Published May 30, 2009
EDITED.
Screams were heard in all directions. I could feel my heart sink as I watched my dad fall to the ground. Blood ran from his neck to the floor. Others around the house were screaming as the creatures hunted for me, for my blood. My eyes darted around the room as I looked for a way out. Before the attack, my father had stopped to hide me and he didn't have time to grab the stake and defend himself. When he had reached it, the vampyre had come in and attacked. The saliva of the vampyre was deadly to us; just like the venom of a snake is to a human.
I moved slowly and quietly and I exited the hiding place. Just then the lights went out. My eyes adjusted to the dark well, their red blaze matching the jewel around my neck. The necklace felt heavy as I moved next to my father's body. His eyes were glazed over and his once sparkling blue jewel was just as dull and glazed as his eyes.
He was dead. His soul had died, there was no way to bring him back now.
I closed my eyes and tears dropped from them. My sobs were quiet, but were there.
"There you are princess. We've been looking all over for you. Viktor-" I shivered at the name of the vampyre. In human terms, he was the boss of the mafia. If he wanted you dead or just wanted you, you'd be his. There was no running from him, even I'd managed to hide from him for three years. But now, he had found me. While I was thinking, the vampyre continued on.
"--happy to see you alive."He finally had stopped talking long enough for me to straighten and get a better look at him. In human standards, he was beautiful. His bright blue eyes seem to blend in with the blond mop on the top of his head. He was muscular and quite tall for a vampyre, but I could see through this fake appearance. His blue eyes held the tint of red, a sign that he had been feeding.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well that is quit the image to start on there. It definitely manages to get your attention as a reader and do it rather powerfully too at that. I think you do a really nice job of getting our attention there with the way you establish the setting there and then introduce the stakes right away before adding in that very particular description. It all comes together really nicely I think to make a very scary situation.
Hmm...well that's a decent reaction there. Considering it is on the spot I expect to see a tiny bit more shock than what we are currently seeing but for the most part this is done fairly well and as the reader you can feel a decent amount of shock coming through from this here.
Well this ending was a tiny bit anticlimactic. Its not a bad character introduction and I do like the mystery and the hints being brought out there. But I feel like we switch to that a little too quickly there. This death feels like it needs a bit more time to sink in before this next part or at least an acknowledgment of the death a bit after that scene to end things. As it is, that feels like it got a bit glossed over and the overall effect is then reduced a bit.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you Jackie. =3
I appreciate the review, comments, and taking time to read this.
I know people will have a lot of questions about my character as well as the species, the nocti, but I'm hoping as my story develops there will be no questions. It's hard especially when creating new things.
Now the vampyre thing. I never really liked typing it like normal people do. I've read a few books where they type it that way so I've picked it up.
You were right about the jewels.
Although most of the nocti wear their jewels out in the open, some-like the royals-can embed their jewels into their skin, but it's painful. I mean imagine getting a diamond into your own skin. Mainly the healers/spirit wielders put the jewels into their skin.
Anyways, I have so many ideas for this book. Perhaps it might get turned into a series, but I really do have a lot of good ideas.
Thanks again,
Chenka.
Hola there Chenka! I'm Jackie ^ ^. First, may I say that it was pretty good. I'm courious {?} as to what will happen to your character. Now, onwards to the critque eh?
Ok, you could probably have the second paragraph here if you fixed it up. Take the first two sentences for example. You could say something like, "I crawled out of {whatever her hiding spot is} as quietly as I could. The lights went out, darkness engulfing me." Or something along those incredibly cheesy lines lol.
Now about these jewels? I assume their on little chains; necklaces or bracelets? And the way you spell "vampyre" is quite different from how I spell it{"vampire"}, but then again that maybe becuase we come from different cultures/countries.
Overall I liked it though. So good job ^ ^.
Hola there Chenka! I'm Jackie ^ ^. First, may I say that it was pretty good. I'm courious {?} as to what will happen to your character. Now, onwards to the critque eh?
Ok, you could probably have the second paragraph here if you fixed it up. Take the first two sentences for example. You could say something like, "I crawled out of {whatever her hiding spot is} as quietly as I could. The lights went out, darkness engulfing me." Or something along those incredibly cheesy lines lol.
Now about these jewels? I assume their on little chains; necklaces or bracelets? And the way you spell "vampyre" is quite different from how I spell it{"vampire"}, but then again that maybe becuase we come from different cultures/countries.
Overall I liked it though. So good job ^ ^.
First of, thank you for the review. =3
Anyways...
I do have a idea off having her address the audience throughout the story, but I'll keep in mind on changing/removing the second paragraph.
The last sentence will also get fixed, thanks for this review.
It means a lot to me.
I really have an idea to this story and it makes me happy to see that I can change a lot of it.
-Chenka
This is a very nice story, I love the mood that you set up. The pacing is very nice and the words flow together.
I think that you should leave out the second paragraph alltogether. It interrupts the flow of the scene. Also, I'm not sure if you intend to have your main character address the audience throughout the story. If she does, that's a fine stylistic device, but if she doesn't then you probably shouldn't do it at all. I think it's one of those things that go all or nothing, but maybe that's just me.
Also, the second to last sentence, I would take out ' but I could see through this.' I feel like it interrupted the description, and it didn't make any sense to me as I was reading it. See through what?
Anyway, excellent story, I can't wait to hear more about the noct and what happens to your character!