Hello everybody, this is the edited copy of the first chapter of my work. As other reviewers told me that it shouldn't be the prologue I converted it into a real chapter of the story. Pleas comment how it is and pleas point out my mistakes and tell me how I can improve this. So, here is goes:
Chapter 01
Tim:
They are still not here, I’m tired already; however, this isn't the first time my parents are late. They never care about me and Kelly, my sister. I wonder if they really are our parents. But today is different; I have a feeling, a bad one. The environment seems moist and darker than usual and winds are cold much more than one could expect these days. It is already eight at night, for some other day it could have been normal but today there is something that has to happen.
It’s been more than half an hour since we are waiting outside of our building.
Though, I never care much about what people on the road do, but this man was different, he just caught my attention. His short but black beard was making me afraid of his movements. Walking here and there he was constantly looking at me. Heading towards me, he is heading towards me! Oh Tim, what has happened to you, why are you afraid of a stranger who has nothing to do with you.
Actually, now I think he has something to do with me, “You’re Tim, right?” he asked me.
“Indeed, I am. But may I know who you are and why do you seem so much interested in a kid?” I replied
“I’m from Police, as you've probably guessed, we people don’t talk to others much, and I will ask just one question. Have you noticed anything unusual since morning, anything which you find different from other days?” he asked once again
“Anything unusual? No there is nothing but of a police man talking to me. Now, do you intend to tell me what the matter is?” I insisted.
"This is hard to tell, and I’m afraid that I have to speak this up but you should know this. See, I don't want to shock you or something, and I know that you are too young too know this but still you should know this." He told gently, looking in my eyes, stress was very clear in his voice and the sweat on his face was sign of how much tired he was.
There was a ten seconds silence after which he opened his mouth once again, “Your parents are murdered.” I know that I heard it right but I still wanted the man to say it once again. I knew that there was something that was going to face today but it was like the ground under my feet suddenly disappeared leaving me into nowhere. Kelly was already shocked listening to him, for first few seconds it was like that she got paradises but after that cold pause she couldn't keep herself quite and she shouted, “Who is this man Tim, just push him out or here, why he is joking us, misinforming about our parents death.” I had nothing to say now. The man pulled Kelly’s hand and showed her his identification batch, “I’m sorry kid, and I have no intention to hurt you but... Pleas, I know it is hard for you, but...” he replied politely where at the end his voice also started to shake. I was just thinking about what I should in this situation before Kelly started crying and shaking as she cuddled me hard with both of his hand.
“What are we supposed to do?” I put my hand on Kelly’s head and asked the police man as if I had no effect of what he said few seconds ago. “See, this may offend you but there is nothing that I can do for you right now. For now, you should just stay in your home waiting for tomorrow morning. Someone of us will come and will help you, but till then don’t go anywhere not even to your school tomorrow. I know that it is not a part of my job to leave you here but pleas, understand this, I have something very important to do...” I stopped him before he completed his dialog. “Whatever, crying and groaning isn’t going to help, go do your work, I will handle it here.” I spoke holding Kelly from her shoulder and taking her inside the house. The man left as he was shaking like as he has seen some ghost or something, that was weird but what can one expect from a person who is leaving his duty like that.
Though, Kelly was young, she somehow controlled her feelings till we reached in our apartment. I was twelve where Kelly was ten years old; I knew that whatever is happening with us, we are too young for that but the situation couldn't be helped.
There had been 15 minutes since we returned to our apartment and Kelly was still crying in her room when we heard a knock on the door. It was Mr. Clark, our father’s very old friend. He was a smart and thin person with hair which were never attended seriously, although he looked very normal but for us he was always better than our father. He was exhausted, breathing faster than normal and his hair were straight as if he had been running in a storm for hours and had crossed the seven seas to reach over here.
“Tim, I don’t know if you already get the information or not but...” he was speaking when I again discontinued his speech, “We know.” I spoke. But he had something interesting that we didn't know “Then you should also know that they are not just killed randomly but they were murdered for a purpose.” He told me, but another way omens were already informing of the twist in time, I never believe in omens but they seemed to be coming true this time “I guessed that too, but what is the reason and how are you supposed to know that?” I didn't complete my words this time when we heard gunshots in the main corridor. “No time to tell you, stay inside and let me handle this.” He told us taking his hand gun out; he closed our door and went outside like the wind travelling at fastest without creating any noise, he was as quick as any superhero in weird TV shows broadcasting these days.
It didn't take much longer this time when we heard sound of bullet two times; we had no intention to follow the instructions of Clark. We also ran out of the apartment when we saw Clark half dead. “Tim, run, run for your life. Get away from this building they have planted a bomb over here...” he finished his last words in front of our eyes loosing his precious breath which made the environment around us hotter than ever. There was blood spreading down his body which started to spread all over the ground. We had no idea of what we were doing but the only thing we did was, we run, run outside and away from our building when we heard the blast quite clearly.
