She came too slowly, groggily stretching before realizing that she couldn’t fully move. With a startled realization, her eyes snapped open taking in her surroundings. However, she could not tell much by sight due to the dim lighting of the room. Instead, she turned her attention to scanning over her body. She registered a cool feeling around her left ankle and right arm and put together that these were the restrictions to her stretching earlier. Chloe sat up realizing that she was chained to the cold brick wall behind her. Confusion etched panic throughout her body.
And then the memories came flooding back to her in a whirlwind. At remembering, her first coherent thought was Alec. She had heard his screams for what felt like an eternity before her crying out that they leave him alone finally annoyed their captor enough to knock her out. She sat up too quickly, her call for Alec turning into a pain-filled whimper instead.
“Easy speed racer” Alec cautioned tiredly.
“Alec are you okay?” Chloe rushed out leaning back against the wall to stem off the dizziness, taking slight comfort that Alec was conscious and talking. Worry still rushed through her as she tried to make out his figure in the dim lighting.
“I’m fine, promise. Little bruised but it’ll be better before I’m married” Alec responded scooting as close to Chloe as his restraints would allow. They both had learned early on how frustrating it was that they were tethered just out of reach from each other.
“How's the head?” Chloe wanted to cross-examine Alec for a more concrete diagnosis of his injuries but suddenly a wave of nausea hit her. Before she could protest, she was emptying the small amount of food allotted to them each day onto the floor next her. After she finished vomiting she let out a moan against Alec’s worried cries.
“Well, I guess better now?” Chloe made a feeble attempt at a joke. “Honestly not that bad. A killer headache but I'll live, I promise. Nothing I haven’t felt before. Please though are you okay?”
Alec was going to lie again but knew the fear behind Chloe’s voice. Not being able to see much and having listened to her be interrogated by their captor before, he remembered how scared he had been not knowing where she was hurt during and afterwards. The waiting for her to come back to consciousness then and get answers had been stomach wrenching.
“Okay fine.” He started. “I think a broken rib, two broken fingers and a good gash down my arm” Alec admitted. “At least it’s the same arm as the fingers though right? I’ll still have a perfect left arm for you after all this is over” He tried again at joking knowing some days it was the only thing that kept them sane. He had long lost track of how long they had been here.
“How is breathing? Has the bleeding stopped in your arm?” Chloe inquired, the medic side of her alway curious to get clinical answers.
“Sore but again I’ll live I promise.” Alec assured her. “Feels similar to when I broke my rib waterskiing that one time. Thats why I think it is broken. And yes, I think he was worried about blood loss so the arm has stopped bleeding. He went for pain not for damage, its from my shoulder to elbow but its not too deep”
“Well there is just another reason we need to get out of her soon. We can’t risk your broken ribs getting worse or god forbid puncturing something” Chloe quietly commented lost in thought for the thousandth time wondering if they ever would escape or if their friends were still looking for them.
“I know.” Alec admitted quietly. Trying his best to hide the pain in his voice from Chloe that talking caused. Wanting to just hear her and take comfort in her presence, he ignored the pain. “I’m also worried about your head. If this is another concussion this will be your fourth. I just hope that Catarina will be able to heal you like before” Alec trailed off at the end exhaustion taking over. He had refused to sleep after his ordeal wanting to make sure that Chloe woke up. However, the adrenaline and pain from his latest interrogation was starting to become too much.
To his dismay Chloe, knowing him as well as she did heard it too.
“Sleep, Alec” she ordered.
“I’m fine” he protested stifling a yawn.
“You’ll feel better when you wake up. You have to be exhausted. Please...” Her pleading was what finally won him over.
“Fine. But wake me if anything happens” He replied. Worried he’d wake in this hell and she would be gone. It had happened a few times and the panic and anxiety had been too much.
“Of course. Now sleep darling”
Alec couldn’t hold back slumber any longer even if he wanted to. Before he knew it darkness over took him and Chloe was left alone to contemplate their situation again.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi ckk2118,
Mailice here with a short review!
