you anything at all, much less a portion of time? You are the one who broke into my palace, you are the one took my cat, and, most of all, you are the one who found my chalk and got yourself into this mess in the first place. Why should I give you anything?” the Timekeeper said.
“Because-“ I lowered my eyes. “Because of Angelina.”
“You did what you could. You can do no more.” The Timekeeper wasn’t sneering anymore.
“You can help her, I know it.” I said.
“I did enough for her already.”
“She fell.” My voice started to rise. “Just send me back, give me one more second, and I can save her.”
“Do you realize how many people have died in this world? Billions. And I haven’t helped one of them. What can I do, everyone has to die, so why should I take interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?”
“Listen, I don’t have time for this.” I sounded braver than I felt. A moment later, I realized how stupid that had sounded. After all, I was in a room where time was controlled, and time meant nothing. The Timekeeper snorted.
“You have all the time in the world,” the Timekeeper said. “I could sit here for a millennium waiting for you to wake up to the fact that this whole conversation is absolutely pointless. Give me one reason to help you.”
There was silence for several seconds. And when there is silence in the room of time, it is truly silent. Finally, I spoke up.
“She had your cat.”
Crack! Something snapped through the silence and darkness. I spun around to face the direction the sound had come form.
“What was that?” I asked, turning back to the Timekeeper. He had a look of confusion across his face, but it didn’t last long. He refocused his gaze onto my face, and replied.
“That was nothing. You say she had my cat? You believe that I would give you a second for a cat?”
“How hard would it be to give me one second?” I asked.
The Timekeeper sighed, suddenly becoming a much less irritated person.
"I can’t send you back to right before you fell, but give you another second to save her. I can’t do that. If I did, you would both die. But you are right, I do wish I had Apple back.” The Timekeeper said the last sentence dreamily. I assumed that Apple was the cat’s name.
“There is only one thing I could do,” the Timekeeper continued. “I could send you way back to relive the adventure you just finished, the adventure of getting here in the first place. You would go back, before you came into this room, before you went on your journey to get here, before you found my chalk. Most of all, you would not remember a thing about the venture you just ended. You will have a chance to do it all over again, but set things right at the end. But this time, you would not get a second chance if you failed. Do you agree?”
The Timekeepers words spun in my head as I tried to make sense of them. A chance to save Angelina… it was like a dream come true. I slowly nodded my head, and, for the first time, I saw the Timekeeper give a real smile.
The Timekeeper slowly walked over to his stool and stepped up on it. He turned to face the slowly rotating chalkboard, and the stool started to rise, going higher and higher, until it stopped near a chalk equation that was just starting to rotate around to out side of the board. As soon as it was in reach of the Timekeeper, he pulled out the chalk, extended his arm, and wrote, carefully and slowly, the number 0 next to the equation. Then, without turning around, he spoke:
“Please exit through door 42. Now get out of here.”
I started to walk to the right around the giant, cylindrical blackboard, watching the numbers on the doors as I passed them. 30… 31… 32… I though about the offer the Timekeeper had given me. It was a chance to save Angelina, but I had to get past all of the obstacles first. And I would not remember anything to help me out. That meant that everything would play out the same way, and in the end Angelina and the cat would meet the same fate.
I shook my head vigorously. If that was true, the Timekeeper would not send me on the quest again. Then again, you never know with that guy. After all, he could warp time and send everyone falling backwards into space. I decided not to think about it too much, in case my head started to hurt. I concentrated on finding the right door.
39… 40… 41… 42! There it was! The big iron door looked identical to all the others, but I could see that the handle was turned up, meaning that the door was unlocked. I walked up to it, preparing myself for the adventure that I didn’t want to go on in the first place.
I slowly closed my eyes, reached out for the handle, turned it, and pulled the door open. As I stepped through the opening, I could feel all the memories that I had of my adventure flying out of my head, one by one. And then I heard a voice in my head. It was the voice. It was the voice of the Timekeeper, and he was talking to me, but not me. Don’t think about that too much or it’ll make your head hurt.