I didn't know what to do, so I went to a public telephone and called emergency telling them about everything but of our conversation with Clark, I also told Kelly to not to share that information with anyone. She was a kid but she understood it all well.
Police didn't take any time to find us another home and a guardian and the life was probably going to be better this time, at least until we are attacked again which I suppose was sure to happen in future. But there is one thing that is not resolved, what did Clark mean when he said that our parents are murdered on a purpose? And that was the string that raised many other questions in my mind. I was not sure of what I am going to do in coming time but one thing that I made sure was to uncover the face of person who created all this.
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
I apologize I found this very difficult to read. I did read the original copy before you edited it. One of the first things that caught my attention was how formal and educated the boy (Tim) seemed. Not that a well educated boy is a bad thing take Enders Game for example most of the children in the novel are very smart. I would expect Tim's thought process to be as intelligent as when he speaks to the police man. Another thing that threw me off and I had to read a few times to understand it. Let me be honest with you. I skipped over this part.
"This is hard to tell, and I’m afraid that I have to speak this up but you should know this. (Okay pause for a minute here...what? You need a comma or a period or something. Even if you read this out loud it sounds funny and I find myself running out of breath. lets continue) See, I don't want to shock you or something, and I know that you are too young too know this but still you should know this." (You just repeated the same thought twice now that's fine and all if you want to get a message across take Robert Frost for example. At the end of one of his poems he says "And miles to go before I sleep- And miles to go before I sleep-" This is stated at the end and its to prove a point. Unless is vitally important for the police man not to say anything but Tim needs to know about the death of his parents, then just take it out or replace it.) He told gently, looking in my eyes, stress was very clear in his voice and the sweat on his face was sign of how much tired he was. " (This part I enjoyed, although IF you want to make it better don't just state that he looks/is tired DESCRIBE that hes tired. There was a quote I heard once that goes something like this "If your character cries, you reader won't. If your reader cries, you character won't." As a reader I want to feel how exhausted the police man is and I want to feel the tension and the guilt and the pressure of the difficult task the officer has to do. That's what makes a good story. Invite me in.)
There was a ten seconds silence after which he opened his mouth once again, “Your parents are murdered.” (so your saying that as this police man is speaking to Tim, Tim's parents are BEING murdered. I think you meant 'were') I know that I heard it right but I still wanted the man to say it once again. I knew that there was something that was going to face today but it was like the ground under my feet suddenly disappeared leaving me into nowhere.(This is good, but again detail will ALWAYS make it better for example Tim could feel as though his heart has just stopped or he could be dizzy but I still enjoyed this) Kelly was already shocked listening to him, for first few seconds it was like that she got paradises (Okay what are you talking about?? Whats this random paradise? I hope you know that a paradise according to wikipedia ' is a place in which existence is positive, harmonious and timeless . It is conceptually a counter-image of the miseries of human civilization, and in paradise there is only peace, prosperity, and happiness.' did u mean parasite?) but after that cold pause she couldn't keep herself quite and she shouted, “Who is this man Tim, just push him out or here, why he is joking us, misinforming about our parents death.” I had nothing to say now. The man pulled Kelly’s hand and showed her his identification batch, “I’m sorry kid, and I have no intention to hurt you but... Pleas(e), I know it is hard for you, but...” he replied politely where at the end his voice also started to shake. I was just thinking about what I should in this situation (rephrase this I don't understand what your trying to say) before Kelly started crying and shaking as she cuddled me hard with both of his hand. (I think you mean HER and not HIS)
"For now, you should just stay in your home waiting for tomorrow morning" dont use past tense when speaking about the future.
“Tim, I don’t know if you already get the information or not but...” he was speaking when I again discontinued his speech, “We know.” I spoke. But he had something interesting that we didn't know “Then you should also know that they are not just killed randomly but they were murdered for a purpose.” He told me, but another way omens were already informing of the twist in time, I never believe in omens but they seemed to be coming true this time “I guessed that too, but what is the reason and how are you supposed to know that?” I didn't complete my words this time when we heard gunshots in the main corridor. “No time to tell you, stay inside and let me handle this.” He told us taking his hand gun out; he closed our door and went outside like the wind traveling at fastest without creating any noise, he was as quick as any superhero in weird TV shows broadcasting these days. (omg i think I feel in love with this passage, I really loved the 'omens' part. But this part was a little iffy "He told us taking his hand gun out; he closed our door and went outside like the wind traveling at fastest without creating any noise, he was as quick as any superhero in weird TV shows broadcasting these days." So he always has a gun? Tims not surprised that this guy just came up to them with a gun? and the wind traveling at fastest? what? okay if I were to write this I would say "He closed the door. I watched through the crack as his fingers dragged the knob shut. Light footsteps echoed down the hall followed by a crash of glass and the high pitch scream of a bullet hurdling through the air. Twice." i don't know just an idea.
other than that well done and keep writing.
