Current Tides

Hello hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. First off I would like to say welcome to the Young Writers Society I hope you enjoy your time here. If you need anything you can always ask me or anyone else here we don't bite I promise. Anyway let's get into this Poem, shall we?

Overall I like this piece I am admittedly a sucker for more prose-based poems. On top of that, I deeply enjoyed the use of imagery it works very well. I Loved the fact that much like the sea and sea-based gods/goddess they look pretty but can be some of the most harsh players in myths. I wonder if any myth god or folklore inspired you because I can get an almost aphrodite feel from this. I can see it linked to Selkies or some other figure. Regardless, I greatly enjoy the metaphors and think they work well with the flow. ( Not to plug my own work but it reminds me of a work I have on here called Venus Of The Dead Sea.)

An art in a form of a deity

She resembles what I want

And she took it to meet me.

These lines really stuck out to me in a way I cant describe. It paints such a vivid picture and I adore lush imagery like this so that might be why. Using mythology or folklore certainly doesn't hurt my enjoyment either.

Now onto my feedback, This might be very short as I am not one to focus on rhyme. Instead, I will give feedback on anything that trips me up or confuses me and I could only find one line this time. As I tell everyone This is just my thoughts and I am not a professional so feel free to take what you want.

She really meet one with the water.

To me meet feels like an odd almost awkward choice of words, I don't know if what I would recommend goes against some meaning I didn't grasp but here's how I would phrase it.

She really was one with the water.

However, that's all I could see on the first reading good job. All in all, I enjoyed this piece and cant wait to see what you share next.

With one last welcome, I must say Keep writing and remember to drink water!

Hey there, KaeRae here for a quick review. First of all, welcome to YWS! Now, let's jump right into it~

Beginning:

Life is not all about repentance.

Whenever waves crash in the shore,

My heart, it longs for more

But then barriers were torn

And was cast upon my fleeting form.

I once met a girl, as beautiful as can be

She has ocean blue eyes,

Just like the sea

And I immediately knew

She would be my rose

And we would bloom together

Upon the dark night by the moon forever.

Love the first part so far; Your style of writing sort of reminds me of my own. The symbolism of the ocean is really important here, and you mastered the art of tying it all together. The rhyme scheme is a little scattered, although I do see a few words that bring it together. My suggestion would be to find a scheme (ABABA; ABBABB; ABCABC; and many more) and stick with it. That would help the flow of the poem more. I also love the comparison of the rose and blooming together. That is always so fun to reference in a poem; the growth that comes from life/love.

Middle:

She resembles ocean waves

And was delighted as grace

A divine being in matter

She really meet[s] one with the water.

And her eyes w[/h] ere deep

As deep as a trench,

And I was stuck lost beneath

Where I couldnt feel my breath.

Then the tidal waves changed

They had grown mad

I was shocked and sad

When had it gone bad?

Aww, this part is so heartbreaking to read. Sometimes love falls apart... Again, the connection to the waves, bringing you right back to the topic you chose. Spot on. How you describe this girl is so beautiful dare I say like a god. Divine, and so beautiful to look at. And then this sense of change. Really well written. I love the question that is posed in this part 'when had it gone bad?' It is something everyone who has ever been in a heartbreak asks themself, hence bringing in this relatable message to the reader.

Ending:

They said someone was greedy,

An art in a form of a deity

She resembles what I want

And she took it to meet me.

Then I said; It[']s not romantic I swear,

Im not gasping for air.

It[']s not love, It may be close to despair.

The sad note that you leave the reader with is so crazy to think about. How can love go so badly that it has turned to despair?? The way you wrote this whole poem was very heartfelt, and I can feel your emotions as you are writing this. Aside from a few grammatical errors, I can see nothing that you majorly need to change. I would also suggest making breaks for stanzas. You might have already done that, and I know that it is a little harder to format here, but overall, well done!


Sending love,
KaeRae