Sorry to delete the post people, I had to publish it somewhere else! Thank you very much for the help though. I have made sure to save all the reviews I received.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow! Well thanks a lot guys for your suggestions!
Actually, this story was not really fictions, it's something that I personally experienced. Although, you people are right about the timeline, and many other things too. Thank you for the help, and I am making the corrections as soon as possible!
Hi there! I'm Hawk and I'm here to review.
Okay, so I got a vague idea of what you were getting at with your story, and I think it's intriguing and has potential - it's just very hard to follow. I was very confused by the premise of the story, as there really doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason; you give us a bunch of unconnected incidents that don't seem to have a goal or purpose towards which the main character is striving. This alone makes it hard to relate to, and then the commentary at the beginning and the end only serve to make it feel like there was some kind of moral that I was supposed to grasp - but it felt a little empty.
I'm going to break this review up into four chunks: (1) the beginning, with the first couple of paragraphs that are talking about hallucinations and dreams, (2) the part with the doctor and the healing arm, (3) the car accident, and (4) the ending. I'm going to focus on addressing the issues in each section. Here we go!
(1) Alright, this is the beginning. That being so, it should be the most engaging, intriguing part that immediately hooks the reader's interest and makes them want to read more. You want to grasp their attention and keep them riveted throughout the rest of the story. Unfortunately, I didn't feel that this was super eye-catching. I think you can change it so that it's more engaging and that'll give your story a stronger start.
Take the first two lines, for example. It's interesting, but the wording instantly turns me off. I find it very hard to understand, and it seems like you're missing some words in there!
Now, this is all very well and good; I like finding out that the narrator seems to have some kind of psychic or intuitive abilities. Just give this information to me in an exciting way. Show us what it is he's seen and what has come true, instead of merely telling us about it. It's so much more engrossing when I, the reader, get to actually see what you, the author/character, are talking about instead of simply being told about it. Tell me, would you rather I told you all about the newest blockbuster movie, or would you like to see it all with your own eyes? It's a similar situation here - let me see what's happened, instead of being told. This is where the next paragraph comes in.
(2) Okay, so you've done a good job with the descriptions here. I have to say, this is probably my favorite part of the story. I found it interesting, a little worrisome, and overall it was just easy to understand what was happening; I was seeing it happen in real time, if that makes sense. I was "watching" it happen, and I think that's a great way to portray this scene. I don't have much criticism here, other than, watch your sentences! Read them aloud to make sure you're not missing a word here or there. Also, break up some of your longer sentences into smaller ones; use that period! It helps make the narrative flow easier on your reader's eyes.
(3) I'm starting this from "I heard my phone ringing." Now, this is where I felt like the story was unraveling. You transitioned very abruptly from one scene to the next, and I had a hard time following the timeline. He was in the hospital, still drugged out and feeling tired. Then he's suddenly back in business, seemingly fine; is this a day or so after the entire hospital scene? Or is this what happened before, and the dislocated arm came from this accident? I think you need to clarify the timeline here.
Another thing I'd like to see is more description regarding the accident. You make this scene too technical, in my opinion. Most people, upon getting hit by a car, aren't thinking about the different muscles that are getting strained or how the bone and calcium is being affected; they're more along the lines of, "I just got hit! I feel extreme pain! I hope I don't die!" you know? There's just more panic, more of a sense of shock, not a detached account of the different, specific injuries he's receiving at the time. Try to convey this by showing us what he's thinking, by describing what's going on around him. Use sensory images; in other words, what are his five sense picking up on? In general, what's he hearing, seeing, feeling? You don't have to do that for every scene (indeed, that'd make for a really boring way of describing a scene!), but just keep those thoughts in mind as you're writing out the details.
(4) Now, the final part. To be honest, I'm not quite sure how it exactly ties into the rest of your story. It seemed like you were making quite an emphasis on the heart's ability to be a sort of fortune teller, warning him about upcoming events. Now you're talking about mercy and I don't quite know how that ties in. I think you've got a nice bit about how mercy works, but it just isn't related to the rest of the story well enough for me to feel like it's all connected. It's a big change in direction and I don't know if, in this story's setting, it's appropriately placed here. You can tie it in nicely I think if you expand a little more on how the heart is related to mercy, and then it'll make for a nice ending.
All right, so that's all I've got to say. I hope something I said in there will help! Let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.
Cheers!
~Hawk
I comment as I read so you as the writer understand what is going on in the readers head as they read your work, I hope this helps and I will comment below and well with overall thoughts.
#FF0000 ">Red is correction
#0000FF ">Blue is commentary
Ok! Overall it was a little confusing but I loved the gore!