Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Prologue
~230 YA
Everything had gone to shit. The former United States of America had stockpiled as many as seven and a half thousand nuclear warheads. It was only a matter of time before they fell into the wrong hands, and on July 4th 2020 a coordinated attack was unleashed upon the world power. The American government, as one of its last acts in power, released dozens of warheads on other known stockpiles around the world, and pretty soon Russia, China, France, Britain, North Korea and most of the Middle East were little more than glass craters. Not much is known about this event, but what is known is the aftermath, without the economies and produce coming from these superpowers, just about every market completely collapsed, and those that weren’t killed by the blasts, starved, died of disease or were poisoned by the combined radiation from a hundred nuclear detonations.
Chapter 1
Present day
Joan awakes with a start. It is still dark, she knows something must have woken her, it’s too early to have risen normally. She quickly becomes of aware of the breathing of something… make that several somethings. As her eyes adjust she finds herself looking down the barrels of several guns, owners each wearing a tattoo on their foreheads ‘The Beating Hearts’.
“Oh look she’s awake,” crows the owner of a particularly rusty sawed-off shotgun, an unkempt woman with one ear missing but several teeth still in place.
“What the fuck!” Joan exclaims.
“Oi, watch the language, or we’ll ‘ave to cut ya tongue off!” an old man with a sorry excuse for a Mohawk and too many to count nose piercings sneers at her whilst tracking her with a heavy looking pistol.
”I thought we were goin’ to do ‘at anyways,” voices the third member of the attacking party, a rather nasty looking boy with blood red hair and yellow teeth holding quite a powerful looking rifle.
“Oh yeah,” Mohawk deadpans, then bursts out laughing.
And with that, Red Hair stomps down on her leg and Mohawk smacks her with the butt of his gun.
Joan cries out, but it’s no use, no one else is there to hear and if she thought she might gain sympathy from her attackers, she was sorely mistaken. Literally. Her assailants, after several minutes of brutal beating, stop and strip her of her supplies. Her shotgun and pistol, along with several clips of ammo. Her hunting knife and leather scabbard. About two weeks worth of tinned food, fresh grain and other vegetables that could be grown in harsh conditions, and the usual assortment of pre-apocalyptic chocolate bars, soda cans and other preservative filled foods. They also take her small bag of empty munitions’ shells, the monetary unit of the wasteland. They continue to beat her, Red hair starts to carve away her clothing with his rusty looking knife, first her jacket, then her shirt, then came off her torn jeans. But before he could get any further, they are interrupted by the noise of and angered ‘Radcoon’, a monstrous, as was many of the irradiated creatures in the wasteland, rodent, the size of a large dog usually, and very dangerous.
“Oh, shit,” No ear says.
They shoot at it, which achieves nothing.
“Run!” Shouts Mohawk.
The sound of her fleeing would-be murderers, attract the Radcoon, following them and ignoring the prone figure on the floor.
Joan begins to cry softly as she drifts slowly into the dark abyss.
…
Joan awakens to the grey light of the filtered sun, beams of light trickling through ancient wooden shutters. She groans as she struggles to remember where she was, she remembers finding an old town, decrepit and in need of repair, yesterday after a week of barren wasteland. She remembered scavenging for anything of use in the old caved in buildings, finding nothing. After the grey light had started to become darker, she found shelter in one of the more intact buildings.
When she woke up she had felt somewhat peaceful, but now she was feeling cold, and sore. She suddenly realizes that she’s lying almost naked, she struggles momentarily to remember how she had come to be like this. Joan groans loudly as she recalls the brutal beating she received hours earlier.
Getting up slowly, her bones creaking softly, she walks around the old building. She looks for any of her old supplies, perhaps left there when the bandits made their hasty retreat. Alas, her search comes up short; it seems that her assailants were able to make with everything but her boots and slightly torn underpants.
Joan peeks out of the empty doorway to find that the sun, filtered many times through by cloud cover, is right above her, indicating that it was about midday.
She wanders out into the harsh, dry climate. She keeps to the shadows so as to avoid any more bandits or wasteland creatures. That, and she was naked. Not that she was modest, no one was in the wasteland, she just burnt easily.
As she was walking, Joan’s mind drifts back in time to two months ago.
…
Joan waited at the city gate. It was a big, bulky affair. No grandeur. All Purpose.
The City, Boyletown, named rather morbidly after a symptom of the devastating plague decades back, often held exploration and reclaiming parties. To map out, and hopefully claim back land and resources from the wilderness. She waited for the most recent to venture back, along with dozens more townsfolk.
The city itself was small in comparison to past settlements, but was a central trading post for the region, some three thousand strong in numbers.
The party due back today was exploring a dense forest, tens of kilometers East, yet to be reconquered by man.
A hubbub rose as several beaten and battered figures approached the gate.
“Look, it’s them!” cried a voice, lost to the din of the crowd.
The gate opened to let the morose travelers in, She scanned the faces of each man and woman, but did not find who she was looking for.
“Where’s my Father?” Joan cried out to one of the exhausted travelers.
