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16+ Language Violence

Write a conversation between two people that ends with the death of either one of the two immediately after the conversation.

by chickdoodle

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

“I’m getting really tired Teddy,” she chokes out quietly.

The sky is gray and cloudy, and all she could think about was how this all happened because of her. Laying in a pool of blood in the middle of the road, being held by her crying companion.

“You know, you can get through this without me.” Her voice was quiet and soft, she hoped if she stayed relaxed he could pull himself together.

“I can’t– don’t say that,” he sniffs. “I’m going to get you help.” He gently places her down and tries the walkie again. The static was not clearing, no one was hearing his cries for help. His hand lifelessly drops the walkie and looks at her. He gently carries her away from the road next to a secluded area of a building.

“I’m sure someone will come looking, we’ve been gone for a while.” She said hoping that it would cheer him up.

“They won’t know that we even need help. We’ve gone on runs for weeks before. I’ll just have to look for a car.”

She nods and tries to sit up, Teddy immediately stops her, “I can help you find a car!” She continues but groans when she feels the fiery pain of the wound.

“Don’t be stupid, you really expect me to let you stand up right now? I can get a car and we’ll drive home.” He stands up and turns away from her. He looks out of the building and tries to spot a decent car. All he sees is the car they arrived in, and all the blood and guts on it.

“Please, don’t go. I won’t make it.” She coughs, she is starting to become more lightheaded. “It’s on my stomach, don’t fool yourself. Stay with me.” He turns to her and she flashes him a small but genuine smile. Teddy sighs and forces a sad smile towards her. He sits down next to her and she gently rests her head on his shoulder.

“Hey, if this was a normal circumstance, I would have a sick ass scar from this incident, no?” She giggles looking down at her bloody stomach.

He shakes his head, but he can’t help but laugh with her, even in a moment like this she’s still his stupid best friend. “I guess so, since you were lucky none of your guts got ripped out.” After the words slip his mouth, his laughing ceases and he realizes the situation he was in.

Still giggling, she nudges him. “Lighten up, I’m not dead yet.” She looks up at him and when he looks down he finally sees how pale she has become. Her under eyes looked tired and gray. Her lips and cheeks are no longer rosy. Her eyes, however, were still full of light. It was like they weren’t even here right now.

“Stop looking at me like that. I’m not dead yet. I’m here with you and I’m happy.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t want the last thing I see in this world is you looking sad.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t protect you.” His eyes start filling with water but he quickly blinks them away and reaches for her face. He caresses it gently and smiles.

“You did protect me, I’m just awful at listening to you,” she quips, “you’ve protected me since the day we met”

“If I remember that day correctly, you pointed a gun at my face that day.”

“Yeah, well, I just finished killing a bunch of rotters. So, I was a little on edge.” She said, rolling her eyes. They laughed quietly, reminiscing the day they met.

Things start to get quiet between them and the sky is getting darker. Teddy gently holds her head as he moves forward slightly to grab his bag. He rests back again and pulls out his flashlight. He knows it’s dangerous since it’s dark and the room they’re in has windows, but he wants to be able to see her, even when it’s getting closer to the end.

When he looks at her, her eyes are closed. He can still feel her breathing but it’s light. He rests his head back and closes his eyes, feeling the streams of warm water falling down his face.

“Hey,” he chokes out, “you there?”

She mumbles out, “Mm- yes, I am.”

“You gotta stay awake.”

“I know, but it’s hard.”

“I know.”

“Don’t let me become one of them.” Teddy silently cries harder, he’s sure she can feel his breath becoming heavier. He can’t say a word at this moment. “It’s unfair that it’s you, but please don’t let me become one of them.” She opens her eyes, looks up at him. The pain is almost becoming unbearable now, she knows she will die soon.

She weakly reaches up for him and wipes his tears, and gently pushes his face to look at her. He looks down at her and smiles. He will smile every moment she is looking at him, until the end.

Tears are falling down her face, and she smiles back. He leaves a gentle kiss on her head. Their hands are now intertwined, “it’s okay,” he takes a deep breath. “You can sleep, I’ll be okay.”

