Unconditional

“The joys of parents are secret, and so are their grieves and fears.” - Francis Bacon

Part One:

I stood in the elevator of a foster home. Accompanied by a happy couple. Happiness, something I wanted. I was a dark cloud of winter snow, eternally in the season of death. So, I’m here to pick up my foster child. A ten-year-old girl named April. The elevator doors opened, and my chest clenched.

The director welcomed us, a cherubic woman with short blonde hair.

“Welcome to The Guardians, I’m Cheryl!”

The man held out a hand. “I’m Tom, and this is my wife Betty!”

Cheryl turned to me, “How about you?”

Damn, she was gorgeous!

“I’m Graham, nice to meet you.”

She turned back to the couple.

“Tom and Betty, follow me!”

I watched the heels click down the hall. I picked up the pen to sign in, but I dropped the pen under the desk.

(Screw my shaky hands!) I muttered a curse under my breath, and knelt to grab it. Only to hear some footsteps, my gaze shifted to the side. A pair of light blue converse stood before me, two skinny legs attached to them.

"Are you Graham? I think you’re my guardian.”

My eyes soared above me, and I caught sight of a girl.

I stood to face her, me a towering giant over this hobbit.

She had two braids, her eyes were like the Fourth of July.

"Are you April?”

The little girl nodded. "April Libertas.”

"Then yes, I’m your Guardian.”

"I'm scared." She whispered .

"Why?"

She looked at the floor. "Adults scare me."

Cheryl’s clicking heels returned.

"I see you got aquatinted!”

I nodded. "Yes, we have "

After filling out paperwork, I took her home. April fell asleep on the bus, with her little head on my chest. At first, I was uncomfortable, not used to such affection.

"She's beautiful"! The lady next to us whispered.

"Yeah, she is.” I replied in a soft whisper.

April was still fast asleep at our stop. So, I picked her up in my arms, and carried her to my apartment. A neighbor of mine smiled at the sleeping girl. Telling me how sweet it was to adopt her, I nodded and took her inside. Her tiny bed was next to the window, so she could watch over the city. I gently placed her under the covers. And of course I removed her shoes. I closed the curtains so she could rest.

While she slept, I watched TV.

Trying to lose my thoughts, for at least a while. Eventually I received a phone call. I quickly grabbed the phone in a crazed frenzy.

"Hello?”

"Hi Graham, it's Cheryl!”

"Hi Cheryl."

"How is April doing?”

"Fine, she fell asleep on the bus.”

"The poor baby, she hardly sleeps!”

“Neither do I, come to think of it!”

"She has horrible nightmares, and she's too terrified to sleep!”

"Why?”

There was a pause.

"She had a violently abusive dad, who beat her.”

I couldn't believe this, how could anyone hurt a child?

"Where is he now?”

"In jail, he killed April's mother.”

My heart sank to the floor.

"Jesus.” I whispered.

"I know, so take good care of her.”

"I'll protect her, with my life!”

"She really needs you!”

After I hung up, I went to check on April. She was curled up like a kitten. I sat on her bed, in disbelief that anyone would hurt her. I've hurt people in the past, things that I will regret to my death. I hoped April would help me turn my life around.

I found myself in my bathroom, holding scissors.

The scissors lifted a curtain of sandy hair, the main attraction, and my light green eyes. Leaving a pile on the floor, because I was tired of looking like a serial killer.

"Why are you cutting your hair?”

I turned to see April.

"It was too long!”

"I liked it.”

"I thought it made me look scary.”

"Everybody makes mistakes, people shouldn't judge ."

"I know but.”

"I don't care Graham."

"I hope you'll be happy here April."

"Me too."

Part two:

Later that night, I went to bed. I had to work early the next day. April was asleep in her room. She was a little scared. But I told her not to worry, I was right down the hall. She sighed and agreed. Early the next day, I awoke for my job. Before leaving, I checked on my April. She was fast asleep, where I left her. I locked the door tightly to our apartment. You know, just in case. I'm an auto mechanic. It's a decent job. I'm hoping to find a better job. I want to support April and myself, she deserves a better life. My arms were covered in oil by noon, which is my break time. I decided to call April. I dialed my number, hoping she’d answer.

