Published November 14, 2011
Turn on those lights.
You don't care.
Do you make them this way purposefully?
Do you let us see what we want--
So you can take it back just as quick?
These are your semi-sweet dreams.
They give a little,
But then, take all.
You love to mock,
Show us a piece of what we could have,
Before you remind us we can't.
Some believe that we can control you.
I disagree.
I've wished to put an end to them,
To have stopped these wonderful dreams.
Because I realize,
You are ruthless and without a soul.
You will never replay or resume
Anything and everything you show us.
These are your semi-sweet dreams,
Full of our deepest, darkest, most delirious desires,
Biting back the rank, bitter, woeful taste of remorse.
What you might think is semi-sweet kills,
It murders,
Those dreams destroy.
But what would you know?
You are just the creator
Of these semi-sweet dreams.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,727 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
This a stange and wonderful piece!
It is slightly confusing and would probably be better separated into stanzas. My favorite part would have to be the part where you describe the dreams as dark desires with a remorseful side. It might be a little wordy though.
There aren't any grammatical pieces to review, and considering that this is about dreams, I guess the whimsically side to it is going to create an altered sense of reality. Good job, and I hope you continue writing.
*thegreyreality
Hey there, chezka!
This is another good poem of yours that I like. It's raw and it is full of emotion. I like the 'It ends tonight!' feel of the poem. You've had it with this person and you just to show him/her your hatred. You've ended it quite well, with a slight and delicate twist, to show the impact that that person has had over the narrator.
However, I do feel that the poem looked unappealing because it lacked proper structure. Had you dissected the poem and formed at least three or four stanzas, it would make the poem look even more attractive.
You've made such good use of the grammar and the language, as well as the choice of words is good as well. A lot of adjectives have been thrown around and to me, personally, I feel it paints more of a picture of the situation that you are talking about. Though it can also sound very prolonging and repetitive at times, I still like it
This is a great poem and another job well done! Keep the ink flowing!
Murtuza
This is interesting, and it was so, so cool to read. I really enjoyed it. It's very well written.
I really didn't notice any errors with it, although I kind of agree with EvensLily with the fact that it was a bit confusing, but considering that it has a taste of dreams in it, I think it kind of fits, because I don't think anyone has ever had a dream that actually made sense.
So, great job with this! Keep on writing!
Heya!
I think this poem was really good, really isightful, lovely!
There is just one thing I don't understand... I don't understad what it's about. To me, reading it, it just seems like someone rannting on - sorry - but I think it would be better if you put the poem into a clearer form and structure.
Also a couple of lines in this piece felt just a tad out of place, the way you have written it is lovely though.
A really good head strong poem, be proud of it, it is a great piece of writing.
Lots of Love;
Evenslily xxx
Wow, I loved this so much... really interesting ideas. Usually I like poetry that rhymes but this didn't feel like it was missing that at all. I loved the repetition of "semi Sweet dreams" and the personification of our desires controlling our dreams.
The one thing I'd change is that I wouldn't use exclamation points on the first two lines, I think it would emphasize them more to just use full stops because that would force the reader to stop and think about them (thats just a matter of opinion though, so feel free to ignore me!).
Everything else though I loved. Really beautiful