“Do you want to hear the truth?” Yes, that is what he said. And that is all I remembered after I opened my eyes. It was all I had to aid me on my adventure I was about to repeat. No it wasn’t all. As well as those words, I had a few friends, a piece of chalk, and a cat.
And when I opened my eyes to greet the world and an adventure that I now had no idea I was about to go on, I found myself standing in my bedroom closet.
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Thanks! Do you think I should keep writing it? Critique would be helpful!
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140,255 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Thsi was really good. How old are you? You seem a lot older than 13, especially with that writing.! I absolutyle loved it! I think the name Jared is to common. Something more exoitic would be better.
Good luck adn pm me when you post teh next part!
~jen
Try to think of the adventure in reverse. What caused him to get to the Timekeeper's room? What happened before that? And before that? Think up any scenes you can and start asking where they go and what happens around them.
It was great! I was immeadielty hooked! I haven't read a story, though it is only a prologue at the moment, that realed me in that fast. I can't even find words to express how much I loved it. And I know how the Timekeeper feels about losing his cat. It's happened to me lots and I love cats! That quote about the boy stealing his cat was great. Please, please continue on with your story. I can't wait!
? not ,
Shouldn't you be building emotion? You epic failed if you were. Said is such a plain, boring word, void of all emotion. Try as 'i pleaded, i begged, i gasped' because... can you feel the difference? it has emotion! Said it horrible when put there, so try and be more creative in vocab
Use a ; instead of , + delete and. So: The timekeeper chuckled; his high voice sent a shiver down my spine. Or: A shiver rippled down my spine as the timekeeper chuckled his high-pitched chuckle/throaty chuckle. See how the descriptive words change the mood completely? The timekeeper should be feared, yes? So make him fear-worthy
use 99 not 66. As in closing quotation marks. It always happens after - so watch out. Try instead: ..." not -"
Mentioned above but i shall give you my 2 cents. try What can i do? Everybody has to die, so why should i take interest in one girl and give the boy one more second to save her?
Also - i did not know the sex. So give the people genders (in this case the boy)
This is definitely a prologue, because it's a little separated from the rest of the material (which, you know, isn't written, but I'm guessing it's the rest of the story. Since he won't remember this bit, it can work as a prologue).
Double questions are difficult. But it sounds better as: What can I do? Everyone has to die, so why should I take an interest in one girl and give the boy she was with one more second to save her?
I always do this: from, not form.
Now that I'm done with the criticism: this is good. I would like to read more.
Hey everyone,
Thanks so much for all the great feedback and support! I am working on chapter one, but it has been taking longer than I expected to write it, because I've been really busy. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post it, but in the mean time, what do you think should happen?
Chapter one takes place in the main character's house, so it is in a very different mood than the prologue. Still, it is fun to write!
Amazing!
You realed me immediatly! You really do a good job of portraying your characters through the dialogue, which is a key tip in writing.
You should definitely continue, because I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say we want to hear more.
yeah I loved this story, it has great potential and it already sinks in a storyline that will make me want to read it through till the end. The only thing I did not like about it is the way it was set in First Person however that may change when your character gets a name I don't know. That is my personal taste however so go ahead with the First Person if it is what you want.
I also like this time keeper character as he seems so powerful yet will take a risk to save his cat, quite a good weakness for such a powerful character. As for the main character I think it could be challenging to write about his challenge without referring back to this prologue however if you can pull it off I will be very please as I am definantly looking forward to reading more of this.
Please keep me posted when more is out.
Just a quick review for the moment.
I didn't think it was possible to like this better but I do. You can now see a short, grumpy old guy debating whether or not to give him a second chance, and missing his cat (I love cats). There are reasons to things like not being able to go back a single second.
These paragraphs confused me. Are his friends beside him when he's looking at his bedroom closet? If not, why mention them above?
That's the only really glaring thing I can notice at the moment.
Please. Keep. Writing! And let me know when chapter 1 is up!
You wrote "form" instead of "from."
That was the only thing I caught that everyone else didn't critique already.
