Within the first 5 hours of my life I was left to die on the street, not even a scrap of food had been in my mouth. I don’t know why but the Seven Lucky Gods blessed me with a miracle. An old man found me and took pity, he cared for me for the next 11 years of my life. On my 1st birthday, he finally named me Ling, which means clever and spiritual. When I was 11 ½ He suddenly could not work anymore. He sweated more, and sometimes he could not even get out of bed, he would even cough up blood sometimes. He would say that he was alright but he wasn't. Before I knew it the old man, was on his deathbed. His last words were “Ling, you are my pride and joy, always remember that”. One year after the old man’s death, I was still depressed. I worked the fields everyday.
On my 12th birthday, I thought for a very long time. I grew angry, angrier than ever before. ‘Why do nobles get a life of luxury, and not us, they’re people just like us!’ I thought. Then a thought crossed my mind, I sneaked to the nobles house. I somehow was able to climb the giant wall that was supposed to protect the house l and landed onto the other side. I could smell the scent of pollen, and the ground was soft with fresh grass. It was the most beautiful thing I ever seen. I sat at the foot of a tall cherry tree. I must have closed my eyes and fallen asleep, because I don’t remember much before I heard a sound of someone running. Instinctively I hid behind a bush and watched, a young girl that looked about a year older than me in red and gold clothes (which represented luck), was running towards the shrine that was for one of the Seven lucky Gods, Ebisu. “Thank the Gods, they're gone” I heard her say, she sat down and pulled out a black book from her pocket and started reading. When I started to sneak away, I stepped on a stick and cracked it, I cringed hoping the girl did not hear me, unfortunately she heard me. She walked towards the bushes I was hiding in and she found me. I went down on my knees and said “I’m so sorry! I’m sorry! give me any punishment I deserve!”. “Punishment?” she said, I looked up confused. “Punishment? why would I ever give you that?” The girl smiled “My name is Shuchun Fan, second daughter of the Fan family, and who may you be?”. “M-my name is L-” I hesitated for a moment, “My name is Yue Ling” the knew renamed Yue Ling said. “Well it’s nice to meet you meet you Yue Ling” Shunchun said, “Shunchun where are you?!” someone yelled from a distance. “oh no! that is my brother, you have to leave, unless you really want punishment.” I nodded and started to run away. “wait , Yue Ling!” Shuchun yelled, I turned around, “come again sometime”. I did decide to go again, and that was one of the best decisions of my life. For months I visited Shuchun house, and Shuchun and I became close friends.
That same year I ran away from “home” and became a bandit. In the beginning I was scared the first times I stole food, but later I started liking the rush of stealing. One day I was stealing bread, and the bread baker caught me in the act. Frozen because I was scared, and they got a good look at my face. I snapped back to reality and was able to run away, but that meant that it is easier to track me down because someone now saw my face. I had to run away, but before I could I had to tell Shuchun.
I snuck into Shuchun’s house and confronted her. “Shunchun I have to tell you something…” I said sadly. Shunchun nodded “(sigh) Someone has caught me stealing and saw my face, that means I have to leave town.” Shunchun looked shocked “Those this means we can’t see eachother anymore?” she asked. I nodded sadly, Shunchun just looked hurt. “promise me… you’ll come back.” Shunchun said, I did not know if I could promise her that, but something told me I had to. “I promise”, Shunchun looked relieved, suddenly I felt the warmth of her hugging me. “I’m going to miss you” she said “me too”. I left town and ended up in a small town besides the Yangtze river.
I would not see Shunchun in the next five years. In January year 1033, Shunchun snuck out of her house to meet someone. She went down an alley in the middle of downtown. A young man about Shunchun age was there, with a young girl. “are you… Hai Fu?” Shunchun asked. “Indeed I am, and this is Ai Fu. Are you Shunchun Fan, from the famous Fan family?”. Shunchun nodded, “So is it true? you specialize in finding people?’ Shunchun asked Hai Fu. “Yes, but for the right price” Hai Fu smirked, Shunchun took a red and gold bag of gold coins out her pocket. “is this enough?” Shunchun asked, Hai Fu looked excited, “yes, now who do you want me to find?”. Shunchun explained Yue Ling. “Hmmm yes, yes don’t worry I’ll find her.”
