Scars

Wow kid, at thirteen, and you're writing like this, I just see an illustrious career in your future. Tunneling through mountains, tearing them down if you have to, but you got some talent. This piece was short and sweet; a very touching message of insecurity and confidence. I loved how both the main character and the woman both had names that began with 'R's, you're almost led to believe in love at first sight. The flow of the story was perfect, the most drastic thing that happens is a gust of wind that reveals Red's face, which was a perfect way to do so. Then how you went on to describe his coffeehouse audience as they finally saw Red's scars, then they went on to act like they didn't see anything at all, including the girl.

I mean, you know the stories good when all people can critique you on is the stories events. This piece, it's detail, it's action, and it's resolve are all brilliant dude. Don't ever stop writing!

JMR3

Hello there. I'm Rose, and I'm going to review this piece for you.

Overall, this is a good piece of work. You have a way of creating interesting characters without using too many words, a skill that I appreciate. I especially like your first paragraph.

"Red Granter lent forward on the counter, adjusted his baseball cap so that only the very tip of his chin was visible and brushed his dark hair behind his ears. The jittery waiter looked up at his shadowed face and coughed."

I'm not sure precisely why I like this so much, but I do. Perhaps it's because I'm so used to teenage authors portraying male characters as perfect men with sparkling blue eyes, startlingly white teeth, muscular shoulders...you get the picture. Reading about a male character that isn't completely perfect is refreshing. Thank you.

"It was her first day on the job as a large badge that blared out 'trainee' told Red, which she had tried to hide underneath a thick scarf."

There's something awkward about the way this sentence is constructed. If I were you, I'd try restructuring it.

"It was her first day on the job; a large badge, the word "trainee" stamped across the front, peeked out from underneath her thick scarf."

"But it was in that moment that everything changed, that his black baseball cap slipped of his head as a sudden gust of wind blew threw the door. He hastily shot his hand out to grab it but it flew out of his reach."

I understand that having your main character's hat fly off of his head is crucial to your story, but I find this a tad unbelievable. It takes a substantial gust of wind to remove someone's baseball cap, especially when it's crammed down over someone's face. I'm not quite sure how else you'd get your character's hat to fly off, but it's something to think about.

"He threw the door open, blinking against the cold. He tossed the hat back into the room, making sure that Reina saw it."

At this point in your story, I definitely felt for your character. Another reviewer stated that nothing really happened in your story; I happen to disagree. You managed to make me care about your character and feel for him when his scar was revealed. It takes a lot to make me feel for a character. You did just that. Great job.

All in all, great piece. Remember, if you disagree with my criticisms, disregard them. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is paramount.

Always keep writing.

-Rose

Hi cm57105!

Your characters definitely have potential to be interesting; however, they didn’t really do anything in this piece. I want to know WHY he’s deformed, and what it’s like to live in his skin. I want to know if Reina is going to be a friend, or something more, and if she will accept Red as he is, unlike everyone else that avoids him. Red is kind of mysterious, but I want more depth; for him and the waitress.

I like your dialogue. It feels real, and splits up some of the narration. I would have liked to see more of it. I would have liked to see more of everything. This story was a little short for me. You could have described the setting and characters more with the five senses of taste, touch, sight, sound, and smell.

I noticed some small things that could be corrected, also. The difference between through and threw, you may already know, but; wind blew through the door – Red threw his cap down. In the sentence “A gasp echoed through the noise”, noise didn’t make much sense. Diner, room, or something similar would have been better. In paragraph four, after “saw the mutilation”, a comma would have been nice after “mutilation” and before “that”. Just below that sentence, you have “Nearly” as one word or possibly a thought that was clearly part of the above sentence, yet abandoned by it. I would say move it up, or just remove it.

You tend to create some sentences without commas when the word “and” is immediately following. Example: “Two ugly white scars about six inches long where [Were, not where. Where is a place] wrapped around his eye, another one around the bridge of his nose [there should be a comma here] and a thin one twisting up his right lip so that it looked like a lopsided smile. And the second to last paragraph had an incoherent segment “instantly people snapped their jaws stopped and started chatting”. At the end, the transition from Reina’s expression to Red suddenly leaving the diner could have used some extra wording.

Overall, I think it’s a good start, and I would like to see you keep writing and improving. You’ve obviously got some cool ideas floating around in that head of yours. Thanks for sharing this one! I enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I’ll keep my eyes out for more of your work.

Kora

I like it. It's very well written and the description is enough for me to be able to picture a scene of a small cafe and the two characters, Red and Reina. You've given the two characters individual personalities which I also like. I love the part where you described Red's scars which I thought was excellent. It's an interesting short story and a good piece of work.

Nice work! Succinct and believable. Especially loving that savage 'Nearly.'