Published May 11, 2010
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Great lyrical poem with quick witted rhymes though there was a bit repetition towards the middle it was well written none the less.
I would advise a bit of revising and editing patch some rough spot. All and all it was a grand poem!
Keep it up!
-Dawn
I loved the story of the poem. I've always had a soft spot for folklore and mythology, and this poem has a very folkloric feel to it.
As Suzanne has already mentioned, your flow suffered from inconsistent line lengths. If you could just even them out so that each stanza has the same number of syllables per line, this poem would sound so much better.
Another thing that this poem could use work on is the punctuation. It's not grammatically correct, and this not only throws off the flow, it also makes this poem a bit difficult to understand. Poems are punctuated the same as prose, generally, and if you properly punctuate this poem, it will be much better.
The rhyme scheme in your poem completely reminds me of Robert Burns, which is awesome.
I really love the story you have in this, it's very interesting and very much old world, neat, sailors and all that. However your rhythm throws it off in a lot of places. THe majority of the first few lines are between seven and eight syllables, which is perfect for the flow. but as you go further down, some have nine, then to the bottom there's a four line stanze with four, eight, eight, ten - it's just awkward, and it reads awkward all the same. In a poem you really need rhythm - sailing poems seem to have rhythm more than anything else, perhaps to give the feel of the rocking ocean. This is a great poem, but it looses all flow from the rhythm. Try counting the syllable lines of the poem and seeing if you can keep it more steady and even. Also, I'd suggest you keep all lines to two stanzas if you're going to do it that way. Consistency is good!
Best of luck!