Published February 2, 2011
I have this jar.
It’s an old pickle jar. The once bright lid is tarnished and faded, the scarlet words standing out against the mustard yellow background. The glass shines in the light, throwing rainbows and shadows across the room. I had written on it in sharpie, a long time ago, but the words are all but gone now. So much for permanent markers.
I fill the jar with coins. I love the sound they make when they hit the ridged bottom with a twinkly ‘plink!’ Sometimes, for fun, I’d spill them all out and pick out the foreign ones, because I knew the coin machine wouldn’t take them. I loved how you could fill up that whole jar with coins, guess how much it’d be, and the machine would always spit out more than your hypothesis.
But now it’s just a jar with a couple coins sitting at the bottom. And whenever I need some extra change, the jar becomes empty.
What will we amount to? I feel like this is what we’re doing, you and me. Filling up our jar only to empty it, over and over. When will the jar be full? When will we be able to take it to the grocery store, feel anxious joy as we spill the coins into the slot, revel in the amount getting higher and higher on the screen? We make progress, only to lose it again.
There’s this game I play.
It’s called Cubefield. It’s also extremely addicting.
You dodge little colored squares, as if you’re driving, but if you hit one—too bad! Game’s over. We’re like that, you and me. Playing this game, going a little longer each time, only to lose it all only slightly further than before. Then hitting the ‘start’ button because, now, you’re addicted, and can’t stop, even though you know you’ll lose. It’s inevitable.
So where are we going with this? Make your move. Are you the queen or a pawn?
What will we amount to? Because if the answer is, “D: Nothing”, I don’t know how much longer I can play this game.
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Instead of "twinkly 'plink'", try something more along the lines of, 'high-pitched "plink"'. The only time you use single quotes is when you're already using them, like in dialogue. And saying "are you the queen or the pawn" doesn't run well with the rest of the piece, since it seems you're talking about slot machines or video games. Maybe, "Are you the dealer or the one dealing?" It would run much smoother. But a nice little piece, and hope you keep writing.
~Panda;;
Hey cjscoot!
It was short, but this struck me as flash fiction rather than a story anyway, so the length doesn't matter.
So. I think this was a nice little piece
I liked the plot. You did leave me craving to find out more though. Like who the narrator is and who they are referring to throughout the piece. The descriptions and metaphors were nice and made your story unique.
I liked the opening line too. It immediately made me think, "Okay. What's the jar used for? Who owns the jar?" You had me raring to read and find out
As for this part -
I read it as the fourth option. I.e - A: B: C: D: rather than an emoticon.
I like how your opening line is -
and then further into the piece you write -
I don't know if it was intentional, but I think it worked nicely. It connected the piece, giving it a nice flow.
Also, I felt like your MC was talking to me as a reader at some points and it helped me to connect to what was going on.
You have a nice writing style!
Thanks for the read
xDudettex
It is fascinating how easily you can interpret something metaphoric into something so odd and different. I truly admire that, and you should continue to use that strategy for later writing, and add an intreaguing plot. It would definitely surmount to something extraordinary. Keep up the good work!
Hi there!
I'm not entirely sure, but I'm fairly certain that you should take away the quotation marks and put "plink" in italics, to indicate it's a sound.
I love the beginning. It hooked me. Was nicely written. But then you get to this part, and it's so in-your-face preaching, asking the big, unanswerable questions. It disrupts the flow. Don't get me wrong. This is the point of the piece, after all. But I think that if you took away this sentence, it would slide into the rest more easily, and make it less jarring for us readers.
Okay, as a writer, you're killing me with the emoticon. We already understand the emotion of this piece from the writing, but the symbol is overkill, and kinda makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Please, take it out.
Now, other than those two things, this is really good. Really good. I love the way you write this, and I love the content. Like I said, you hooked me from the beginning, mostly because most piece don't start with stating that they have this jar. It's different, and it's good.
I love all the metaphors. They're good and for the most part not overused. But there is one, "the queen or the pawn" that's almost too common. I think your writing would benefit if you replaced that with something else, simply because it will feel fresher and less like you're trying to preach to us about our hopelessness. Because that specific metaphor is widely used when referring to power and strength.
Like I said, I really love this. If you have any questions or want another review, PM me or post in my WRFF thread (link located in my signature). Sorry this wasn't more helpful, but this really is good.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
I loved this short story. I couldn't find any mistakes and I don't see how. It was written perfectly in my eyes. The metaphors were excellent and I wasn't lost or confused anywhere. Bravo. c:
- Liz