Hey there, Flower here as requested, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. First off one thing that I noticed, is that you have no description here. You need this to make a story what it is. You need to tell what the characters look like, and you also need to give them some background. You havn't really given us any reason to be connected to your main characters. We need that connection in order to be drawn to the story, without it we find it dragging, and don't want to read it again. That said I will be to the real review. The things I put in bold or either improvements or replacements that would sound better.
Tim:
They're still not here, and I’m already tired; however, this isn't the first time my parents have been late. They have never cared about me and Kelly, my sister. I wonder if they really are our parents sometimes.. Never start a sentense with the word but, reword this.But today is different; I have a feeling, a bad one. The environment seems moist and darker than usual and winds are cold much more than one could expect these days. This sentence is also awkward. I would reword it. It's already eight pm , for some other day it would have been normal but today there is something that has to happen. Why are you predicting the future? Why don't you play out the story more in order to tell us what happens.
It’s Eliminate the ' in it's. The way you have it is "it is," when it should be it has. been more than half an hour since we have been waiting outside of our building. One thing that I noticed here is that you put all of this in present tense. This is a very hard type of writing to pull of. You have to word everything perfectly, or it comes off wrong, it sounds awkward.
Though, I never have cared much about what people on this road do, I usually wouldn't care about the man across the stree. This man was different though, he caught my attention. His short but Eliminate the word but here.black beard was making me afraid of his movements. How does a beard make you afraid of his movements? Maybe you should talk about the way his hand figets towards his pockets, or something to that avail. Walking here and there, and he was constantly looking at me. I would talk about how his feet then turned towards Tony and then Tony could give is exclaimation. Heading towards me, he is heading towards me! Is he really speaking? If so then it needs to be in quotations, and if that is his sister talking it needs to be that way as well. Also when a person is talking you always start a new paragraph as the speaker changes. Oh Tim, what has happened to you, why are you afraid of a stranger who has nothing to do with you. This sentense is awkward.
Actually, now I think he has something to do with me, “You’re Tim, right?” he asked me. Start a new sentence with new speakers.
“Indeed, I am, but may I know who you are; and why do you seem so much Get rid of the word much. interested in a kid?” I replied
“I’m from the Police, as you've probably guessed, we people get rid of the word people. don’t talk to others much, and I will ask you just one question. Have you noticed anything unusual since this morning, anything which you find different from other days?” he asked once again.
“Anything unusual? No, nothing but of a police man talking to me. Now, do you intend to tell me what the matter is?” I insisted.
"This is hard to say, but I'm afraid that I have to tell you. Stress lined his face, and dark lines occupied the areas under his eyes. His words came out slowly but clearly, "Your parents have been murdered." I know that I heard it right but I still wanted the man to say it again. I knew that there was something that was going to happen today but it was like the ground under my feet suddenly disappeared leaving me innothingness. Kelly was already shocked listening to him. For first few seconds it was like that she got paradises The paragraph that follows this, sorry I erased it, made no sense whatsoever. You need to reword the whole thing, and get it checked for grammer.
I gave you a general idea of what was wrong with this story, use this info to correct the rest. I think the main thing you need to work on is grammar, and description. Let me know if anything I said isn't clear, or if you need any help on anything.
-Flower-
That's great! I'm sorry if I seemed a tad harsh, but I really wanted to get through to you. You really need to take in the suggestions of everyone and improve your work every single time. There's no point in asking for more reviews of the same unchanged work.
Hmm okay, well look at it this way.
Every other comment says that:
a) The policeman is not very professional
b) The sister is not mentioned at all
c) The policeman telling them that their parents have been murdered and then expecting them to walk home by themselves is not realistic
Think about these points and change your plot to reflect the suggestions.
a) Make the policeman more professional.
b) Mention the sister more - what were the two children doing while they were waiting for their parents? Were they talking? Playing some sort of game? Singing to pass the time? Describe what the sister looks like, describe what the main character looks like.
c) Change this so that the policeman doesn't randomly go off somewhere, but escorts them home.
Simple things that will make your story better, seem more realistic and rewriting it will give you a sense of satisfaction.
It should help somewhat. The problem I think you're having is know what you want to say, and writing it the way it is in your mind. You have to understand that not everyone can read your mind. You need to explain and describe the things in your story to the reader - we can't know what was in your mind when you wrote the story.
The exercise should show you how to structure sentences to be interesting and concise.
Wish you the best of luck, Chetan, and don't forget to ask us to review your work again in our WRFF thread when you've edited your story a whole lot.
- Jai
Hey! Thanks Jai. At first, I thought twice about the review you gave but now, I think I'm pretty much understanding what you meant. You helped me a lot. About the plot, yes it's true, I'm not able to fix it as per the comments I received but I will try to fix this problem, however, till now I don't have any idea how to do that. But I'm going to try the exercise you told me about, I hope it works.
I will try my best to fix the problems you mentioned.
-Chetan
Hey Chetan, Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers.