That said, I really enjoyed this piece. The title alone caught my attention. I'm especially confused/excited/hooked by the cat. A CAT. The Timekeeper has a CAT?! I'm so confused, and so, so ready to learn more.
Very nice. Gold star for you.
I must admit, I didn't read the entire thing due to lack of time...*looks again at clock on computer, realizes must now go to bed* But what I did read, I was so totally jealous of.
Everybody else, I am sure, has critted on any existing grammar and such other things. But what got me was the idea. Wow. The immense, complex sort of apathy in his voice as the Timkeeper talks about the billions that have perished. The sort of fabled, unperceivable volumes it tells. Keep up the work!
Really good. Since the other first comers caught all those little mistakes, guess I have to comment and try to help you out.
This prologue makes me intrested real badly (or should I say goodly?). Guess I'll have to wait for the next part. Also, can you help describe the envirement (sorry if I'm repeating). Also, how does the Timekeeper look like? Imagery would help a lot. Everybody must be thinking of different envirements. First, I thought of a classroom because of the stool. Then, inside a clock. Do you get what I mean?
Very good.
Hello Cocoboy, and welcome to YWS. Is that a Penguin clashing the symbols on top of a polar bear?
Good hook and dialogue. Effective in establishing the gravity of the situation.
Haha, reciting Shakespeare.
Hrmm? Why is that? Why would the narrator think that it had sounded stupid? I would really like to know.
I can’t send you back to right before you fell, but give you another second to save her. I can’t do that. If I did, you would both die. But you are right, I do wish I had Apple back.” The Timekeeper said the last sentence dreamily. I assumed that Apple was the cat’s name.
Hrmm. So the Timekeeper won't send him back in time right before the narrator fell and reverse time one second just to save the girl because of the fear that the narrator too might die, but is willing to reverse time back to when his adventure began? Firstly, why not get him to reverse time a few minutes before the fall took place so that the narrator could prevent it from happening? I mean, the Timekeeper is willing to reverse it all the way back to the start of the adventure. Secondly, if the Timekeeper really cared for him (in one way or another), then it should be made more evident in the piece.
Nifty.
Overall impressions:
I quite liked the storyline and concept of this piece, though I would like to see more of the character's motivations/feelings running throughout the piece. Why would the main character want to save Angelia? I have a feeling that they are friends, but I don't really see that chemistry that they once shared. What feelings did he have for the timekeeper before and after the incident? What other conflict can you talk about besides the disagreement between them? It should add more depth to your piece.
The dialogue itself seems to "tell" rather than "show". The reason for this is that it's too linear, it holds the hands of the audience far too much. I think the audience should be capable of guiding themselves though the ideas that the concept presents. You should be using the dialogue to characterise the characters more as to set up more of a conflict between them.
Lastly, include some more descriptions to make the writing seem more lively. Have hourglasses sitting on his work table or machinery working away in the background. You know, just to make the Timekeeper seem more like a Timekeeper.
Well done, and good luck.
Andy.
Call me blonde, but I didn't know they had a website for a names nationality.
Anyway, this is one of the best pieces of work I've read on here. Like Mikeb said, this is one of the coolest topics for a story and your writing suits it well. PM me whenever you write more. I would love to read it.
I like that name.
Reviewing stuff is just part of the process. But this is really good, especially for a first draft.
Anyone like the name Jared? Or does anyone have it? That's what I'm considering, but I'm not sure...
Yeah, that's the name I'm going to use for the first draft of chapter one, but I might change it afterwards.
If you want a good website for names, this is a place I usually go to.
http://www.behindthename.com/
It sorts them by nationality, so this will help keep most of the names similar in origin to make them more realistic. Plus it's loaded to the brim with names as well as what they mean.
Oh, and no offense whatsoever to Xena, for she is entitled to her opinion, but I personally believe the dialogue wasn't too long. In fact, I found it well executed and that it went along like a real conversation. Just thought I'd throw in my two cents.
hey well i think there is alot of diologe that really made it longer than it should of been... like some of its good and keeps the story moving, but it just goes on... but its good... i laughed when he was like.. i aint gonna help you foo, you stole my cat! that was good.