She nods and slowly closes her eyes. Her breathing starts to slow down. Her hand becomes loose in his. He cries harder, but he can’t look at her. He feels her body start to droop.

He holds her tight one last time, and gently places her on the ground. He sits up and puts on his bag. It’s even darker now and he can hear the groans of rotters starting to come out into the street. He puts his hand on his knife and crouches down to her. “I’ll come back for you, and take you home.”

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12 Reviews

Points: 787
Reviews: 12

Mon Jan 23, 2023 4:45 pm
Thediffident wrote a review...

Hey @chickdoodle! Here's a review for your piece.
This was such an emotional and heartwarming piece. The words you used here were simple and concise yet the emotions I felt while reading this piece were so complex. It filled me with a sense of gloom, compassion and utterly melted my heart.

I loved the way you expressed the personalities and the chemistry between both the characters. I can see that they loved and meant a lot to each other. The bittersweet ending was everything. I adored every bit of it!

Although I loved this piece, I would suggest adding a little more to it, maybe explaining the plot a bit more for the readers to fully understand the gist from the very first line and to maintain a flow to it. Furthermore, I wasn't able to understand some words you mentioned here such as "rotters" while reading it the first time so maybe try explaining it a bit as well. Other than that, I absolutely adored this piece. Great work!

Please keep in mind that my suggestions are just what I think will make this piece better and feel free to not use them if you feel like they won't work. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about this review or would like another one. This was such a great read!
Love, Andy.

User avatar

Points: 250
Reviews: 2

Mon Jan 23, 2023 2:34 pm
ellyxian wrote a review...

Hello, I really like the concept of this story. The title alone holds a lot of potential and can go in so many different ways.

I expected the story to be sad because I like angst and I'm glad that it was. I like how it immediately jumps into the conversation in the first sentence and I was excited of figuring out what happened between the two characters as the story progresses because of the lack of context but this did left me a little confused in some moments due to the very little exposition provided (or maybe that's just me. Especially with the rotters, I was confused when I first encountered it and now I'm just realizing that they're talking about zombies or maybe I'm wrong? T-T)

I also noticed that you tend to tell us readers the actions or descriptions, rather than show them which makes it more quick and blunt, giving no time for the readers to appreciate the atmosphere that we are supposed to be feeling in the story because you're just pointing out things and not making us feel them. This is important because the advice that experienced writers keep on giving is to show, not tell. I can also see this in the way the girl (I just realized that she doesn't have a name) is talking with Teddy like her stomach isn't ripped open. And one could say that it's because she's pretending to be alright for Teddy, but realistically, it's still going to be really painful and there would be indications in her speech and mannerism that she is dying.

But despite my criticism, this doesn't erase the fact that I like this story and that there are moments I love like:
> The way her eyes still shine despite her body slowly shutting down
> The way Teddy will always smile at her whenever she looks
>These lines:
..“Stop looking at me like that. I’m not dead yet. I’m here with you and I’m happy.”

“I don’t want the last thing I see in this world is you looking sad.”

And the end was truly, really sad. It actually pained my heart when she was begging to not be one them, when he's telling her that he'll be okay :( and the last line just broke my heart a little more so good job on the angst.

I hope my review didn't seem too much. It's my first time leaving a review and I'm wishing you the best in your future works. Bye~

chickdoodle says...


i'm sorry that the concept of the zombie apocalypse was confusing! i was trying to be vague but it would be a surprise once the reader realizes the situation! thank you for letting me know that it was just confusing lol, i'll work on that for the next piece.

second, thank you for letting me know about being too descriptive on the actions or character feelings! i was worried about the dialogue not holding enough weight for readers to understand the what my characters were going through. I'll work on it and trust that the dialogue can set a scene really well without needing to over explain.

this was my first time writing anything in a dystopian/horror drama type so i'll definitely work more on making a dying character struggle in speech patterns more hahah.

the title of the story was actually just the writing prompt i found that inspired this story. i had no idea what to name this since it was basically just some fun practice.

overall, really appreciate the review and i'll work on my stuff more! <333

I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother