[pre]The wind in the willows
She sits and waits
for a song to come
to take her away
to a far away place
the willow place
the place where she sits.
the place where she dreams,
the place where she thinks up all these things
she told me the story
of the wind
the wind in the willows
is what she said
she told me a lie
of stories and such
and how she preserved it
all alone
how can you do that?
i asked in a shy
she smiled and said
my oh my
i cannot teach the ways
you must find them yourself.
and with that, off she went
to crawl under that tree
and close her eyes
in mystery[/pre]
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow. Interesting poem.
Overall, I thought it was nice, but it seemed a little choppy and repetitive.
Good first stanza, but adding "the willow place" on the end seems childish, somehow, like you're telling the reader something obvious. It kind of seems like an insult to our intelligence.
This is my favorite stanza in the poem. Rhyming "dreams" with "things," is very clever.
You asked in a shy? A shy what? Also, nobody says "my oh my" unless they're imitating an old-fashioned lady. Other than that, this is a lovely verse.
With some fleshing out, this could be a really amazing poem. As it is, it seems like a bunch of unrelated pieces floating on the riverbank. Try tying it together with concrete imagery and sensory detail.
Good job and welcome to YWS!