Thanks everyone for all your great reviews! I'll write the 1st chapter soon.
As to the Shakespeare question, the story takes place mostly in the real world, but then when the main character starts his quest it may jump to places that aren't real, like the room of time. There might also be some kind of underground thing that they have to go through, maybe a hidden castle, etc. I'm not exactly sure about how the middle of the story will play out, but I have the basic outline.
This means that a saying something about Shakespeare would be perfectly acceptable, but I am not sure if I will leave it in there. Reading it again, I don't think it works very well in that spot.
I'll work on names, but I know that naming is one of my weak points in writing. I like the suggestion of using a baby naming site.
I'll start the first chapter tomorrow, because today is Thanksgiving.
Just so you know, I didn't read the other reviews since I'm too lazy to do so... Anyway, pardon any repeating on my part.
If your story takes place in the real world, then involving Shakespeare is okay, but if the rest of the story takes place in your own made up world, then it's a bit of a no no. Since Shakespeare was a real person, it wouldn't make any sense for him to show up in your world, so unless it takes place in real life, then you should change it.
Put a question mark instead of a comma after "What can I do".
"Snorted" isn't a word you want to use twice so close together. Choose whichever you want to get rid of.
You forgot the quotation mark at the beginning.
Put a period instead of a comma.
Write this as "watching the numbers on the doors as I walked passed them." Because "past" doesn't work here.
I have to say that this is probably the coolest idea for a story I've seen on this website, and your style supports it well. It's very imaginative, I have to say, and I can visualize this interesting world easily. I especially enjoy how you turned something as simple as a piece of chalk into something of power. Anyway, awesome job overall. PM me when the next part comes up.
Oh, ya. The names. Let me think... Well, I'm usually a big nitpick about names, and I can't decide my own character's names without knowing what they look like, how they commonly act, and the names of others in my story, although, I've got an idea for this guy. He seems to me like one of those guys that would do good with a very common and well known name like Jack. Yep, with what I've seen so far I think he may be a Jack, but it's up to you. Heck, after reading more, he may need another name. Only you can know for sure if it feels right since you're the author.
A few nitpicks, first.
Just some small things-- I loved this, as you'll soon read.
A bit redundant, no?
Passed?
That said, this is probably one of the most captivating hooks I've read, and I certainly want to know more about what has been going on. Though, I guess that'd be the point of the story altogether, wouldn't it? And as Rosey said, this should definitely become a prologue. It already has me immersed in the story, and has me set up, anticipating and wondering as to how this scene came to be. It's great as is, and I would definitely love to read more. The setting especially is very well done. Very esoteric and suitable to an epic quest.
In naming your protagonist, you need to take into consideration the setting of his adventures, and also the names you have for other characters. There isn't quite enough information in the prologue (not that there needs to be!) for me to give some suggestions, and I apologize for that. Baby naming sites are immensely helpful in naming your characters, I've found.
Good luck, and keep with it! Seems like a brilliant idea, and could go in so many directions.
Wow! What a hook! In my opinion, Dialogue is one of the best (if not the best) way to start a story.
Quick thing- make sure all your quotation marks are lined up against the right phrase. It drives me nuts to have: "I didn't mean to do it! "She cried. (Made-up example.) To solve the thing with the dash, put an I or some other pointless letter before you put the quotation mark, then delete the pointless letter. (step one would look like this- Life--I", step 2 Life--". In Word, if you put the double dash then the I and quotation mark it'll turn it into one dash. Delete the I and the mark is still properly formed.)
I would make this the prologue. I like what it does, giving you a sense of plight. You really start to wonder what happened, and how the adventure went. And the Timekeeper's voice, will it show up again? Like, he'll get a whisper in his mind that will give him a hint?
How much of this will be set in the real world and how much of this will be set in a fantasy world? If there isn't anything in the real world I would get rid of the Shakespeare reference. It already pulls you out of the story a little.
I'd need to know a bit more about the character to be able to name him properly. I think there's a naming guide somewhere on the forums.
Please keep writing!