A romantic short story that, as the title suggests, leaves me a little confused. But that aside, I am very surprised at the actual plot and meaning of the characters.
Alec and Chloe seem strange in my opinion. Strange in a positive sense. What I could pick out from the dialogue was a certain naivety between the two of them and maybe a kind of fear. But I can't explain why. It's striking because the main action takes place right there. It seems like Chloe is much more positive and motivated than Alec and it shows out from the beginning.
I like the way you open the story. Even the whole first paragraph seems really good and especially surprisingly refreshing how you put in such detail in the descriptions. It feels like a real opening of a scene. But also later on, between the dialogues, you develop a lot of details and thereby give much more information about the characters and story.
And that's the point I want to make; it seems like this is just a snippet of a much bigger plot that we have. Because I think it seems like it's missing a lot to build up a good understanding in the plot. I would even believe that it is indeed only a snippet and I am curious to see how it continues or how it started.
In summary, I am convinced that this is only a beginning and we have only seen one part of Alec and Chloe and I think that is the only point I have to criticise a little bit; it feels incomplete.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hello ckk2118!
I’d love to give you a review on this sweet story you wrote. You did a wonderful job on describing the couple’s injuries and establishing a bond between them. I really felt like I was there in that moment. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors that I’d like to address. The first one is in the first sentence: “ She came too slowly, groggily stretching before realizing that she couldn’t fully move.” The correct spelling of “too” should be “to”.
Another error is in the 11th paragraph: “ Thats why I think it is broken.“ Thats should have an apostrophe between the t and the s. A similar mistake is made in the same paragraph: “ He went for pain not for damage, its from my shoulder to elbow but its not too deep”. Its should be it’s and a period should be at the end. There are a few more minor mistakes throughout the story like this. I suggest that you go through it again and check on those. Otherwise, it was very well written! I do have one question about it. Will you be elaborating more on the story? Or is this all there is with these characters. I would enjoy reading more about them and their story. I hope this helps!
Violet Fantasy
Hey there!
I was really intrigued by this because I love short stories/stories with the theme of “love being what pulls people through”. I think you’ve established a really good connection between Chloe and Alec—the reader can clearly tell they mean a lot to each other! This is shown really well through their dialogue (speaking of dialogue: don’t forget to add a comma or period before the last end quote!).
This line is really important because it’s giving us information we haven’t previously known. It feels a little convoluted and rushed, though. Is there maybe a different way you could phrase it? Something more like “She had heard his screams [from the other room?] for what felt like an eternity. Finally her cries for them to stop annoyed the captor enough to knock her out”. Almost the same thing, just reworded a tad!
Also—I would love more context! Where exactly are they? Was Alec in another room being tortured [for information I presume?]? I’m also wondering why they’re there, what information they possibly have? This feels like you might be writing more, though, so I won’t pester you too much :p
This was a little vague! When it says “It had happened a few times”, does it mean Chloe actually being gone (like taken away for interrogation) or does it mean he’d just woken up scared at the notion she could be gone? I also think it might be kinda nice to have an example of what “too much” is—what/how did Alec react?
I think you have a really nice set up here! Alec and Chloe’s friends seem like they might be important characters. Like, Catarina for example! The little “heal” comment made me wonder if she’s some sort of magic healer or just a regular healer haha. I feel like she might possibly be a magic healer, because of the fantasy tag, so that would be really neat!
Overall, great start. I would love to see more exploration of this world & this specific setting where Alec and Chloe are!
I hope this helped a little, and keep writing! (by the way, if you post more, I’d love to read it!)
Peace,
~EternalRain
Dear EternalRain,
Thank you so much for your feedback. This is my first time writing/ ever posting anything, and ai honestly never expected anyone to read it. But to see someone spent time on it and had really helpful and constructive feedback makes me so excited! Thank you so much! I think I will continue working on this as it was just a quick idea, but I've been meaning to expand on it.
