Published January 17, 2011
It's a concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air.
When I look to the west I see a scrap yard,
Torn out concrete all cracked and hard.
Even farther than that I look upon a sea,
Ain't no fishys thanken' me…
Look to the east I can't see the sky,
The concrete there's piled so high.
It's a concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air.
When I look to my right I see a cloud,
Sitten' right above a power plant, that's allowed.
Even farther than that I see a prairie,
'Dem oil drills make prairie dogs wary.
Look to my Left I see a park,
Those trash bringer's sure left their mark.
It's a concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air.
There's hope yet just you wait!
Off shore drillen' by the crate.
Haven't run outa concrete yet,
We'll use the space first, I bet.
Here's to that concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air…
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Hey, I really appreciate your advice and I intend to change a few things but I have to add that it's actually supposed to be spoken in a northern, mid-western, accent. Common colloquialisms include in' (ing), 'Dem (them), 'bout (about), these ones (these), those ones (those), Naw (No), Contracting 'is' Here's (here is), &ct.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
I really liked this, It was different.
I found the structure to work well with the piece as it felt well built. Though I do think one or two more verses would have worked well just to add that bit more detail into it.
Though it was really well written
I especially liked:
Great imagery. Also I love the rhyming. It was well placed.
Well done!
I loved this, I really did. It was pretty darn awesome
Couple suggestions:
It's a concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air.
Maybe it would sound better without the first "out"? Probably just me, but it made it more confusing and hard to read. It would work either way, just a thought.
When I look to the west I see a scrap yard,
Torn out concrete all cracked and hard.
Even farther than that I look upon a sea,
Ain't no fishys thanken' me…
Aint's not fishies thankin' me...
Look to the east I can't see the sky,
The concrete there's piled so high.
It's a concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air.
When I look to my right I see a cloud,
Sitten' right above a power plant, that's allowed.
This last line threw me off, as it did the previous reviewers...
Even farther than that I see a prairie,
'Dem oil drills make prairie dogs wary.
Look to my Left I see a park,
Those trash bringer's sure left their mark.
No need for "left" to be capitalized.
It's a concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air.
There's hope yet just you wait!
Off shore drillen' by the crate.
Haven't run outa concrete yet,
We'll use the space first, I bet.
Here's to that concrete paved out world out there,
Scrap metal danglen' though the air…
I quite liked this, as I said before. Good job!
What a fascinating piece. Bring to mind the world from the film WALL-E. A good insight into the future, a very post-apocolyptic view of the future.
The stanza about the cloud above the power plant, a shimmer of hope that there is still some natural elements in a world cluttered with scrap, concrete and the lot.
A clever and inspiring piece. Keep up the good work.
I liked it. Boolovesyou got pretty much everything, but I want to put some emphasis on one of his comments.
That really really really threw it off.
I enjoyed it overall. Keep writing, doing great.
First off I think you should consider using interior rhyme, this will help not force your language. Secondly consider taking the "I' or "me" out of the poem, try using "he" or "she". Experiment with POV.
The poem was interesting, and grabbed my attention. I appreciate the tone and language. Some lines need work, but don't be discouraged, its pretty great.