The mist drifted vacantly over the dark street, blowing it’s cool air onto the frosted windows of the desolate houses.I grimaced briefly at the shadowy surroundings; another in capitation that fate held.
A small part of me nagged with self-doubt, I mean, everything could go wrong, but my hate filled mine was way passed negotiating. I pushed myself forward; squinting in the light ridden street
My heart beat a broken rhythm against my cage like chest.
My body was at war, Fear or Rage?
I growled softly, rage taking a definite toll on fear, and I flitted forward too quickly to pass as running. My surroundings blurred, becoming a streak of colour as the trees zipped by me. My mind flashed to the numerous other times I had enjoyed the cool breeze pushing my tangled hair back, or the feeling like nothing could stop you.
I looked down suddenly, and a look of silent agony flitted across my dormant face, and I realized I had recalled how I had often thought of running into a tree.
It reminded me too much of my old life.
But, I grinned bitterly; I came here to destroy the core of my existence. Though the question still bothered me.
Trees tended to avoid me.
I frowned realizing the irony to this statement.
My legs flew forward with ease as my mind consolidated an array of possibilities of ending tonight, each worse then the last
I hissed, my idle memory filling me vision with rage.???I swept a quick glance at the impossibly dull lane, probably miles from where I had started. My hand instinctively grabbed the hilt of the steel dagger pinned to my side and feely I strong sense of reassurance from the cold steel weapon that lay in my grasp
I sighed sweeping a hand through my long hazel hair.???
I stepped forward into the road my hands palm up to the sky, and clsed my eyes.
He was here, I could feel it in my blood.???I
I took a shaky step forward, my eyes snapping open with open fear.
He was close.???
‘Oh come out to play’ whispered a cold amused voice from a few yards in front.
A small gasp emitted from my clenched teeth.
For a moment fear paralyzed every cell in my body and my mind went blank, my body slumping against the cold brick wall. I groaned my will crumbling like sand.
I remembered all too vividly the cold murderous eyes that aligned his pale face.
The grey lips that had sucked so many lives, the terrible power that exploded from him like an aura.
And I walked forward to die.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
Hey, cm57105, this was a really good piece of literature! It was very captivating and makes me really intrigued as to what happens next. As with all pieces of writing, there are those annoying little nitpicks that us reviewers bring up to help your writing become even more brilliant. =]
- In the first sentence, you use a lot of adjectives that I find can put a reader off. I've found that sometimes simplicity is best, so try to keep descriptive writing to a minimum and leave the rest to the reader's imagination.
- You seem to have a lot of random question marks scattered around at the end of this piece. I'm sure it's just a typo (I always accidently press several keys at once when I'm writing in a hurry) but check through your work thoroughly before posting as it can get a little confusing.
- I have to say that you have an amazing vocabulary for someone your age and I wish I could be that good with words. But the big words that you're using don't need to be in writing like this. More elaborate words are usually seen in speech, when a character has a vast vocab, or older books, like the Bronte sister's era. This one is just my own opinion on writing, but if you prefer to use a strong vocab then go for it and make it into your own style of writing =].
Nitpicks over. Now for what I really loved:
- 'He was here, I could feel it in my blood', I really love this bit as it makes the character seem very mysterious and makes me want to know more about her.
- 'He was close.' This single sentence is a great suspense builder. You know that something major is about to happen.
- Your plot. I can see it has some major potential and I'd love to see where you take this. Keep writing and I'm difinitely going to keep an eye out for more!
Hope this review has helped you, Midnight x
Hiya!
So, the first two sentences were good, but I think that they would be even more captivating had they been separated. And perhaps even spaced...so instead of: The mist drifted vacantly over the dark street, blowing it’s cool air onto the frosted windows of the desolate houses.I grimaced briefly at the shadowy surroundings; another in capitation that fate held.
It should be: The mist drifted vacantly over the dark street, blowing it’s cool air onto the frosted windows of the desolate houses.
I grimaced briefly at the shadowy surroundings; another in capitation that fate held.
or something like that. But that was a good start!
Okay, next, instead of: A small part of me nagged with self-doubt.
I think you you mean: A small part of me nagged me with self-doubt.
And I think you meant "my hate filled mind", instead of mine.
When you say fear or rage, I do not think either needs to be capitalized. Nor do I think your point comes across when it is written like that, possibly, "My body was at war, who would win; fear or rage?" or another version, although that version is actually okay, just because it can be confusing.
What is the irony?
You forgot a period: "My legs flew forward with ease as my mind consolidated an array of possibilities of ending tonight, each worse then the last" there needs to be a period.
I suggest you try at most two question marks, your question marks add more excitement/mystery to the story, but too many of them just makes it look unprofessional. Also there are times when you still added a period: .??? (four times you added a period. And twice you did not separate the "I" from the last question mark.
These are technical issues though, and if one looks past them there is a great story within! I liked the last paragraph and how you ended it, it added mystery.
Keep at it!
Thewritersdream
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Wow that was very interesting. Easy to read, and dramatic; I feel like that could have been an excerpt from a best-selling, teen novel, like "The Mortal Instruments", or something. I do think that you should go back and fix the errors, though, that way people will enjoy reading it even more.
Is this an excerpt, or a chapter? or...? I'd like to read more and understand the background better ^_^
Sorry, I wrote this in a rush, LOTS OF ERRORS!