First, just quickly, "pleas" is the plural of "plea", as in, "My plea is that you keep me alive.". Continuing this example, "pleas" would be used like this, "His pleas went by unnoticed.". The word you are looking for, is "please", as in "Could you please review my work?". It's a small error, but I thought I should explain it, seeing as the English language is so hard to learn.
I really wish I could read this in the language you wrote it in originally. To me it seems as if, while you have a good grasp of the English language, things are out of order within your sentences and you need to work on your syntax a little bit. You have also written this in a report type of format, as if everything has already happened, and you don't care about what is happening. That type of style is hard for a reader to follow.
Anyway, that's what I noticed before I even started reading, so here's my blow-by-blow review.
Generally if you're writing this story in only two or so points of view, you don't need to state what view it is in. If you have more characters in first person points of view, like more than three, I would question if you need that many points of view.
This is what I was talking about earlier. This sentence just doesn't flow. To some extent, it doesn't even make sense. All you have to do is do a little bit of rearranging/substitution when you think a sentence doesn't sound as good as it should:
"They never care about my sister, Kelly, and I."
Hmm, this seems a bit odd. Also, once again, this sentence should be rearranged, "I have a bad feeling that today is different."
When a character is explaining his surroundings, generally they wouldn't use words like "environment". This would sound more realistic, "The air seemed heavier, and the sky darker than usual. There was a wind too cold for summer whipping at our clothing."
This sentence is stilted and really unrealistic. I know what you are trying to say, but it conveys poorly here because of your word choices. "It was 8PM, and even though waiting this late for my parents was an everyday occurrence, the weather made me think that something had happened."
"We had been waiting for more than half an hour now."
...
Okay.
1) Where did this random man come from? You go from talking about how late Tim's parents are to suddenly a man on the side of the road, without any prior descriptions of him walking towards them or anything.
2) Again, you have problems with your sentence structures and it really does make it hard for the reader to read your work. Read out aloud your sentences. If they sound "off" in anyway, look at them again and try to figure out what you should do to make them sound better.
3) Why would a short beard make someone afraid of their movements?
4) Why isn't Tim's thoughts in italics? This is how you make words italicised on YWS:
[i]Heading towards me, he is heading towards me! Oh Tim, what has happened to you, why are you afraid of a stranger who has nothing to do with you.[/i]See the italic tags? Thoughts are generally in italics so that the reader can distinguish between thought and what is actually happening to the character in the story.
So it will look like this:
This dialogue is absolutely unrealistic. A police man would not approach someone with the news he carried unless he was certain of who the person was. Would a police man walk up to some random kid on the street? He would walk up to Tim with purpose in his steps, and sadness in his eyes and say, "Tim Ranier? I'm Sergeant Copper. I have some terrible news to tell you."
Would a child look up at an officer and say, "Indeed I am. etc etc etc."? I know I wouldn't.
Periods at the ends of your sentences. What exactly is he asking again? He didn't ask about "anything unusual" before this.
... I don't understand why a police man would ask this question of a child. Also, Tim's sister is just standing there - we haven't heard anything from her, she hasn't done anything. Do you even need her in this scene?
This is okay, but his speech isn't very professional for a policeman.
How would Tim know how long the silence went for unless he counted them in his head?
I just had a quick look at the other reviews, and they have covered everything that I have said and more. I can see that you have improved slightly, but I would like to see the suggestions given by the reviewers implemented before I continue reviewing your novel, as I imagine all your errors here carry on to the other chapters and I'm sure you don't want me repeating myself.
Dialogue
You really need to research this/listen to some native English speakers/read some published authors of English descent. No one speaks the way you've written your characters to speak, and what they are saying is very unrealistic on many accounts. Whenever someone new speaks, their dialogue should make a new paragraph. Like so:
I wrote the above just quickly, so it isn't the best example of natural English language, but I hope it helps somewhat.
Descriptions
You have made an attempt to write descriptions, but they don't make sense most of the time, or plainly put, aren't very good. What makes a good description? It has to be interesting and add to the story.
Syntax
You really really really need to take up some lessons in simple English skills. I applaud you for your efforts so far, but your sentences are quite bad. Very often they don't make sense or just sound wrong.
Plot
The plot for this is really unrealistic. Would a policeman come up to you and outright tell you that your parents were murdered? And then expect you to get home by yourself?
I hoped this helped somewhat. I really recommend going back over the reviews from every commenter, because you have a lot for this first chapter, and they are all good reviews. You need to implement the suggestions before your work will become any better - if you don't try and improve, people are going to read some of your story, read the comments and then think, "Why didn't the author fix their story the way everyone said to?".
Put aside a few hours and touch this up with all the suggestions made.
Here's a writing exercise that might help. Go out and buy a popular novel written in English by someone who speaks English. Something on the Best Selling shelf - perhaps an action novel. Then turn randomly to a page somewhere in the middle. Type up two pages of the story, and read it out loud as you type.
Study the way the published author has written and structured their sentences.
