A dark silhouette stood out against the gentle yellow light of the streetlamp. Scruffy curls create a soft halo around her head, left arm carelessly hanging to the side, a a cigarette burning in the other hand. Looking down, she watched the big hand of her watch move to 6 o’clock. And just like clockwork she could feel the change in the atmosphere as the darkness began to settle in the sky and the invisible veil lifted.
Tinashe took one last drag pull, releasing a steady stream of smoke into the air above her.”You know Marcus,you could’ve just asked me where I was going like a normal human being,” A large figure emerged from out the beneath the shadows and into the light. “ I figured you didn’t want to be asked” he said; shrugging.
“ So you thought following me all the way out here was the better alternative?” Annoyed, flicking her cigarette to the ground and turned back to look at the house across the street. She couldn't even remember the last time she’d seen the house in bright daylight and the image of the house in the sunlight was beginning to fade, but this was the best she could do. She’d been coming here everyday for the past 6 months and the end of a days work in the city and to get some time to herself for once. Now thats all shot to hell. Turning, she started down the street, acutely aware of her companion following in silence. Each house they walked past stood deadly still, standing only as tombstones acknowledging the lives that had once belonged there. If you stopped and looked long enough you’d be able to convince yourself that you saw something, a small flicker of light, a quick movement in the shadows. But there never was, it all looked exactly the same as it did the day she stumbled out into the street in the harsh sun and realised that there was no one else in her neighbourhood.
There had been no prediction, no harbinger of death and destruction, no possible sign that would have led to the end of the world. You couldn't even put a face or name to it./ The end of the world hadn't come as prophesied- the earth opening up below our feet, balls of lava launched from the earth’s core or comets falling from the sky as the oceans wipe out every city, as Nostradamus had predicted. Tinashe sometimes thinks that would’ve been a better option. At least they would've known what was coming and that they’d all go together. Even now no one had an actual idea of what had really happened to their loved ones
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
This is vary good,not only because it vary detailed but the story.I honestly couldn't stop reading this.I also like that female charter with the cigaret.I know i misspelled some stuff and don't remind me. I wish you would tell us what happened...great story.
Hello! Wonderful writing!
To begin with, based off of this piece you seem to be a strong descriptive writer. The first paragraph does a nice job of painting the scene for a reader. Also, you transitions from describing certain aspects of your piece to conducting physical movements and interjecting verbal sentences was very smooth! Personally, I believe that those transitions can sometimes be the most challenging factor of getting a piece to flow.
The piece obviously ends with a deadly cliffhanger so I understand the brief sentences about Marcus but I would love to here more about why he is following her and there connection.
I enjoyed the comparison between the empty houses and her lack of loved ones and am curious to see the reason behind this. I don't understand why Marcus is still alive/in the community, but guess that an explanation will be given in future publications.
All in all, this was a well written piece with a good cliffhanger to keep readers engaged. Nice Job!!
Hi there, thank you for advice. I usually have a really rough time starting things off so to hear this is so great. I'm definitely planning on writing more and submitting onto here! Marcus is a character who I'm just testing out and might add his POV as well.
Thank you again for your help!
I'm assuming this is the start of something? It's interesting, but it feels more like a beginning than a stand-alone story. It definitely makes me curious about this world, about what happened, and what it's like now.
There are a few things you could work on though. Firstly, you switch between tenses quite a bit. You need to choose one tense and stick to it. Also you have some awkward sentences such as "She’d been coming here everyday for the past 6 months and the end of a days work in the city and to get some time to herself for once." The first 'and' should be 'after', and the second 'and' should just be removed, with a comma put in it's place. Even then it still feels a bit awkward. It might help you if your read your story out loud, and fix things where they sound awkward.
Thank you, this is the start of something (what exactly I'll still have to let you know when i figure it out!)
Hey!!
So, I see that you are new on here! First off, I'll follow you and I hope you have a great time here! There are many talented writers and I am glad you fit right in and posted right away! I am glad you had the courage to!!
Anyway, I am going to go paragraph by paragraph here!
So, in the first paragraph, I only have one nitpick. In the last sentence, you put, "And just like clockwork she could feel the cane in the atmosphere...." I think it would sound and look better with "And, just like clockwork, she could.....". Anyway, I really love the beginning mostly for the simple fact of how much description you gave about everything. I really love this!!
For the second paragraph, when Tinashe begins to speak her first line, there should be a space before she talks. Also, instead of the semi - colon before 'shrugging', I would just put a comma. Other than that, nothing. I love this paragraph.
As for the third paragraph, you don't need the space before the word, 'so'. Also, after annoyed, I would think there should be a 'she flicked her cigarette......' Well, that would sound better to me, anyway. I really love the metaphors and description! This is cool and different!!
Now, to the last paragraph!! I love this! No nitpicks here!!
I only have a few more things.....maybe you should make this longer. It makes little sense to be so short! It could be long, meaningful, and it would be an awesome novel!
Anyway,
Keep Writing!!,
~Tiff
Hi Tiff,
thank you so much! I was so apprehensive to even do this in the first place so hearing this makes me really happy! I also really appreciate the breakdown review and the help with the grammar and punctuation!
I really want to turn this into something longer and this was the first step!
Thank you so much again for your feedback!
You're welcome and I always try to make my reviews meaningful.
I think It sound like a great start! I feel like you should add more to it, then it could be a great story!
Thanks, there's definitely more to come