“I’m sorry…” he said…
…
Her thoughts are cut short as she stumbles upon a gruesome scene. There lay the remains of whom she recognizes to be one of the Beating Hearts, Mohawk.
She wasn't sad, if anything she was a little happy, she hoped his death was painful and slow.
As she approaches closer she finds that his entrails are leaking out of a large hole in his stomach, his intestines splayed out in front of him.
She crouches over him and, careful not to get gore on her hands, rummages through his bags, hoping to find her old stuff. Unfortunately, none of it seems to have belonged to her, none of her clothes or weapons.
What she did find was the old man’s pistol. In poor condition and covered in speckles of rust, it was unwieldy and unimpressive.
Along with the gun, she finds a handful of rounds, and an impressive, if dirty, machete.
She finds several cans of beans, corn and soup (Tomato), and other preserved foods, no fresh produce.
Unfortunately, there were no clothes, apart from what he was wearing. Joan realizes she cannot go without clothes any longer, it would be too dangerous.
With detached disgust she pulls off his clothes, a shiver runs down her spine as she slips his jacket over her head. Blood sticking to her skin.
She steps into the trousers, several sizes too large.
She notes somewhat happily that the clothes seem to be padded, and quite stiff. Extra armor.
She leaves the dead man, walking out into the sun, no longer restricted to the shadows and rubble.
As she walks through the outskirts of the town Joan remembers what her mind was dwelling upon.
…
… “We were attacked” The leader says.
“By who?” a person in the crowd called out.
We had moved to the town square, it seemed the whole town was there, thousands of people had gathered after hearing that less than half of the explorers had returned. They were after all, celebrities among the common folk. It was rare for expeditions to come back one down, let alone half dead and limping along.
“We… don’t really know,” the same man said.
“What do ya’ mean?” another voice can be heard.
“We were ambushed in the middle of the forest, we just ran as fast as we could and got out of there, they split us up and picked us off one at a time. We were lucky to get out of there.”
They went on to describe other aspects of the expedition, new animals found among other things.
But Joan had stopped listening. She didn't need to; she knew her father was dead.
She trudged home with a heavy heart, tears pricking her eyes, but she refused to cry.
Her relationship with her father was strained, she rarely saw him, he was out with one expedition or another. But that didn't matter, he was her dad and she loved him.
So when she finally fell into bed, she finally begun to cry, and she cried until she fell into sleep.
…
The memory of her father had stopped bringing tears to her eyes, she still hurt, a lot. But she no longer felt the need to mourn, only to avenge.
She continues walking for another twenty minutes, then she stumbles upon an amazingly intact building. It was surrounded by a children’s play area, overgrown with weeds but still intact. It must have been a school, she thought.
She tries opening the door, but it is locked, unusual for a building out here in the wastes, she thought.
She walks back a few paces, then runs at the door. Bang! The door held. She does it again. Bang! And again. Crack! It caves and she falls to the floor.
She coughs and tries to clear away the dust that was thrown up.
She rises to her feet and dusts herself off. The inside was dim and dusty, yet it didn’t show the usual signs of raiders or bandits. It was neat and most things weren’t broken. Odd.
She spots an old vending machine, it looks intact and hasn’t been broken into, amazing, considering every other one she had come across had.
She walks up to it and finds that behind it was a doorway to a classroom.
In the classroom were the small bodies of long dead children, they were very well preserved, and they were at the doorway, leaning against the vending machine. They had been trying to escape when they died.
She sees two other classrooms and, opening the doors, sees the shriveled corpses of students in their seats.
Turning back to the vending machine, she kicks it, trying to get it open. Another kick, the plastic cracks. Taking out her machete, she uses it to pry open the door. The lock snaps and the machine swings open to reveal soda cans and water, bags of crisps flow out and she sees chocolate bars as well. Jackpot.
She cracks open a can of cola, finding it flat, if a little warm. She takes a sip, finding nothing wrong with the taste.
Opening a bag of crisps, she finds the chips are slightly chewy, but fine. Amazed, she reads the ingredients: Potato, salt, olive oil, sorbic acid, sodium sorbate, potassium sorbate etc.
She looks at the cola and sees the same case. Pre-Apocalypse people sure liked their food to last centuries.
She starts to fill her bags with the drinks and sweets.
Something falls behind her, making a loud crash.
Joan turns around, finding her face to face with the dead children.
Joan drops the can of soda and screams.
Fucking. Zombies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey! Here for a review!
Awesome idea you have here. Post apocalypse. Good enough for me. And the way you write is pretty solid too. It's nice and catchy. But some places could use some work.
For example, the flashbacks seem sort of off. Maybe you could make the transition smoother. Instead of changing the font and taking us back two months ago, you could just be saying it, showing Joan's feelings about the incident at this point. Then you wouldn't need the part about her actual feelings later on. Also, the bandit attack part sounded a bit cracked. Try reading The Scorch Trials by James Dashner. He's got some awesome crazy action in it. And he portrays it pretty well too. It feels real.
Also, maybe you could describe the wastelands a bit. Okay, yes we know what wastelands look like. But a little description just freshens the memory you know. It helps to make the story feel real.
steampowered did a pretty detailed review so I'm not going to go any farther. I just want to say, this story has potential. And you have to make sure that potential comes out.