"Hello?”

"April it's Graham, are you ok?”

"Yeah, why?”

"Ok good, just checking. I'll be home at five. Then we can have some fun.”

She said ok.

I smiled and hung up the phone.

......

Once home, April waved at me.

“Hi Graham!”

“Hungry April?”

A sudden knock on the door startled me.

"Christ, that scared me.”

"I'll get it!” April rushed to the door.

"Wait for me April!”

April opened the door, and hardly uttered hello. Before I pushed her behind me. It was Cheryl, director of the guardians, carrying a clipboard. She raised a slim eyebrow.

"Hello Graham, nice haircut!”

"Hi Cheryl, thanks.”

Her gaze locked on mine, her eyes sparkling.

She was probably here for to test me, to see if I was ideal for April.

The idea scared me, what would she think? April hugged Cheryl tightly, her voice giddy with happiness. "I missed you.”

"Me too April."

We ate dinner together, a talkative event.

“So April, excited for school?”

April looked downwards.

"I'm worried kids won't like me.” April said quietly.

"Nonsense April!” I put my arm around her.

"I never had any friends.”

“You can still make friends!” Cheryl whispered.

"Yes, I'm scared though.”

For a moment, I saw myself in April, my ten-year-old self.

When I was little, I was always alone. At school, all the kids picked on me. My grades were flawless, and I was isolated because of it. That was my whole existence, keeping straight A’s. It may seem strange, but my parents are wealthy. Sometimes, it's like they forgot I existed.

Finally, I snapped. We fought, and they kicked me out.

And it was downhill from there.

I could have gone to Juilliard, but life got in the way.

April’s voice broke my thoughts.

"I hope to join the soccer team.”

I put my hand on her shoulder. "That's great April, do you play"?

"Yeah, I'm pretty good.”

"Then you'll make friends.”

After dinner, Cheryl sat with us and drank tea. April sat next to me on the couch. Cheryl sat across from us, smiling at me with brightly. We all jumped at the first crack of thunder, which escalated to pouring rain. April was very alarmed, and she screamed.

“It’s alright April.”

"How am I going to get home now?” Cheryl sighed.

"You can stay until it passes.”

"Really Graham?”

"Yeah."

"How sweet, thank you Graham.”

April lifted her head. "Graham, what are we going to do?”

"I'll play piano.”

I got up, and walked over to a shape covered by a dirty sheet.

With a swift tug, the sheet revealed a baby grand. Man, It's been years since I played.

It's just too painful. The memories always came back. But I can’t hide forever.

"Any requests ladies?” I asked as I sat on the bench.

"Where's the sheet music"? April asked.

I looked up and pointed to my head.

“In my memory.”

April smiled and sat next to me. My fingers brushed the keys, tapping out a piece I had memorized. I forgot how therapeutic playing the piano was. Each key another morphine shot. I was in a melodic trance, the music drowning out everything else. The playing just came naturally to me. For a full hour I kept playing, without any break.

I stopped, when Cheryl patted my shoulder.

"The storm passed.”

"All right, I'll walk you down".

April hugged Cheryl goodbye. "See you soon honey!”

We stood in the elevator with a quiet hum surrounding us.

"April's a wonderful girl.” I said finally.

Cheryl nodded. "And you’re an extraordinary man.”

"Thanks.” I stammered. (Hardly)

"I can tell.”

"I'm not superman.”

"You don't need a cape. You're already a hero to April.”

I was speechless as I escorted her out. But I managed this.

"Thanks for believing in me.” (Nobody ever did )

She nodded and drove off into the night.

When I got back, April was sprawled out on the couch. April was awake, but very tired. I took a wool blanket and covered her.

"Are you comfortable April?”

"Yeah.”

She closed her eyes and drifted off. I didn't have the heart to move her. She seemed peaceful the way she was. So I went to bed like normal. A few hours later, I heard a cry. Panicked, I jumped out of bed and ran to the couch. April was crying and hyperventilating. Her hands on her ears, I sat next to her. She was rocking back and fourth like a baby.

"April?”