After you have typed it out over and over again about five times, have a go at writing your own version of the events. Then change the environment - if the scene is in the city, change it to the jungle. If the character is male, make him female. Play around with writing like a published author.
When you have done this and have edited your chapter novels to reflect what you have learned, please ask me to review again in my WRFF thread.
Thanks.
At the moment it looks like you're just begging for reviews and not doing anything to change your work. So many people have said the same things, and I feel annoyed that you haven't taken anything into account. It's really saddening.
- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers.
Hey there! I reviewed your poem because the link led to that, but then I realized that you must have put the link to the wrong piece since it was called How difficult life could be, and this is that. But anyways, I thought why not just review it all? So here I am, and let's get started.
Now, normally I tend to nit-pick a lot, but I see that Rascalover already went over that so I'll just go more general with my review.
Plot
There's not much to say here, because I can already see through this chapter some of what the plot is going to be. Because this is only the first chapter, not many stories get much into the plot already, and sometimes it can feel rushed if they do. With your story, you seemed to start with a pretty good pace and then speed up drastically towards the end of the chapter. To remedy this, try adding some more description, feelings, etc.
Character Development
In any writing, short or long, you need to develop your characters well. The reader wants to think of them as a friend, meaning a real person. In this chapter your main character, Tim, does not give off that feeling. Instead, I found that he seemed almost a bit like a robot. We need to be able to sympathize with him, and we can't do that if we don't know anything about what goes on in his head.
Now, character development can seem to be a bit complex at first because you have to think of many different aspects of the character, but it gets very easy once you get used to it. One of the first things that I as a writer like to think about is the five W's: Who, What, When, Where and Why.
Any character you encounter needs to have all these aspects developed throughout the story. We want to know who this person is.
What is happening and has happened to him or her? How do they react to the events in their lives? (This also shows us why they are the way they are in your story.)
When and where are they? Cultural differences change through time and different places differ drastically.
This all affects a person's personality, and should show up in your stories. Your readers need to know all this about Tim, and even some of your other characters.
There are two strategies that are what mostly make up character development, Description and Dialogue.
Description
There is one thing that everyone needs to do in writing, and that is to "show not tell". Show us what is happening, where the characters are, how they react to what's going on around them, what they're feeling. Readers want to be able to picture a story in their minds. If a reader is unable to do this, they won't want to read it because it won't be as interesting.
With Tim, he doesn't seem to react at all about anything that he's told. I'm sure that if I were him, I would have been completely freaking out, at least in my mind. You're writing in first person, this means that you're in his head. Show us what he's thinking, and how he reacts! This will help you develop his character because we'll be able to identify with him, see him as a plausible human being.
Dialogue
No two people talk the same way as each other, how a person talks reflects their personality and what they've been exposed to. And because of this, in writing, dialogue needs to feel like it's coming from a real person. Kids/teens don't talk the same as adults do, just as adults don't talk the same as kids/teens. The first line that Tim says seems way too formal to be coming from a kid. Also, would he really be that forward with the man? Nobody knows since we don't know anything about him, but it just seems to me like it's a bit off for a twelve year old.
The police man also just doesn't seem like he's acting like a police man would in real life. His lines seem a bit un-professional and give off the feeling that he's scared of Tim.
One thing I would suggest you do to help your dialogue improve, and be more believable, is to listen to how people around you talk to each other. Become an analyst. Analyze everything, compare how different generations interact with each other. Then, take it back and use it in your writing. Find your character's individual voices, and develop those along with your characters.
Good, believable dialogue along with good descriptions will improve your characters immensely as well as your overall story. If your reader can't see the characters as real people and identify with them, your story will fall flat, no matter what. (This applies to EVERYONE!)
Grammar
This I could also go into very thoroughly, but Rascalover pointed out most of it. Pretty much all I can suggest is for you to really go over your whole chapter with a fine tooth comb, and fix your grammar issues. This will really improve your story and make it more interesting to the reader because it'll be easier to decipher what you're trying to say.
Overall
Overall, you have a good foundation here, though you really need to build on this. Character and plot development will help bring your story to life, and it will be much better with more description etc. Keep working on your writing, and try and try again.
I can't wait to get on to the next chapter, and look forward to see more of your work. Good job, and good luck in the future!
~ Trish
Ps. Please feel free to PM me with any questions!
Hey there,
on to it:
I am so glad you requested a review
This opening sentence doesn't really bring the reader in. it doesn't make me want to know more. Plus, i think it's a bit wordy to read. You don't express worry or concern that his parents are late, but instead you try to mix it with an attitude of, 'oh not again', but it doesn't really work. I think the sentence needs to be re-worded. Heres a suggestion: My parents, late once again, it makes me mad that they have no consideration of us kids and our rest.
It should me my sister, Kelly, and I.
Never start a sentence with and, or, but, nor, yet, so, for (& because). these are conjunction and start your sentence off looking like clauses instead of complete thoughts. There is a few ways to fix this:
1) By making the period a comma and lower casing the b in but.
2) By taking but out altogether and upper casing today.
