Published December 29, 2012
It was a cold December morning and I was itching to share the news. I had started my new project; a novel. I had spent the last six hours writing the first two chapters. As I walked into the kitchen the edges of the pictures on the wall were fuzzy. My hands found the side of the wall, pushing to steady my shaking legs.
“Can I tell you something” I asked with a small voice
“Mmhm,” she mumbled with annoyance.
“You wont tell anyone, right?”
“Nope.” She replied while pouring over her electronic sudoku.
“Okay,” I stumbled, “I’m writing a book.”
She snickered.
“Don’t laugh!”
“I’m sorry,” She managed under her giggles, “It’s funny.”
“It’s not funny! I’m going to be a writer someday. This is going to get me there.”
“Okay...”
“Don’t tell anyone!”
“I won’t.”
She then picked up her cell phone and began to type.
“Stop it! You said you wouldn’t tell anyone!”
“Whatever.”
“I told you that in confidence! Why can’t you just respect that?”
“Why do you tell me things if you don’t trust me?” She said with a harsh disposition.
“I,” I stuttered, “I don’t know. I thought that maybe you’d changed.”
She sneered and walked up the stairs.
“Book. Ha!” She scoffed on her way up.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
Alright cj2344, Louis here to review!
Firstly, I assume the format was YWSese’s error, otherwise I really suggest you fix that, possibly make things larger, etc etc. Now, onto the grammatical minutiae:
There should be a question mark after something, and a full-stop after ‘voice.’
Should be ‘won’t,’ watch those apostrophes.
‘Stumbled’ wouldn’t be the word I’d choose. Maybe ‘I said, stumbling over my words,’ would be more accurate.
That ‘she’ needn’t be capitalized, it’s a comma after all.
That ‘she’ needn’t be capitalized, again, the question mark is in speech. Also, ‘harsh disposition’ I wouldn’t use, ‘harshly’ is a better choice of words.
Same here:
Now, I don’t understand what this is, exactly. It works well, but as a part of a chapter or something bigger. Alone, it doesn’t quite work. It lacks description, characterization, and so forth. Why is it called ‘A Cold Morning’ and who is ‘she?’ and so forth. So, yeah. You may want to expand on this.
Hope this helped
~Ita
I'm really sorry i never got to responding to these reviews... exam week, plus I never received notifications from the server like usual... weird. Since it's been so long I'll probably PM all of you....sorry.
It's funny that you all said things about bigger stories and more expansion, and sure i posted this in kind of a "rut". The funny thing is that this is part of a much bigger story, life. More specifically, my life. (I'm a girl by the way, I never clarify that ). This was an actual conversation that took place in my kitchen between my sister and I. This conversation made me so depressed that the only way i could move on from it was to write it up as a dialogue. I mean... what would you do if every time you had aspirations there was someone who laughed at you. Not just some faceless critic, or even one of you guys... but your own sister. I've always had trouble with this, and I guess this was a way of venting... showing other people what it's like not to have someone you love support you. (I realize a lot of people have it much MUCH worse... just to be clear)
Thank you for your reviews.
Hey there!
To start off, I like your first sentence. It made me wonder what the narrator was excited about.
I did find a few things I'd like to address.... first off, what was the purpose of this? Honestly, I feel like you just wanted to post something, so you just made a little story and posted it. Not much meaning. That being said, as VeerenVKS pointed out, I think this should be longer. If it was, I think I wouldn't have said that this didn't have much of a point.
Now, you set up a few questions throughout the story...
- Who is "she"? From the context clues, again, as VeerenVKS said, she sounds like a sister, or at least a younger child.
-"This is going to get me there" - get the person where? This makes me think this is going to be longer, it's going to foreshadow and build up to a career, or some type of mistake that led him/her from being a writer - something more than what was presented.
- Why doesn't s/he want anyone to know? It seems as though s/he wanted to tell someone, then freaked out over the "she" telling everyone?
- "“I,” I stuttered, “I don’t know. I thought that maybe you’d changed.” - This sets up so much. You can really go somewhere with this. Why did she need to change? What had she done? How long ago was this? Her relationship with the narrator is key to all these questions.
- Your ending sentence, "“Book. Ha!” She scoffed on her way up.", left a lot to be desired. It seems like there should be a transition into more story. The plot needs to be better.
Overall, this really needs to be longer, I think. But still, nice writing style, and not any grammar/spelling mistakes I noticed, so good on you!
~ Epic
I'm really sorry i never got to responding to these reviews... exam week, plus I never received notifications from the server like usual... weird. Since it's been so long I'll probably PM all of you....sorry.
It's funny that you all said things about bigger stories and more expansion, and sure i posted this in kind of a "rut". The funny thing is that this is part of a much bigger story, life. More specifically, my life. (I'm a girl by the way, I never clarify that ). This was an actual conversation that took place in my kitchen between my sister and I. This conversation made me so depressed that the only way i could move on from it was to write it up as a dialogue. I mean... what would you do if every time you had aspirations there was someone who laughed at you. Not just some faceless critic, or even one of you guys... but your own sister. I've always had trouble with this, and I guess this was a way of venting... showing other people what it's like not to have someone you love support you. (I realize a lot of people have it much MUCH worse... just to be clear)
Thank you for your reviews.
Hey there CJ
I'm not gonna lie, I only chose to read this because of how short it was, but I'm glad I did. I feel like it's part of a larger story, and if it isn't it definitely should be. Well, that's mostly because if it's not, then there are a few problems with it.
One, you never say who 'she' is. I don't know if you meant it to be a mystery or not, but it really leaves you wondering. From what happens, I'd like to guess it was a sister of the protagonist. But, from the basis of the story, it doesn't seem like there's any point to hiding her identity.
And two, you imply that he's a bit... weary, in the beginning. Maybe he has some sickness we don't know about? Surely it can't just be because he was writing for six hours. Once again, this is information that's pointless to withhold from the reader, since it doesn't contribute to the story. To fix this, you can either expand on the idea by giving an explanation for it, or remove it.
Like I said before, if this is part of a larger story, I'm sure it would all make sense, but as a standalone piece these are issues. It was well written, and pretty sad, but still. You have a great basis for a story here, and since I haven't already, I'd love to read more of it.
So good work and keep on writing
I'm really sorry i never got to responding to these reviews... exam week, plus I never received notifications from the server like usual... weird. Since it's been so long I'll probably PM all of you....sorry.
). This was an actual conversation that took place in my kitchen between my sister and I. This conversation made me so depressed that the only way i could move on from it was to write it up as a dialogue. I mean... what would you do if every time you had aspirations there was someone who laughed at you. Not just some faceless critic, or even one of you guys... but your own sister. I've always had trouble with this, and I guess this was a way of venting... showing other people what it's like not to have someone you love support you. (I realize a lot of people have it much MUCH worse... just to be clear)
It's funny that you all said things about bigger stories and more expansion, and sure i posted this in kind of a "rut". The funny thing is that this is part of a much bigger story, life. More specifically, my life. (I'm a girl by the way, I never clarify that
Thank you for your reviews.