In a small town by the Yangtze river, I was running with stolen bread in hand. I hid in a alleyway and started eating the bread. When I was halfway done I heard an interesting conversation. “Excuse me but do you happen to be Yue Ling?” A young man asked an old woman. “brother! she can’t be Yue Ling, she is too old!” A young girl said. “WHAT?! excuse me but I am 36!” the old woman said. Before they could walk out of sight I ran towards them and tapped the young man’s shoulder. The young man turned around “U-um excuse me, you said you were looking for someone named Yue Ling?” I said. The young man eyes widened “Yes!! do you know her???”. “U-um before I say anything why are you looking for her?” I asked, I never have met this man before so why would he be looking for me? I thought. “oh yes, It was a request from a young lady named Shunchun Fan” the young man said. “Shunchun?!” I yelled. “Do you know her?!” the young man asked. “Um well, I am Yue Ling” The young man stared at me in shock. “Y-your Yue Ling?” “yes and who are you?” I asked. “My name is Hai Fu and this Ai Fu. “Ok, I’ll come with you, with one condition-” I remembered what Shunchun did for me- “You become my friend” Hai Fun looked confused for a moment then smirked “We’re all partners in crime aren’t we?” I smiled “Yeah”.
For the next three weeks Hai Fu, Ai Fu, and I traveled back to where Shuchun is. When we got to her house Hai and I went over the wall, with Ai standing guard outside. I saw Shuchun waiting by the pond. “Shuchun!” I yelled. Shuchun turned around and her eyes widened when she saw me. “YUE LING!!!” Shuchun yelled, running towards me. “SHUCHUN!!!” we both hugged each other. “‘I’ve missed you” Shunchun said “Me too”. After that me, Hai and Ai Fu lived together and went to visit Shunchun. We were almost caught sometimes, but how could you blame us? We are all partners in crime.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hi christitthething,
.Mailice here with a short review!
An original story that would best be described as having two parts. The first half deals with Yue Ling's beginnings and how she grew up and the second half goes deeper into her life as a bandit. An interesting development I must say, especially through the first half, where you could kind of still tell that Ling would be more interested in going in the direction of revolutions to do something about poverty.
Some parts I found very quickly written, especially your dialogues seem as if something had happened here, as if there was only a snippet of exact information about several situations. It makes me feel like we're seeing some scenes from her life. That looked even better in the first half, especially because you more or less dispensed with the dialogue in those parts, which developed a certain structure and also gave you more of a glimpse of Ling's character. It also gave her more depth.
However, I liked the dialogues. Especially because they seemed convincing in a way with the simplicity in which they were written.
Other things I noticed while reading:
I would write out the 5 because it always seems strange to show something like that, especially in the first sentence.
You could replace the double "sometimes" or restructure the sentence a bit so it doesn't come across as so repetitive straight away.
In summary, an interesting story with an exciting ending, as if you could expect to see more.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
I liked all the detail you put in the theft of the bread. But you could of explained more about the old man, such as his name and more about the disease. Also what is the girls back story and how she became homeless and her parents. Finally I had to say you put a lot of effort in a went into a lot of detail so my final score for your story is 8/10.
I really like how descriptive you were about when she was stealing the bread. I am wondering if you could say what illness the old man had. I am also wondering what the old mans name is. Why is the girl homeless also. I also liked how you said that she had not had any food for the first 5 hours of are life. I like how you we very descriptive. I wonder if you could show not tell a little bit more because that will make it a little bit more exciting.
I really like how descriptive you were about when she was stealing the bread. I am wondering if you could say what illness the old man had. I am also wondering what the old mans name is. Why is the girl homeless also. I also liked how you said that she had not had any food for the first 5 hours of are life.