Published June 24, 2009
About five minutes ago, I realized something that every single person has to go through ever morning, every single day of their lives. I was bored, so I wrote this:
Life vs. Death
On the edge of the girl’s sub-consciousness, Life and Death mingled. They played around with the pros and cons of the girl living or dying, while she ran around in the pink and yellow flowers that were the fluffy, padded walls of her dreams.
She rolled over in her bed, still half-asleep, the shining blade on the table between Life and Death. Death was close to winning, and if he did, the girl wouldn’t wake up. The flowers suddenly emerged into a tea party, and she sat down with Mr. Snuggle the bear and Winnie the Pooh.
However, Life did have a good argument. She was tired from arguing all night, but she wanted the best, and she had many good things about living, while Death had few.
“What will happen to her dreams, her future? She can’t have a future in Hell or Heaven, no matter where she goes.” Life persuaded Death with the loving tone she used, but Death still had his turn.
“She will be able to do whatever she wants when she passes on,” Death argued, “she can turn those hopes and dreams into reality.”
The girl snuggled her pillow close, as if she was hugging Pooh. Life was getting frustrated; it was almost time for the decision. Death was cunning and full of deceit; he grabbed the knife just as Life was about to reach for the ‘wake up’ button. Death couldn’t stand Life winning; he stabbed the knife into the girl’s side.
The girl woke up, with no recollection of the childlike dream or the rant between her life and death.
Looks like she had decided to live.
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I wrote this piece like this because it seems like whenever you wake up in the morning, you’re making the decision to live the day to its fullest and do whatever you can to make it good. So whenever you wake up, remember that you’re making the decision to be a happy, full person that day, even if it means you may not wake up tomorrow.
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well this is quite a moment. I don't believe I have ever seen sleeping be taken in quite that context ever before, but this is surprisingly working remarkably well here and I think you're doing a wonderful job actually building some proper tension here despite the somewhat silly nature of this dream here. You really can imagine the thought of death just hanging over this scene.
I like that you've gone and constructed this as if the very personifications of Life and Death are arguing it out somewhere within this person's mind or subconscious, it really ends up adding quite a lot to this scene now because with that we transition past simple imagination into a real battle taking place here.
Well that really hit us with some twists there. I honestly though it was going to all go wrong all of a sudden when Death pulled that last minute move there but it seems that life did in fact manage to prevail after all and I love that you've really gone in there for the full extent of a fight scene essentially for us to reach this particular conclusion. It lends even more to the story and has us feeling that much more happy at the end when the girl ends up living after. Its a beautiful little message here, put in a vessel I never expected to see it in.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The concept of this story is something I haven't thought about before, which is why I like it. It's original and thoughtful. I do have a few minor critiques though.
- "while she ran around in the pink and yellow flowers that were the fluffy, padded walls of her dreams." I love this sentence, because it's just a fantastic metaphor. I think that it could be phrased a little better though, because for some reason, it seems just slightly off to me. You might change it to "while she ran around in the pink and yellow flowers that made up the fluffy, padded walls of her dreams," or something similar.
- "The girl snuggled her pillow close" The word 'snuggled' in this line sounds a bit redundant, because you already used the work snuggle a little bit before, even though it was a name. 'Cuddled' or 'hugged' could work here.
- I'm not sure I liked the concept of the "wake-up button,' because you are dealing with such strong, yet abstract things, and a button here just seems a bit... amateur. I think, seeing how many other instances of metaphors and symbolism you have used, that you can come up with something much better.
- I was kind of confused at the end when you said that Death stabbed the girl in the side because he couldn't stand to have Life win, but she woke up anyway. Now, maybe this is just me not reading into this enough, or reading too much into it, but this seems like a contradiction. If Death didn't let Life win, and he stabbed her, shouldn't she have died? Again, maybe it's just me, but could you clarify?
- "Looks like she had decided to live." This sentence sounds off to me. It seems too informal for this ending, and sounds like a comment made by a bystander who was not introduced in the story. Could you possibly just take off the "looks like" part?
This piece is well-written, interesting, and makes you think, though it is short. If you make these tiny adjustments, it will be fantastic!