Happy writing!
First of all, I thought your prologue read a lot better with the long sentences split up into shorter ones. I don’t have anything else to say about the prologue (since I already wrote a review for it) so I’ll skip straight onto the first chapter.

The first sentence of the first chapter (Joan awakes with a start) was a good attention-grabbing sentence, and the second sentence really helps add suspense. I loved the way you leapt straight into the action, without wasting time describing Joan’s thoughts, feelings, appearance, etc. meaning you’ve not only managed to grab the reader’s attention in the first place, but you’re keeping them interested.
The one thing I noticed in the first bit is that the dialogue feels a bit… jarring? I understand that you want your outlaws to have accents, but take “O’ look she’s awake,” for example. To be honest, I’m not sure it’s possible to take the “h” off the O in spoken speech, and in any case the apostrophes for the omitted letters make it awkward. I’d suggest you say, “Oh look she’s awake” and leave it at that. On the other hand, perhaps that “says” could be replaced with a stronger word, like “cackles” (just a suggestion, but I think it makes her sound more evil / crazy)
I don’t have a problem with the swearing in the third paragraph, but I’m wondering if Joan would have said the whole “What the…” given the circumstances. Perhaps just a single swearword would be more appropriate – she’s probably been taken completely by surprise. Either way, it’s good and adds impact.
“Oi, watch the language, or we’ll ‘ave to cut ya tongue off!” an old man with a sorry excuse for a Mohawk and too many to count nose piercings laughs at her whilst tracking her with a heavy looking pistol.
Is it possible to laugh an entire sentence? Perhaps he could leer at her, or, if you really want to keep the laugh, alter the sentence structure so it’s more like this:
“Oi, watch the language, or we’ll ‘ave to cut ya tongue off!” An old man with a sorry excuse for a Mohawk and too many to count nose piercings laughs at her whilst tracking her with a heavy looking pistol.
The next bit: “I thought we were goin’ to do ‘at anyways…” perhaps could be improved a little. I notice you used the word “quite” when referring to the rifle – this is a bit of an empty word and I don’t think you really need it.
“Oh yeah,” Mohawk burst out laughing. “Burst” is a past tense verb, and you’re writing in the present tense. Is “bursts” what you were after?
The paragraph beginning “Joan cries out…” shows similar tense changes. I don’t have a problem with the content of the paragraph, but you seem to have changed to the past tense, “they also took”, “they continued to beat her”, “before he could get any further.” This also happens later on in the second section of the chapter, “she was feeling cold”, “she was naked.”
There’s also a change of tense in your flashbacks – you start off in the past tense for the first one (that’s absolutely fine, given that they’re flashbacks) but by the end you’re writing in the present tense again. Either tense is acceptable in this particular bit, but you need to keep it consistent otherwise it doesn’t read too well.
I feel I’m going into way too much detail just on the tenses, so I’m going to ignore any future tense changes. You might want to review the rest of the chapter though.
“What she did find was the old man’s piston…” Do you mean pistol?
I’m sorry it looks like I’ve been ultra-picky, but I’m trying really hard to give helpful feedback. You have a fast pace, which is really good action-wise, and I love some of the repetition you put into the fourth section (after the first flashback) For example, “she steps”, “she notes”, “she leaves.” It works really well, and you use lots of short sentences, which I think’s best for the action.
In the final section, I really liked the onomatopoeia (for example, Bang! and Crack!) It added so much dramatic impact to Joan breaking down the door and was really effective.
The idea of the dead children was almost ghoulishly fascinating, although I was a little bit surprised by one thing: if some children were out in the corridor, probably being herded to safety by a teacher, why were some children still in the classroom? Perhaps they weren’t in their seats, perhaps they were queuing up by the door?
The other thing I wasn’t sure about was that if the children had been dead for a long time, surely all the food inside the school would be inedible. Soda might still be OK (I don’t know if it would have kept its fizz though) and the sweets would probably have gone sticky. I don’t think the crisps would have kept that well either.
I loved the last few paragraphs of the chapter – they were really effective. I especially liked the last two sentences (and the way you’d split them from one sentence to two) I hadn’t really had much of an inkling that there would be zombies but that gave it even more dramatic impact.
I really enjoyed reading your work, and I thought it was very dramatic. There wasn’t anything in it that was boring, and none of it was unnecessarily drawn-out. I’d been looking forward to reading the first chapter ever since I read your prologue, and it didn’t disappoint. I can also see you put a lot of effort into it – so congratulations! You should be really pleased.
Ok, thanks for the feed back.
I went through and as far as I can tell there aren't any tense changes anymore.
I also added a few paragraphs in the last section, to give a better layout of the hallway and classrooms, no kids were in the hallway.
As for the food lasting that long, the bombs went off/will go off in six years from now, perhaps we made a lot of advancements in such a short time.
Anyway, I'm really glad you enjoyed it and thanks for reviewing.
P.S. I'll be explaining everything in later chapters, so whilst things might not make a whole lot of sense now, they will later. Hopefully.