She jumped, like I was a cobra. April has post-traumatic stress disorder. The poor thing will always live in fear, an endless pool of terror. I got up and returned with my guitar.

I began strumming my favorite song. As if by magic, she began to calm down. I kept strumming and singing softly until she was calm. "Your voice is so soothing.”

"Thanks buttercup, and don't worry. I will always be here, it's alright.”

"I'm just so scared". April whispered

"Don't be, I'll never hurt you.”

"Promise?" April asked me.

"I promise."

Part 3:

"I don't want to!” April muttered to me.

I laughed. "School is not that bad.”

"Says you.” She pouted

"I'll see you later, go and try to make friends!”

April slowly entered the school.

"Great feeling isn't it?” A voice alarmed me.

I turned to see a plump woman, with a wide smile.

"Ah yes, she's nervous.”

"Are you her older brother?" (Understandable, since I'm only twenty-six)

"I'm her foster parent.”

"Oh, how nice.”

I ended up talking to this nice lady.

"When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a dad. That's how I found her.”

"What made you pick that group?” The woman asked me.

I looked at the sky. Remembering that rainy day two years ago, the day where I wanted to turn my life around. Make it right. After I realized I was working for the devil.

"It was the day when my life was out of control. My fiancée turned out to be a heartless liar. She was cheating on me, and we were in the car arguing. She was driving, and I told her I was done with her and life. I was so in love with her, and she was going make all the bad I've done go away. But she made it worse. So that night I found a closed bridge, and attempted suicide. You see, I have depression and I....just lost it. So, that's when a voice alerted me, a man. He said, don't do it son. He talked to me for an hour, turned out he was from The Guardians. He told me I could live, and adopt a child who needed me. And that's how I got April".

The woman had a hand on me.

"Your a strong man.”

"Thanks.”

••••

Later I was at the mechanic shop, when April came in.

"Hey how was school?”

"Great, I made a friend!”

"I knew you would.”

April sat on an old desk sipping a root beer, while I worked on a sedan.

The phone rang, and I went to get it.

"Hello?”

"Hey man it's me.” A quiver went through me.

"What do you want?”

"We're getting together, and we have some unfinished business."

A buried trove of secrets began surfacing.

"Hey listen, I don't do that anymore.”

"So, suddenly you’re the angel Gabriel?”

"Yes I'm done, it's behind me.”

"Oh yeah?” His voice sent shivers through me.

"Somebody needs me.”

“Oh really, who?”

“A child I adopted.”

"You have a kid?”

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do!”

"Would she like a visit from me"?

"If you go near her, I swear!”

"Swear what?”

I lowered my voice "I'll kill you with my bare hands.”

He knew I meant it, because I could.

"You'll hear from me again Graham.”

The terror struck me.

"I’ll be ready.”

The phone went silent, and I began to breath heavily. The fear and sadness crept back into me.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and jumped. Relieved to see a harmless woman.

"I'm here about my car!”

I took the lady and showed her what was wrong. A cold sweat covered me. I was clearly shaking all over. Unable to hide the unsettling fear inside me.

"So your car needed an oil change."

I was surprised when my voice cracked.

"Are you okay young man? Your face is white!"

"Not really.”

"Graham what's wrong"? April was standing next to me.

I NEVER tell a lie, because I think the truth is important. So I was unsure at the moment.

My boss came over and told me to sit. He handed me a glass of water.

Which did calm me down slightly, I began to realize I was scared of the past. Just like April was.

But April needed me more. I had to be strong for her, and give her my life if possible. (Which I would.)

April came and put her hands on my knees.

"We’re both pretty nuts huh?”

I chuckled and hugged her.

Part 4:

"When are you joining soccer?” I asked April.

"Try outs are tomorrow.” She put her head in her hands.

"I'll come .”

"Thanks.” She smiled.

After dinner, April fell asleep at the table.

The phone rang once more.

"Hello?” I half expected it to be Cheryl.

“Good evening Graham.”

A sickness slithered into my throat. "How'd you get my number?”

"Don't worry about it.” (I hated him so much.)

"Why can't you leave me alone?”

"I need a favor of you Graham.”

"No, not again.”

"Listen, if you do this, I'll leave your daughter alone.”

