this is my first draft for chapter one of black heart of fire. please review.
Not two months have I been working here as the kings' right-hand-man. Well, woman, and people already trust me with their lives! Two months ago my life turned upside down, never to be the same again.
It was the first day of summer vacation from Uni, and my family and I were absorbing as much sun as we could in the little land of grass we call a garden. It was honestly tiny! But what I didn't know - at the time - was that the sun feeds my powers with rich fresh energy. Let me just fill you in. ever since I was fifteen I found I could control, manipulate and create fire. It seriously creep'd me out and I nearly died from shock. And six years later I learnt how to control it (see burnt park for details). But that day was memorable for two reasons. First off I learnt I could burn people from the inside out, without even touching them - yes it stinks. Eurgh! - And secondly I my family died because of it. It still haunts me today for what I did, but it was truly an accident.
I was totally relaxed, all the while my internal fire growing stronger and stronger. It started with my little brother. All it took was for him to accidentally kick a football into my gut. As I lifted my hand to defend myself, the ball disintegrated in mid air, and my brother fell to his knees in excruciating pain. Smoke poured out his mouth, eyes, nose and ears as I felt the blood boil vigorously in my palm. Which was normal (normal for me) except for the fact that there was no fire present in my hand. The fire was inside my brother. Killing him. Hardly a minute passed before he was silent on the ground. Skin scorched. Dead.
My father came running out of the garden shed, and I misunderstood it for an attack and soon, he too, was forced to his knees. I stared into my mothers' horror-struck eyes as I turned to run away from the two corpses. To protect my mother from the murderer. Me. she pulled at my waist stopping me -why i don't know - and instinctively i grabbed her by the throat and to kill her like i had the rest of my family. Lifting her off the ground as her throat melted inside her, the whole time, begging the fire inside me to stop with all my heart. But when the battle was finally won, and I released my mother it was too late. Id killed her. My black heart sucked the life out of my family.
My eyes became two overflowing pools of water, the tears falling down my face and landing on my mothers' body, making a tiny sizzling sound. I ran out the gate as fast as I could desperately try to get away from it all as I ran into a field across the road. I continuously stumbled over my feet, but couldn't recover from the last trip as I braced myself for the hard ground to hit me, but instead, a pair of cold arms caught me. I looked up and saw a young man - early twenties he looked - seeming truly concerned. Of course he would feel cold to me. I always ran on a hotter temperature than others.
"Help" was the only thing I managed to choke out, as I compacted myself inside his chest, forming my own little safe birds nest. The man seemed to coon me, but mostly he stayed quiet and held me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there christine.
I quoted this section because I'm already confused by it. When you first started off with the words "kings' right-hand-man", I had the impression that this took place in the 13-16th century. But when you use the word 'uni', I tend to associate it more with modern times. The problem created here is that this could confuse the reader as to where this story is taking place. Establishing the setting is important as it helps the reader in interpreting why characters or conflicts would happen and what it all means. You see, there is a major difference between Medievil and Modern society (different kind of government, beliefs, fashion, problems etc).
For example, if this took place in Medievil times and the narrator was able to use fire, then he would be accused of something different than if the story took place in Modern times.
Alright, if the narrator nearly died from shock, then how come you've haven't shown it? Doesn't the narrator feel any remorse or regret that he has burnt people alive? Don't just simply state that the narrator nearly died of shock or that the narrator's death still haunts him as it doesn't make the reader want to care. Think it through deeper. Show it more.
Was he shocked because he now possesses abilities that no one else has? What about the possibility to harm others? Was it fear? Why did he cared the narrator cared about his parents? etc
Why was he relaxed? If I was the narrator, I would be experiencing a rush of emotions.
Alright, so you are showing the reader that the narrator is crying, except I don't really see why? It feels random to me, because judging from the diction and the details of what happened and how they've died as well as the lack of remorse and guilt, it doesn't seem like the narrator cared at all. It suggested more to me that the narrator actually got a thrill out of it. Think about it, if a person is traumatized about their parent's death, would they be willing to show everying in a explicit and detailed manner?
Overall impressions:
The biggest flaw that I found in the piece would be when you describe how the narrator killed off his parents. It was overwritten, excessive and ultimately pointless. I know that you are trying to express the idea that the narrator is upset because he accidently killed his parents due to his new found powers. But really, showing this in a much more subtle and simple way does a better job in reflecting the narrator's regret and fear of what he has done. Focusing more on the narrator's emotions and thoughts at that time would have helped too.
There also seems to be contrasting ideas in the piece that make the piece confusing and unconvincing at times. I've already mentioned about the setting part, but I have more to point out.
-How can the King and his people trust him even after what he has done? This doesn't make sense and needs to be made much more clear.
-The tone of the narrator is too upbeat, informal and carefree to actually reflect the tragic accident of the narrator's family. He doesn't seem like he actually cares that he accidently killed his own family, people that love him unconditionally.
Some ideas also tends to jump throughout the piece. For example, you said that he was shocked for having those powers, then relaxed, then upset. I think you can fix this problem by cutting down on the excessive and pointless details of how the narrator's parents died and focus more on developing the character himself. Show more of him being initally excited that he found out he had such powers (that's good by the way, recognizing that the narrator would be excited, but why) and what he did to test it out and how he discovered it, then focus more on the long term effects of having such powers (eg: Did he tried to hide it from his parents? Did he struggled to control it? Did anyone try to stop him? etc etc). Then, focus more on the present (what's up with the whole King thing anyways? That was hardly elaborated on at all).
Really, what is letting this piece down is the lack of clarity and elaboration of the character and his actions and emotions. You have a fine idea there, it just needs to me thought out more so that it becomes more coherent for your audience.
Good luck and I hope this helps.
Andy.
Edit: Didn't realize that the narrator was actually a girl. I guess it would help if you could establish that more clearly.
I found your story really interesting (a little dark for my taste)
but an enjoyable plot none the less.
. ( I like to know who I'm reading about)
And secondly I my family died because of it.
You need to take away 'I'.
You could put in more description, I have no idea what any of the characters look like
Other than that keep up the great work!
~Zanna
What does the second sentence have to do with the first? There is no apparent connection between them.
What powers? Introduce the fact that she has powers earlier.
First impression: sentence fragment. About the burnt park bit... what? o_O It sounds like an advertisement...
She doesn't sound like she's haunted by the experience. In fact, with the way she's narrating this and commenting on the stink of burning flesh, it's as if she enjoyed the whole thing and found it hilarious...
And the black heart thing just came out of nowhere. By the way, the way she killed her family certainly does not sound accidental. She meant to hurt them, and so she hurt them. Not accidental. Killing them wasn't deliberate, perhaps, but she still wanted to harm them.
How do you coon something?
As I mentioned above, the narrator was entirely too cheerful while recounting what was supposedly a very traumatic event in her past. While you tell us/she says that it haunts her, the way it's written actually sends the opposite message. I don't think that was intentional.
As for the plot, it felt quite a bit cliche. Tragic past: check. The tragic past being caused by the heroine: check. No living family: check. Mysterious guy destined to be the love interest who randomly appears to console the distraught heroine: check. Plucky (or angsty) heroine with fire powers: check. So, yeah.
Overall, I saw a lot of misspellings which I am not going to point out. Read through this more carefully, and you should be able to find them yourself. I also saw a lot of fragmented and run-on sentences. Try reading your story out loud, paying attention to where you naturally pause or stumble and punctuate accordingly. Just remember that periods have longer pauses than commas. Also, don't try and use trickier punctuation (like dashes, colons, and semicolons) until after you master how to use commas and periods; they're easy to mess up and abuse, especially if you don't know what you are doing.