Published June 28, 2011
I woke up in bed, my head throbbing. Last night was a total blackout. I didn't know whose room I was in. I looked around in a daze and sat up, rubbing my temples.I jumped to the door opening.
"Oh you're up! Are you ok?" an elf girl half walked, half danced into my room. Her brown hair was streaked with blonde from the sun and put in two low ponytails, falling down to her knees. A small whimsical dress was fit snug on her body and the skirt layered dramatically. She stood in a feminine pose, legs together, one arm on her hip, one arm casually in the air.
"Who are you?" I was happy to hear my own voice instead of her squeeky voice.
"Oh no," She looked at me with her cute face, painted with worry, "You don't remember me? I'm Lexi!"
"What happened to me?"
"You had a major duel with sorceress, Aine Jenova. It was huge!" Lexi squeeled.
"Who am I?" I blinked.
"Your name is Zephyr and your the best sorceress ever!" she said, "We were in a magic group, but Aine blasted you with some pretty tough magic. Do you remember Tori, Bianca, or Stella? Or how about Logan?"
"Logan," the names rang in my mind, "They're all magical, right?"
"And you're pretty much in love with Logan," she giggled.
"If I see them I might just remember"
"They're dueling Aine Jenova though, so you can't see them"
How could I not remember my own magic team? I figured Lexi thought I was lame. Or worried....
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139,339 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Thanks guys! As you know I'm only 12, so it's teaching me more about writing. It's really helping. Thanks again!
I think this could be extented and turned into a great novel. You could also make it into a longer short story and extend the idea a little. I think it could be a start to fantastic story. Keep writing!
Okay, this was pretty vague. I think that you've got a pretty good writing voice, but you're not applying it very well. You don't really have much of a story. All you've given the reader to go off of is a hyper little elf-girl who really isn't all that helpful in telling us what happened. Another note on the elf: if they are really amazing sorcerers and they're doing major dueling, they're not going to sound that nonchalant about your MC losing her memory. She needs to be more worried about that. Something really important is missing and that is why they were dueling. Is it because they are enemies and are duking it out for revenge purposes? Or are they at a magic school and this is some form of an exam? We need to know about this. I understand that a your MC has forgotten everything, but Lexi should be able to give the readers the missing information. How long has she been out of it, because if her team was fighting the person that had knocked her out, it couldn't have been that long. For her to have lost her memory, it would have to be a longer time. And if the rest of her team was still fighting, why was Lexi there? You have a lot to work on here. Also consider expanding because the length causes some problems with getting the full story.
You just need to capatalize the 'a' in an.For grammar you only had a few mishaps that are easy to fix.
You need to a) make the comma a period or b) add something like 'she said' after it and then put a period. The comma after worry needs to be a period.
Make it 'you're'.
The comma after 'Logan' needs to be a period. 'The' needs to be capatalized. The comma after 'mind' needs to be a period.
There's a lot that you need to work on with this piece style-wise and grammar too. I think that you've got a good writing voice, but you need to learn how to apply it correctly. PM if you have any questions. Keep writing!
Cheers,
Luxe
Well, I took the time to read it so might as well give it a go:
To write good fantasy, detail is the key. The fatal flaw of most fantasy stories is the abuse of dialog. It sounds like you tried to be descriptive for the first paragraph and a half but then you dropped the effort. Secondly, the language was pretty out of place here. Fantasy generally doesn't use such flighty words and phrases like "It was huge!" (in reference to the duel).
How about a flashback? I want to know about the duel, so show, don't tell. Make it big and interesting. Keep me interested.
Work on it. I'd love to see how well this turns out
Pm if you have questions.
Veritas
hello there
just a few nitpicks
An "a" instead of two "e"'s in squeaky.
a comma goes between oh and no. and a period before she explains who she is, because it ends the thought.
This was a little hard to follow. There was though there, but it didn't seem to me like you finished your thought. It was also very bland, so i would suggest spicing it up with sensory details, or maybe flashbacks of the night before to make it more interesting.
keep writing
--Ash
Truthfully I didn't really like this piece, it was to dull for my taste. I think you should liven it up a bit, make it have more spunk! It all just seemed to plain. The words didn't grasp me and pull me in. They just kind of were words. Also there hardly any description. It doesn't hurt anyone to add details.
I do however like the idea, it has potential you just have to make it more of!