My eyes shifted towards April

"What do you need?”

"Meet me under the bridge at ten.”

"Fine.” I slammed the phone, and gently scooped April into my arms. I sat on the floor holding her. Fearing for what was to come. I carried April to bed, and got ready to go.

…………

At ten, I was in black and holding a flashlight.

When a group of men arrived. I held back all hatred, all my pain. The man in front grinned, and held out both arms.

"Look at you, you look fantastic.” His voice was cold, and incapable of remorse.

"Hi, now what do you want?”

"There's a body that needs to be rid of.”

"You need me to bury it?”

"Yes, if you corporate, we won't go near your child.”

"Alright, where's the body?”

Two men came forward with a body bag .

"So, how's the fiancée?” The man asked me.

"She cheated on me.” God I fucking hated him.

"What a shame, you’re a very handsome man.”

"Who did you kill?” I asked.

"Nobody important, she won’t be missed”.

I doubted that, this man saw people as mere insects. He valued no one. That's why I tried to get away. But now, there was no escaping. After an hour or two, the body was buried. I was tired, and covered in sweat. I quickly leaned over the dirt.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you.” I whispered to the unknown body.

Whoever it was, they had a family and loved ones.

"That's a good boy.” The man said, and he vanished with all the evidence. Leaving me to walk home in the dark.

When I got back home, April was waiting for me. Her arms wrapped around a white teddy bear.

"Hey, what are you doing up?” I asked her.

"I realized you were gone.” A stab of guilt ran through me.

"Sorry baby, I had to help somebody.”

"Who Graham?”

"Just a guy, now let's get to bed.”

I carried her to bed, gently kissing her bangs.

"I've never had a goodnight kiss before.” April’s voice was dreamy and soft.

"I'll give you one every night.” She smiled and fell asleep.

Sighing, I went to my bathroom. I stood in a cold shower, washing off dirt. I suddenly huddled on the floor of the tub. At first I was sniffling, then crying, because all the bad memories were back. His name is Dom, he runs a crime ring throughout the city. He’s powerful, anything you say, or do, and he’ll find out. I basically sold my soul, and he still owns it. I thought I'd escaped, but he had other plans.Why? I don't know.

When I was a lost teenager, he brought me in, giving me a home, in exchange for dirty work. We would go out, and I would witness slaughter. Usually, I would bury the bodies. I still have nightmares about it. I did other favors too, but I don't want to talk about it.

One night I was sleeping, and he came into my room with a gun.

“Graham wake up, I need you to do something.”

“What?"

“Take this, and get rid of the lying bitch downstairs.”

I was only seventeen at the time, and in a very dark place. There was a nice woman, who was housed with me. She was only trying to help me.

“Why her?”

“Just do it.”

I walked downstairs and nearly cried.

Dom was besides me, urging me to do it.

The woman stood in a corner, obviously frightened.

“I can’t do it!” The gun shook in my hand.

“I’m losing my patience”!

The bullet escaped.

I ran to the woman, and began to shake all over.

“I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me here!”

She patted my cheek. “It’s okay, you can escape all this Graham”.

That was the day I cursed life, and vowed to kill Dom.

April had to be kept safe. At any cost, I wouldn’t let him touch her.

If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.

Part Five:

“Hi Graham!”

April came running towards me, “Hey buttercup!”

She was waiting for soccer tryouts to begin, her hair in pigtails.

“I’m so glad you’re here!”

“Nice, now go show them your stuff."

She ran to the other girls, her pigtails bouncing. I smiled and crossed my arms. A few other moms joined me, asking me my name.

“I’m Graham, April’s dad.”

Everything was going well, until my phone rang.

I stepped away.

“Hello Graham.”

“What do you want Dom?”

“Where’s your daughter, is she the one in a white top?”

I jumped and looked across the field, to see Dom smiling at me. Two of his cronies stood behind him.

“How did you?” I couldn’t even speak.

“I know everything, my, she is a beautiful girl.”

My weakness broke through me.

“Don’t hurt her, please, I’ll do anything!”
“You better mean it, I could kill her in seconds.”

He lifted the corner of his jacket, to reveal a small gun.