Thank you again!
ckk2118
Aw yay! Well you will find many people on YWS who are excited to read other people%u2019s work! Welcome to YWS by the way!! ^~^
"She came too slowly, groggily stretching before realizing that she couldn’t fully move."
*to instead of too, too would be used if there was more of something than usual or a 'me too' situation. Also this isn't a necessary thing, but you could take out *fully just because it doesn't add in anything to the dialogue.
"With a startled realization, her eyes snapped open taking in her surroundings."
Describing eyes as snapping open sounds a bit odd. Perhaps you could also rephrase the last part such as, *her eyes (description word) open as she took in her surroundings.*
"However, she could not tell much by sight due to the dim lighting of the room." This sounds kind of redundant. Phrasing it in a simpler way would probably help, like: She couldn't see much due to the dim lighting of the room.
" Instead, she turned her attention to scanning over her body. "
A comma after instead isn't necessary.
"Chloe sat up realizing"
Put a comma after sat up.
" At remembering, her first coherent thought was Alec."
Take out the remembering part completely. Just 'Her first coherent thought was/was about Alec.'
"She had heard his screams for what felt like an eternity before her crying out that they leave him alone finally annoyed their captor enough to knock her out."
If you say this aloud it sounds a bit strange and misplaced. I can't tell what you're talking about in the last part of the sentence just because you're trying to fit in multiple scenes into one large run-on sentence.
" She sat up too quickly, her call for Alec turning into a pain-filled whimper instead."
She just sat up a couple of sentences ago. Leave that part out or rephrase it.
"“Easy speed racer” Alec cautioned tiredly."
Comma after 'racer', put one after every dialogue.
" Chloe rushed out leaning back against the wall to stem off the dizziness, taking slight comfort that Alec was conscious and talking. "
How is she 'rushing out' if she's chained to a wall? And then she leans back at the same time? This needs to be more coherent.
" Worry still rushed through her as she tried to make out his figure in the dim lighting."
You use the word rushed again after you used it in the sentence right before.
" Alec responded scooting as close to Chloe as his restraints would allow"
Comma after responded.
"They both had learned early on how frustrating it was that they were tethered just out of reach from each other."
Early on? Didn't she just wake up though?
". Before she could protest, she was emptying the small amount of food allotted to them each day onto the floor next her. "
You switched to more specific words sudedenly and it interrupted the flow. I don't think vomiting needs to be described so properly, especially as 'emptying food' and 'alotted'
" Please though are you okay?”"
Comma after 'though'
"Alec was going to lie again but knew the fear behind Chloe’s voice."
*Alec was going to lie again, though he recognized the fear behind Chloe's voice.
"“Okay fine.” He started. “I think a broken rib, two broken fingers and a good gash down my arm” Alec admitted."
"Okay fine," he started, "I think a broken rib, two broken fingers and a good gash down my arm."
" He tried again at joking knowing some days it was the only thing that kept them sane."
Comma after joking.
"Chloe inquired, the medic side of her alway curious to get clinical answers."
Ah interesting, this explains why she's so worried about the injuries and keeps using medical terms. Pretty useful for her to be a medic and comes in handy while being kidnapped.
" Thats why I think it is broken."
*That's
"“Well there is just another reason we need to get out of her soon."
*Here
"“I know.” Alec admitted quietly."
You've used admitted twice already after his dialogue.
"Alec admitted quietly. Trying his best to hide the pain in his voice from Chloe that talking caused. Wanting to just hear her and take comfort in her presence, he ignored the pain."
These are considered fragment sentences because you're talking about the same topic yet you're splitting the sentences apart. "He tried his best to hide the pain in his voice from Chloe that talking caused. He just wanted to hear her(etc)"
I was curious that you listed this as a short story because it doesn't give context as to how they got there and why they were kidnapped. Is this meant to be a novel?