A Comment

Hey BadlyDrawnLightning, thanks for the review. "Sow" should not be "snow" as it is referring to the female form of a pig. There is a fun comparison to young, fresh, and strong yet expendable livestock in this poem. Thanks though. Also, thank you for the help with capitals. I don't think I will change it because I'm not using any specific form of poetry. If I were using a certain pentameter, or style, I would have. For now I am going with my creative license. Plus I hate looking at "i"s...it's just a thing that drives me absolutely off my rocker. Thanks again, friend.

Ooh, gruesome, I like it!
You have the ability to conjure great lyrical stories, keep at it!
There could have been some extra measures taken to ensure it "looks the part".
You should generally use capitals at the start of each line is poetry, unless you're going for a different feel, as it were, in which case replace the "I"s for "i"s, but I think the first option would be best.
Also, watch out for typos; (should "sow" be "snow"?) it's not much of a biggie, but you should look over your work, just to make sure you haven't made any little mistakes.
Overall, I really liked this piece; you should be proud!

so I liked the use of words you ha and you described the pain pretty well. The details that you went into were really good. So keep up the good work in that.

What I didn’t like though was that after a while I thought Okay, I get the point, you are in pain. So I got a bit board after I was half way through. So keep up the good written skills.

Okay thanks for letting me know and posting on my wall. I re-read that keeping it in mind and it did improve my likes towards this so I guess then Ill take that its cliche back.

I don't even know where to begin, when my mind tried to dissect all of this! You have the makings to become a very good lyric writer! This sounds like something The Mars Volta would use in a song, and I love them! You've got a great way with words!