I looked over to April, she had stuck her tongue out of focus.

“I do, please don’t hurt her!” I was panicking.

“Good.” He hung up and left the field.

I went back and joined the other parents.

Just as April scored a practice goal, she looked over at me for approval.

I winked and gave her two thumbs up, I was so proud of her. After tryouts, she came running to me, asking me a million questions.

I smiled, until I noticed Dom in the distance.

“April, we have to go.”

“Can I stay a few more minutes?”

“No, we have to go now!”

She sighed and grabbed her backpack. I took her by the hand and walked off the field. Looking over my shoulder every second. Until April suddenly tripped on a crack. I held her in my arms, and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

“My knee hurts.” She said with her arms around my neck.

“I know, I’ll give you a band aid soon."

I rushed up to our apartment, and sat April on the side of the tub.

She winced as I rubbed peroxide across the cut, my hands shaking.

“Are you okay Graham, why did we leave so soon?”

“Don’t worry about it honey.”

I covered her knee in a band-aid, and went to my room. I yanked a box from under my bed, containing a gun.

Incase I ever needed it. I then decided to stop by the store. I went into the living room and was greeted by April.

“Graham, lets watch TV together!”

“I will later, I have to go by the store.”

“Okay, I can wait.”

I left her sitting on the couch.

Suspecting nothing could go wrong. While in the store, I watched a baby laugh at their mother. I began imagining April’s future, and where she’d be in ten years.

My thoughts were interrupted and I picked up my ringing phone. I stepped outside and answered the call, only to hear the voice of my nightmares.

“Hi Graham, I have your little girl, she’s lovely.”

I could hear April screaming my name in the background.

The flashing signs of the city started to spin.

I completely lost it, and screamed. He lied to me, that fucking bastard lied to my face.

“You son of a bitch!”
“Now that is no way to treat me, now listen to me if you want her back!”

“I’ll do anything.”

“Bring me six hundred by midnight, at our old place."

“Fine."

It was eleven thirty, when I reached the dirty old building. The sight of it caused me to gulp. I made sure the gun was safe and hidden inside my jacket. My money was inside an old gym bag.

“Glad you could make it”. Dom was standing before me.

April was gagged and tied to a chair. She was shaking; tears flowed from her sweet blue eyes.

“I have the money, now let April go.”

“Let me see the cash."

I tossed him the bag, and watched as he nodded through the content.

“Very good, I miss having you here.” He said with a smile.

“You destroyed my life Dom, all that shit you put me through. You made me kill Hope. I could have gone to Juilliard, but you ruined everything.”

“I gave you a home, you were homeless, your parents kicked you out."

“I DON’T CARE!” I had finally exploded.

Part Six:

A bullet went off, I don’t remember pulling it out of my jacket. Or, the bullet that went in my chest.

Dom is dead.

I am finally at peace, with no more fear.

April’s safe, she’s with Cheryl.

I was never right for her anyway.

I hope she finds a better family, one with promise.

Where she be successful and happy.

I hope she makes the soccer team. I saw how badly she wanted it.

She is really good, and deserves a spot.

I was only with her shortly, but I never thought love was such a wonderful feeling. In ten years, she’ll be happy.

The bliss faded, and my eyes opened. A light shone above me.

I was slightly confused at first.

Was I dead? No, I was in a hospital.

A nurse came to my side.

"How are you feeling?"

"Where is she ?" My voice was distant.

"You mean the girl?"

"Yes!"

I was intent on seeing April.

"I'll go get her." The nurse left.

Five minutes later, April entered with Cheryl.

"Thank God, I was worried sick." Cheryl proclaimed.

"I'm sorry, it was all my fault." I said.

Cheryl shook her head. "No, you were so brave."

April suddenly spoke. "I made soccer."

I grinned "Awesome!"

I tried sitting up, but there was a pain in my chest.

“Careful, you had surgery”! The nurse warned me.

“I did?”

“Yes, you are lucky to be alive!”

I was, April and I both had dark pasts, but a storm passes eventually.

Cheryl kissed my forehead, and smiled.

The happiness I wanted was finally here.

April and I were going to be in each other’s future, and I couldn’t ask for more.