3) By making the period a semi-colon (;) and taking but out.
these would be how you fix it I suggest using 1 or 2 because you already have a semi-colon in that sentence. I also think that the first sentence is a little wordy, but that might just be me.
This would be the perfect place for some awesome description. You are doing exactly the opposite; you're telling us how it is instead of showing us hows it is.
Telling: It is darker, more moist, and colder than before.
Showing: The demon skies outside were navy and cloudless. The wind carried a moistness across the land, and it made the people outside shiver deep down, down to their souls. (Okay, not the best example, but at least you understand what I mean). I just got to thinking you never really mentioned where he was. I assume he's inside, but he could really be anywhere.
There needs to be a comma after normal because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction (but). I also have to say why is today so different? What makes today so special that what ever happens could have happened before?
So, they are outside, and I think this sentence sounds weird; maybe it should be: We have been waiting outside for more than a half hour.
This is such a random thought that I think this sentence should be reversed: A man walking along the road caught my attention; I never care about how people act outside, strangers they all are, but this one man seemed to creepy to not avoid him, watch his every movement. (just a suggestion you don't have to use that exact example
How does a beard make you afraid of someone? This is a great place for description. What about the beard make the character feel umcomfortable or nervous? Also the sentence should read like this: His short, black beard was making me afraid of his movements.
There should be a comma after there.
The first part of this sentence throws me off a little. This seems as a thought more than a sentence to complete the plot.
This is a thought so it should be italized
I think this story is suppose to be in present tense, but I'm not really sure. If it is this should be like this: Why do you seem to have so much interest in a kid.
Also the sentence should read like this grammatically: "Indeed, I am, but may I know who you are. Why do you seem so much interested in a kid?"
This seems unusal for a police man to say. Also, it should look a little like this: I am a police officer. Have you noticed anything unusal about today? There should be a period after again, and what do you mean be again? Did he ask the same question twice, cause I didnt get that impression?
Your dialogue seems very forced and unreal. Try observing real life conversations or how you talk to others, intently listen to their replies. It will help you tremendously. There should be a comma after nothing.
This piece of dialogue seems once again very unreal. Also, there should be a semi-colon where the comma is after tell. then there should be a comma after up. In the second sentence replace the but after too young to know this with a comma. You are telling us how he seemed like his stress was evident and he was tired, but I would like to see much more description.
This should say your parents were murdered.
There should be a comma after right.
This sentence should read like this: I knew there was going to something I hadc to face today, but it was like the ground from under my feet suddenly disappeared, leaving me in nowhere.
It seems as though you write tons of on-going sentences you can fix these with ,+conjunction or semi-colons. In this case it should look like this: Kelly was already shocked, listenig to him; for the first few senconds it was like she was paralyzed, but after that cold pause she couldn't keep herself quiet. She shouted...
I think this is just a typo, but pleas should be please. If you re-read your chapters carefully you can catch these little typos by yourself
Do you mean both of her hands? How do you cuddle with someone with your hands? Do you mean she cuddled into the main character?
There should be a comma after you (before the but)
This should say A police officer will come out and help you
Once again pleas should be please.
Dialog should be dialogue.
Whatever, crying and groaning isn't going to help, go do your work. I will handle it hear.
This sentence should read like this: The man left shaking, as though he had seen a ghost. That was a little awkward, but what can you expect coming from a person who is leaving his duty like that.
He sure doesn't talk or act like a twelve year old. He seems much older, maybe seventeen. Also this sentence is worded weirdly. Maybe you would like to re-word it? Also there should be a comma after that before but.
There should be a comma after apartment.
This is worded oddly. What do you mean his hair never attended? Do you mean it was never attened to? Like not comb or brushed? What do you mean he looked fairly normal? There should be a comma after normal.
Never start a sentence with but. Capitalize He and get rid of the but.
There should be a comma after randomly.
There should be a comma after i never believe in omens. Also there should be a period at the end of this sentence.
There should be a question mark after reason, the word and should be gotten rid of, and capitalize how.
This would be a wonderful place for some description. Like: the thick, ozzing blood seeped from his body... etc.
There should be a comma after kid
Never start a sentence with And or But. take them out and capitalize There and That.
There should be a comma after time.
Overall: I can't critize the plot as a whole because I primarily focused on your grammatically errors. I do like the idea of the story, but the whole drug scene (if that is what you are implying with the way of the life) has been done, so never forgot to use orginality.
Have an awesome day,
Tiffany
@EliteHusky,
Hey! Thanks for the review, the way you looked at this chapter I got some more ideas about it. But I have to go school now, so I will start my editing when I'm back!
And I've put out the second chapter, have a look if you're interested.
-Chetan Bhasin
Unexpected reply for a kid, but okay I'll go along with it.
Perhaps saying "Your parents are dead." Or, "Your parents were murdered" as another reviewer pointed out, is best.
Ultimately you have good character development, even though what comes out of your character Tim's mouth isn't always what the reader expects. He appears very mature for a "kid" but the overall quality of your writing is this character's asset.
Example:
Usually a sentence does begin with "And" or "But" yet you managed to defy this rule without compromising the smoothness of your chapter. This best exemplifies the quality and effort you put into this chapter. Keep on writing.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky
Hello
I'm back.
I know what you're trying to say, but this doesn't make sense.
They're others like this in the piece, but nothing to major.
It is a vast improvement from the first, and I am glad you edited it.
I'm sorry to bring this up again but Kelly still sounds to old. I think it is the word misinformed that makes her sound old. I would use a thesaurus and try to find another word.
I think if you do these little things, that you will then be ready to do chapter 2.
I will gladly review chapter 2 or re-do this one if you need me to.
Keep it up, it's getting there.
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666
Hello Chetan!
Okay, this sentence needs to be rephrased. First off, I think the police would hand the kids over to a Social Security home of sorts. Not to another house immediately. And as Shubhi mentioned, you have a little didn't confusion.Well, so let me head straight into the review. I'll give a rather generalized set of comments.
1.Grammar: As Shubhi said, you need to work on it. The edited one didn't have a block full of errors, but it did have a few. It's not a bad thing, as English is your second language. Of course, only practice helps you get rid of them. I would suggest you read up a few articles and be open to grammatical corrections. If you need a line-by-line help, PM me, I'd be happy to help.
2. The Start: The start to any chapter is very essential. It is what keeps a reader hooked onto the story. You start here could do with some work. I know you're trying to create a 'dark' atmosphere from the view of a little kid, so work on it a little more. Just rephrase what you've written. Here's an example:
They're late. Again. It seemed as if they didn't care about us. Aren't we their kids? I looked at Kelly who seemed to enjoy these cold winds. It is already eight. On any other day, this could've been normal, but not today. Today felt different, like something bad is going to happen.
3. Description: Well, it's good to see you're following what the reviewers mentioned. I do see some potential descriptions, but you need to work on putting in in your narrative seamlessly. Work on showing the place, emotions etc
4. Dialogue: It could do with some improvement. Just keep working on it and read aloud the dialogue to see if it sounds natural.
Let's make it simple:
Don't go for a literal translation from any Indian language to English because the sentence structure and verbs will vary.
In English,
[Subject] didn't [infinitve form of verb minus to]
The infinitive form is like : 'to write, to walk, to play etc.'
PM me if you have questions.
~Lava
How does it seem now? I've Changed it as first Chapter 1
Yes it will work without a prologue,don't worry
~Retro Disco666
Well, now when everybody says that is is no good for first chapter and it needs description I think I should also arrange time for that. I will convert this into the first chapter but then I don't have a prologue to start with, but I think that is okay. For this, I would like to know what do you think, will it be okay if I continue without a prologue?
And Shubhi, thanks for your review, I will rewrite the whole chapter and I think that will be a major change. I will expand it and then it will really read like a chapter. And about my hold over punctuation, I will keep your words in mind and nest time I will proofread my work two times before posting it here.
Thanks once again, I will try to change this as soon as I get time.
Hey Chetan. I am very lazy nowadays on getting the reviews done and besides that I have limited time on net. Curse Indian Education! '
Well, here what you're doing is called 'Telling', but a good thing to do it Telling. Here you could have told us how exactly he feels. We here only know that he ahs bad feelings, but exactly what kind of? Just describe like: my heart was thumping loudly, and my throat became dry, but I didn't know the reason. In situations like these, just think of how exactly you feel when you have an intuition for something bad, and if you haven't experienced it till now, then ask someone who has. Be precise.So, I won't go onto a deep review as retro has done that work already.
Although I have put up this comma here, I am still not convinced with the idea of putting up today again.
A full-stop Chetan. And also he has said all this with sarcasm, so you can include something like: I replied with sarcasm to my tone, or I replied in irritation.
First to start with, I think it is great that you took out time from your study time, and write something after a very long time. it's very great.
Secondly, I believe that there were too many mistakes here and at a point I was convinced not to pin-point them, but rather explain them to you in the end. I think that is going to be better.
I understand that you wanted this to be a prologue, and not chapter 1. Some part of me is convinced that you're right in doing so as you don't want the chapters to deal with their past life in the starting, but the other half says that since people avoid reading prologue, the chapters might create confusion for them ahead, but not if you explain all this as clearly as you did now.
There were some major problems with your grammar, which I think won't be tough to correct.
1. Punctuation: You just need to gear up on this. Most of your sentences didn't have full-stops at the end. I didn't point all of them, as they would have not sought any purpose. it would be good, only when you can correct your own mistakes.
2. Dialog: I can very well understand that are first language is not English, so we find trouble in writing the dialog, when it is of people of some English speaking country. But still we have to try. I also used to have the same problem, but now I am getting hang of it. One thing that I noticed here was that you go on with the dialog, without any full-stops.
. Though this is not a very big problem and wasn't there much, but still it can be irritating.
3. Didn't confusion: Earlier, too in your Hospital Road story I saw that you you third form of the verb with 'did' and 'didn't. I explained to you then also, and I would do that again, until you're not clear with this idea.
Look: I didn't did my homework.
Would you say this sentence is wrong or right? Well, I think you would chose the latter option, but in reality it is a wrong sentence. Because we used 'did' here, which is third form of the verb 'do'. What we should have used here is 'do'.
For example: I didn't work in the field today.
My parents didn't buy me that dress.
I hope this is clear for once and all.
In the end I would like to say that what this chapter really lacked was 'descriptions'. You really need to tell us how does the police officer looks and everything else. Also, I felt things were progressing too quickly.
Just make the end a bit more melodramatic and end it with quite suspense.
Here's a page of all the articles which might help you with improving your writing skills. They helped me a lot. List of Articles
Good bye till then and I hope you start with chapter one and complete it soon.
~Shubhi
I have to say "bravo!" I though the way you developed character Tim was well done. He seemed smart, strong, loving and over all a good mix of a big brother and a main character. Now for the other part. The first thing that threw me off was, I was sitting with Tim outside some building and then theirs the dialogue with the police officer who starts out sounding like an adult then suddenly exclaims "Okay!" I believe you could take that out and still make it sound like an intelligent conversation. Another point that I would like to add "Okay! This is hard to tell, but you should know this. See, I don't want to shock you or anything, and I know that you are too young too know this but still you should know this." the last this could possibly be taken out as well.
#2 I noticed another reviewer commented on this as well but I would also like to add my opinion. The girl, Kelly, does indeed sound like an adult. I was under the impression that she was 10 years old. If I was a ten year old girl hearing this I would believe the police officer right away, and probably burst in tears. But this problem leads me to another question. Why are they at the building? What kind of building is it? So I guess my real question is: Are the children innocent or not? Maybe not so much Tim but Kelly seems to be fairly young. So if the children are growing up in the slums maybe Kelly would react the way she did but if shes more sheltered then it would be the example I told you before. Maybe you could put in a little more background information.
Also the use of "little gun" maybe Tim thinks this because hes young. I would personally use handgun.
"ike the wind traveling at fastest without creating any noise" maybe its the word fastest that made me say "What?" but i would mix around a few words here. And I think that this NOT being the first chapter is a good idea.
One last thing, maybe you could pretend you are in the police officers shoes. He has to deliver the bad news to a few kids but other responsibilities get in the way. He could be a key player later in the story...just an idea. I suggest you think of yourself in ALL of your characters shoes so you can write easier and make the story flow better.
~Good luck
hope it helped
@Everybody,
Thanks retro and mystoryline, as you told me that I should explain it a little more I've put some efforts to edit it and had some time on it. If you think there are some other things that I can edit, pleas help me point out.
And I'm using this as prologue not the chapter 1 because I don't want the story to have any information about Tim and Kelly's past. I will further disclose the misery in about 5 to 7 chapters.
Also, I am having some difficult with my first chapter, I don't am not able to decide how to show the Tim and Kelly living their life after this incidence normally where both of them start to learn the life. You might have already guessed what I mean by that.
And retro, I do have a character line ready for Tim as you told in your first comment. I am not getting too much of time these days so I will try to post 1st chapter as soon as possible.
At last, thanks for your reviews, I will be looking forward for your review on other chapters.
It just doesn't seem very prologue like, I just think it suits better as a chapter 1 personally.
~Retro Disco666
This should be "Your parents were murdered." And the exclamation mark doesn't fit.
You also have some misspelled words. Other than that this is an okay story so far. I think I've read something like it though.
Things are happening a little fast.
Hey! Thanks, and sorry I was supposed to put some different age for Kelly but I was mistaken. I will correct it now. And DEA, you can search google about it, it is Drug Enforcement Administration which I was thinking to use later in the story, but I think many people don't have any idea what it is, so I will replace it with mere police officer. Also, it would be weird for DEA to do such a thing.And next time, I will be more descriptive with it. And I would like to know, why did you say that you will count it as chapter 1 instead of prologue? I asked that because I was also having trouble to start with this story.
Hey,
I shall be your reviewer.
This is very action pact, which is good. There seems to be no description however, which makes it seem more like a short story, rather than an opening to a novel. Another thing that kind of bugged me was Kelly and her response. It was a response of a fully grown woman, then you said she was eight. I think that needs rectifying.
It is very fast moving for a prologue, I would class this as chapter one, rather than a prologue.
Also, this may sound stupid but what is the DEA?
I like Tim's point of view. I think he will become an interesting character in the story and I can tell he is going to develop into something good.
I fell into Tim's shoes whilst reading this, so it was very gripping.
In the next chapter I would like to see a little more description. I think you need to remember your characters ages before writing speech.
Good luck, contact me once you have edited this or wrote the second one, or if you want me to explain anything.
~Retro Disco666